Thursday, 30 April 2015

WTF Is This?

I'm sorry, I was willing to give this a chance but now I have lost all faith in this. I don't like how this is going at all. Kenny Ortega really was the wrong choice to direct this also...I don't like how the villains look like they stepped out of a bad cosplay photoshoot. Are the villain offspring supposed to look like they shop at Hot Topic or are bad X-Men cosplayers? Is this a Disney Villain offspring group or a Young Ones tribute act?   I KNEW that Disney's Descendants was going to suck...and it looks that way.   I'm sorry,   I tried to give it a chance...I really did,  but that trailer just says everything I need to ever need to know.

Friday, 17 April 2015

From Dusk Till Dawn Review

From Dusk Till Dawn Review
By Monstermaster13
Hello my beloved children of the night,  it is I,  your beloved monstermaster and I have returned, if you're wondering about the other review I an working on -  let's just say it's probably the last time a certain British comedian showed his face before leading a 'revolution',  but enough about that - it's time for me to take you back to a time where vampires were actually awesome.   That time being 1996, and the movie in question...From Dusk Till Dawn.

I know I already talked about this movie during Halloween last year,  but....I thought it would be an awesone idea to talk about this movie in full,  of course everybody I know has seen this movie so I am not going to go over the whole plot,   but I am going to go over why I think this movie is awesome.     For starters, this is how I think a vampire movie should be,  it is scary and intense but also exotic and intriguing!   It's become one of my personal favorites,  so much so I am becoming obsessed with it -  i'm even starting to dream about it, you could say that in my dreams I am a regular at the Titty Twister, no i'm not a vampire yet,  but I feel I might become one very soon.  I even have a fan-made Grimm Wesen based on the vampires in  this movie!

I love how this movie is different than your typical run-of-the-mill horror flick,  it starts off as a typical Tarantino-esque crime caper only for it to become a kickass horror movie in the second half!  It took me by surprise!   Kudos to Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino for their teamwork here.  

This movie is one no horror fan should be without,  as it is an absolute must for horror movie fans,  vampire movies,  and badass movies in general. It's movies like this and Bram Stoker's Dracula that make me wish i was a vampire myself,   I just have a thing for bloodthirsty monster types and monster-girls.  It's also movies like this and Sleepy Hollow that make me wish I was the one being bitten or kissed like that.   The same goes for Bram Stoker's Dracula, and you can't fault me for the latter because the Hessian in Sleepy Hollow is Christopher Walken and when Walken is on screen you don't question anything and just let Walken do the rest!

Also you cannot fault me for wanting to get bitten by Santanico Pandemonium because Salma Hayek is a motherfucking goddess,   and i'd gladly surrender to her and be her willing slave anytime.  Hey! It was that sexy dance that did it for me.  

That sexy dance scene.... by the way is...still impressive even to this day, even more impressive considering Salma Hayek is afraid of snakes and had to be hypnotized in order to overcome her fear.  I'd let her bite me anyday! I'd let her bite me anyday! And you can quote me on that! Santanico,  I LOOOOOVE you!  Let me be your personal vampire slave!  Please?

I  know it's wrong but let's just say I was extremely jealous of Richie, sure he was a psychopath,  but he was a lucky psychopath.   There's so many characters in this movie to love, including the Gecko brothers,  the Fullers,  Sheriff Earl,  Frost,  Razor Charlie but I think my personal favorite is this guy here.  Sex Machine.   This man is one badass mamajamma.  Just look at him.  How many people do you know that have a crotch-gun?  No one.

This guy is AWESOME!  I wanna hang out with him! One of the best scenes and also one of the funniest moments comes in the scene where we see Sex Machine transforming bit by bit into a vampire,  it just cracks me up -  especially when he covers his mouth after his fangs start forming,  and his right hand changes to become all monster-like with long claw-like fingernails and then his left hand changes and then he hides his hands behind his back.  And he's completely unaware of it at first as is everyone else.  It's got my two favorite kind of TFs (transformations) in them -  the 'Bit By Bit' variety where a person changes one part at a time,  and the 'Completely Unaware He/She is Transforming' kind where the transformee doesn't realize he/she is transforming.  It's no wonder Aardman paid tribute to this scene in Curse Of The Wererabbit.

If you listen closely you can hear the acid rock version of Star Spangled Banner playing during the part with the demonic voice telling him to 'kill them all'.   It definitely works, and makes the scene more eerie in tone.  Gotta love seeing Sex Machine transform like that!

Ooooh,  someone's been bitten! Sex Machine...why are you hiding your hands behind your back like that? Sex Machine? Are you okay? You've been acting a little bit out of it recently.   Why are you hiding your hands behind your back?

What moment moved me to tears?  I'll tell ya.

It has to be when Richie dies,  I know he's a psychopath - but that moment made me cry a little.  *sobs* Richie's gone? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh well,  he'll come back.. but here's the slight hiccup, he won't be human anymore and he'll probably be after your blood,  Seth - just a head's up.

As for the funniest moment?

Like I mentioned earlier,  it was the scene with Sex Machine transforming into a vampire, oh and Frost's reaction to being bitten by him as well, funny as hell and one of my personal favorite scenes.  (Frost: He fuckin' bit me! FUCKIN' BIT ME) That scene cracked me up to no end!

Do you know what scene got my heart-racing?  Well it's an easy one!

It's when Santanico saw the blood dripping from Richie's hand and she turned into her vampire form,  and when everyone started turning into vampires. *gasps* Why didn't you guys tell me you were all vampires? That is fucking awesome! I want to be a vampire too! Can I be one too? Can one of you guys bite me?  PUHLEEEEEEASE?

TGWTG's resident vampiress Maven of The Eventide talked about the hunting strategy of these vamps in her review,   comparing their methods to the Venus Flytrap and the female Anglerfish and I rightfully agree.    And yes,  I said FEMALE Anglerfish -  because most of the Anglers you see are in fact female,   all of the male ones are well...puny.   The female anglerfish is bioluminicent because she uses a lure (a light at the end of a rod protruding from their heads,  which are called illicums and extend over their eyes)  to lure her would be prey over to her -  once the prey is in sight,  she closes her jaw and she snaps up her prey.

It  is a pretty awesome movie and it is also incredibly badass,   especially with the action and crime elements,    the vamps are very intimidating and also intriguing.   Not to mention the ever alluring Salma Hayek as the vampiress Santanico Pandemonium, in fact quite hypnotic.   I'll admit that the vampire with the snapping mouth on her stomach is a bit much, but  why  quibble?

Fun fact: The color of the vampires blood is green because the MPAA has issues with it being red, they have absolutely no problem with blood - but they don't like it because it's red. It was indeed Tarantino's idea to give the vampires green blood to avoid the film from getting a rating higher than R and to get it past the censors.

If you love vampires,  watching this will bring you nothing but pure joy as this movie is amazing and it doesn't take itself too seriously.   It's just plain fun and a must watch for fans of vampire movies.     I rate it out ten out of ten and give it two monstrous clawed thumbs up,  if you haven't seen it -  watch it right away.    I wish the Titty Twister was real, then I would visit that place all the time!  I don't care if I would most likely end up as a blood-soaked meal for those vamps,  I would totally visit that bar on a regular basis!

Yes,  there were sequels and there is a tv series spin-off,   but I will be getting to those later on,   i'm Monstermaster13 and this has been my review of From Dusk Till Dawn,  now if you excuse me I feel like hanging out with my new friends at the Titty Twister! Will I become a vampire?  Who knows? Maybe I will.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

TftW: The Laughing Woman.

TftW: The Laughing Woman

Werehyena TF

NOTE:  This is a creepypasta inspired story involving a different take on Werecreatures,  mainly ones from various cultures.


This is the tale of a strange woman that resides in the insane asylum,  a woman who always seems to be smiling,  and always seems to be cheerful and happy.   She’s not insane - well at least not in the mental sense.

But she is peculiar,  her name is Marie Anne Mousette and she claims that at one point in her life that she was a queen or a priestess.    Some say that Mousette from Blues Brothers 2000 was based on her.

She believed in mysticism and shamanism,  and she was a firm believer in the occult - which is why she was locked in the asylum to begin with.   They believed she might end up causing harm to others.

The truth of the matter was that they sent her there because she was one of many ‘Supernaturals’ that could shapeshift.    In fact she was a werecreature,  a very rare and quite dangerous werehyena.

This is why she was often dubbed ‘the Laughing Woman’,  because the last thing they would hear before she made her escape attempts was a series of maniacal cackles and laughing sounds echoing through the halls.

But the night they found this out,  turned out to be their very last.   That night the security crew at the asylum were investigating the hallways in search of any explanation as to what was going on -  but when they got to Marie’s  cell  -  they had found it was empty.

“It’s empty?”

“That can only mean one thing.”

“Ahahahaha!  Hahahha!”

“She’s escaped!”

The security officers listened,  as they did -  they could hear her maniacal laughter echoing throughout the halls.   This was followed by the sound of screams and animalistic snarls, as if a wild animal had just run loose.

The officers followed the sounds,  getting ever so closerand closer to where they were coming from,   until they arrived at a passageway.    The passageway was long, winding and dark - but with several piercing animal-like eyes glowing through the darkest corners.

They could still hear the maniacal laughter,  echoing through the passageway -  as the darkness began to fade,  revealing a doorway - the doorway opened up,  leading over to the outside of the asylum.

“Ahahahaha!  Muwahaha!”

“It’s the laughter from before...she must be here somewhere!”


A large feral Hyena-like creature leaped down with inhuman agility before morphing back into its human form,   which of course was Marie.  Marie gave a sly smile in the direction of the officers, before walking on over to them.

“Hello boys.”

“Marie!  What are you doing here?”

“Just getting a late night snack.”

“But you’re supposed to be in your cell.”

“Why did you lock me in that cell to begin with?”

“Because of your werecreature powers,  we feared that you would become too dangerous for us to handle.”

“Is that it?  Do you fear I could become potentially dangerous if I were to let my werecreature side out?”

“Possibly...we’re not sure.  But there is one way to find out.”

“You don’t mean..”

“Come with us please!”


She snarled and as she did,  she lunged at the two of them  -  her teeth sharpening in the process as her eyes turned a golden yellow.

The two officers backed away in fright,  it was exactly what they feared -  the werehyena side of her was about to come out.

Her straitjacket dress was slowly straining and beginning to tear away,  her bones snapping and cracking as she moaned a multitude of times,  her voice deepening and becoming gruffer in the process.

Slowly but surely  -  amber coloured fur slowly sprouted all over her body as her straitjacket dress slowly ripped apart,   her hands shifted and changed shape to become paw-like as her fingernails grew longer and sharper.

Her feet also shifted and changed shape,  becoming paw-like as well,   her toenails lengthening and sharpening as her straitjacket dress ripped away,   her breasts expanding and becoming larger as she increased in terms of muscle mass.

The remaining parts of her straightjacket fell off as a bushy hyena-like tail grew out and unfurled itself,   she elevated in height to 6’3 and her hair grew longer and more wild looking,  spots becoming more visible on her fur.

Her ears shifted to the top of her head and became like those of a hyena as her eyes turned the golden yellow colour from before and gave off an eerie supernatural glow,  her expression was curving slightly and contorting into a wicked smile.

In the process she started to laugh hysterically or rather - maniacally,  as the fur crept up her neck and on her face,   her eyebrows thickened and arched,  her nose turned black and hardened as her teeth lengthened and sharpened.

Her jaw-line became more pronounced as the strength of it increased,   her face stretching as it pushed out into a very strong and well defined muzzle,   her voice growing deeper and more bestial as her laughter became more maniacal,  this time sounding more hyena-like in the process.

The two officers stood there frozen in fear as they saw Marie,   now in her werehyena form ready - as she let out another maniacal laugh of terror.

“Please...we didn’t mean to…”

“You’re both too late.  You let her out and now you have to live with her!”

“We’ll do anything, please...don’t hurt us.”

“Oh,  I won’t hurt you - just yet.”

“What do you mean,  just yet?”

“Well I would hate to do it on an empty stomach.   Now if you excuse me,  i’m going to go and catch up with my soon-to-be-snack! Buwahahaha!”

With that she jetted off into the night with inhuman agility to go and hunt,  using her heightened senses to guide her to her soon-to-be-prey and it wasn’t long until she caught up with it and made a quick meal out of it.

As for what happened later,  it is said that she still prowls the streets on nights like this in search for her prey and she will stop at nothing in order to get it.   They say, you can still hear her laughter echoing no matter where you go - she’s always there.

Remember,   sometimes those who may have been diagnosed with clinical lycanthropy may not be insane after all  -  maybe they might really be werecreatures and by that I mean they really ARE werecreatures and you might end up being their prey.

Beware the Laughing Woman,  for those who cross her path -  shall end up meeting their doom and paying the price.

TftW: Monstrous Mirrors

TftW: Monstrous Mirrors
There once was a user by the name of IggleeMckree,  he loved to make wisecracks about this one user named DemonMeiser18 -  calling all of his monster creations nothing but Fetish Fuel and overly-fetishising everything.    DemonMeiser18 was not as bad as the afforementioned user claimed he was -  far from it,   he was a nice guy -  it was just he got a bad reputation from being bullied OL by people like Igglee, who just didn't know that you shouldn't ask a horror writer if they're joking.

One night Damon aka DemonMeiser18 was working on his recent recasting -  a version of FNAF using Stephen King characters when he got another insulting comment from Igglee, who was acting even more jerkish than usual,  which was usually very typical of him - as there was only one mode for people like Iggleee - Jerk/Asshole.

"A Stephen King version of an overrated game franchise?  Lame."

"I suppose you think you could do better,  right?"


"Typical arrogant troll behavior."

"But i'm not trolling..."

"Oh yes you are..."

"That wasn't me,  that was my imaginary friend."

"Unlikely.   If said friend was making you do evil things like that,  they'd be an imaginary fiend..everyone knows that!"

" do you know that?"

"I had one when I was 8,  it was a soul-sucking demon prince whose soul had possessed me at the time.   I'm in my thirties now and it still happens."

"You're in your thirties?"


"And you talk about how you were possessed by your 'imaginary fiend' side as a kid?"


"I just read through the comment and I gotta say...this has to be some kind of joke!"

"No joking here dear boy,   all of my stories about demon encounters are based on my own personal experiences -  with some slight exaggeration of course."

"But...but...were-celebrities?  Body snatchers?   Aliens?  Really?"

"It's all in cheesy,  b-movie inspired fun."

"This is all too much..."

"Oh?   Then you probably won't like this story."


"I've got a new story up."

"What?  What is it about?"

"It's about someone just"



Igglee checked on Damon's page and then clicked on the story,   the story of an arrogant young man who claimed he wasn't afraid of anything going to a carnival run by monsters thinking it was all a joke,   only for him to wind up in a room full of mirrors akin to a hall of mirrors.      Just as he started to read the story ,  the whole background started to change -  slowly morphing into a very fanciful gothic carnival setting.

He walked around the carnival with a rather cocky and arrogant expression on his face,  of course like the dumb main character in the story he thought this was all a joke  - but little did he know that it was all real.    He walked over to the carnival's mysterious ring-master/owner,  who was a man dressed all in black.

"Ha!  Nice carnival,  weirdo!"

"Thank you..I trust that you enjoyed it."

"Enjoyed it?   Ha!  I hated it,  there weren't any real monsters at all,   it was fake as all hell."

"Fake?   My dear boy,   what you see here is all real."

"Real,  my ass...those monsters were just people in make-up,  I could tell."

"Makeup?  Oh no,  I think you'll find that these monsters are indeed real."

"This has to be some kind of joke!"

"Do I look like i'm joking?"

The ring-master smirked as his facial features morphed and distorted,  becoming demonic as two long curved horns slowly grew out of the top of his head,    the color of his eyes shifted to a demonic shade of red as his teeth sharpened and his brow thickened and became more monster-like.    

"H-How did you do that?"

"I told ya,   it's all real."

"But...but...I thought it was fake."

" THOUGHT it was fake,  but you know it's real."

"I thought this was all a joke..."

"Oh no,  dear child....this place is no joke."

"You mean they're,  scary monsters?"

"Indeed so."

"Uh oh...I think I may have made a big mistake!"

"Big?  I think you mean a HUGE mistake,  my friend."

"Uh oh..."

"But since you seem so eager to know about how all this is done,  how about you go over to the mirror room over there?"

Igglee felt unsure of this at first,  but he acted twice as brave this time around as he ran over to the mirror room and took a peek inside,   there were all kinds of monsters depicted in the reflections of the mirrors,  including a were-lion,   a vampiress,  a couple of exotic nagin,  a were-owl,   a plutarkian-like fish monster,   a were-skunk,  an Audrey II-like plant monster, a skeletal warrior,   several zombies,  a Killer Klown,  a succubus and even a few Critters and Gremlins.    

But the most startling monster reflection was his own -  gazing at his own reflection in the largest of the mirrors -   he saw a large,   menacing beast that had the body of a gorilla,  the horns of a ram,   the  wings of a vulture,    large bear-like paws for feet and hands,  a bushy vulpine tail,   boar-like tusks sticking out of its lower jaw,    feral leopard-like eyes and a thick pair of owl-like 'eyebrows'.

"Is THAT me?"

"It certainly is..."

"I don't understand.."

"The mirrors here all show you what you're like on the inside."


"Didn't you read the story at all?"

"I started reading it and getting up to this part...but I didn't get to this yet.."

"Well,  you're about to find out what happens."

"But I thought this was all a joke."

"That's the problem with you humans,  everything is a joke to you."

"I thought it was..."

"What we monsters do is no joke,'s serious monster business."

"I didn't mean to...I'm sorry."

"I'm afraid apologies are no good around these parts."


"For your arrogant behavior and disrespect towards the fellow monsters of this here carnival,    you will pay the price."

"I'm sorry..."



"Silence!  The mirror has sealed your fate!"

"I'm going to become Fetish Fuel for your bizarre monster fetish?"

"Shame on you,  boy!   Watch your language next time,  will ya?"




Igglee was about to protest but something stopped him from doing so,  it was his shirt which was rapidly getting tighter and tighter due to his body slowly beginning to bulk up,  gaining both muscle and fat as his arms,  chest and torso swelled.    With a loud rip his shirt tore apart to reveal his body which was swelling in build to look like that of a gorilla.

In the process his gloves slowly tore off his hands,  as his hands swelled,  stretched and contorted into a pair of large ursine paws with claws taking the place of his fingernails, his whole body was also slowly beginning to be covered in thick messy,  dirty dark greyish fur starting with his hands,  chest,  belly, torso and arms.

He panicked as he watched himself transform -  he was now starting to regret the things he said about the ring-master and the monsters at the carnival,   he was now wishing he had apologized for starting this whole mess but it was too late for him now.  

Groaning and grunting,  he felt tremendous waves of pain jolting through his body as the changes progressed,   his back swelled as it too developed muscle mass and two large vulture-like wings grew out of it.   In the process it was slowly but surely covered thick in the same fur from earlier.

"W-W-W-What's happening?"

"'re becoming what you truly are on the inside..."

"I'm not a monster...i'm not a monster..."

"Oh,  but you are!  Just look at yourself!"


He cried and sobbed,  trying to will the pain away but it was no use,   the transformation just kept getting more and more horrifying -   there was another ripping sound that could be heard as a bushy vulpine tail slowly pushed his way out of the back of his pants -  tearing the back of them to shreds as his rapidly expanding body tore the front half off.

He shuddered in horror as his shoes and socks slowly ripped open to reveal his feet,  which were rapidly swelling and altering -  shifting from human feet into ursine paw-like ones to match his hands,   with a loud thud -  he collapsed on the ground and fell on all fours.

His hair extended,  growing longer and messier as it became a messy semi-leonine mane that extended past his shoulders while his neck thickened,   fur slowly creeping up it and on his face,  making him look like he was turning into a yeti or a Teen Wolf styled werewolf.

There was a throbbing sensation in his forehead,  which was due to two bumps forming on his temples -  the bumps hardened,  stretched and contorted -  becoming a pair of long, curved, ram-like horns.

His brow thickened a little as his eyebrows fused into a more owl-like pair of eyebrows,  his ears slowly moved up to the top of his head and shifted to become pointier and almost lupine-like.   His eyes turned from brown to a piercing greenish color with the pupils becoming slitted as his eyes altered to resemble those of a jaguar.

In the process -  his face slowly started to alter and deform,  slowly but surely altering to become more monstrous in appearance as it slowly stretched outwards -  pushing out to form a beastly muzzle as his teeth sharpened to feral points.   From his bottom jaw...he could see two slightly boar-like tusks slowly poking out of his bottom lip.

He tried crying out for forgiveness but it was too late for him now -  soon,   he wouldn't even be able to speak as his voice slowly grew deeper and gruffer before altering to become bestial and almost inhuman,   his groans and screams of agony and torment being replaced by animalistic roars and growls.

His mind filled with all kinds of savage animal-like instincts as his transformation completed, the annoying young man that was once there from before -  was no more,  instead they were was a large,  imposing chimera-like beast.    The Ringmaster stepped over to the transformed Igglee and placed a collar on his neck.

"I told ya that we don't joke around here,  boy...too bad you didn't listen.  Oh,  if only you listened...then you wouldn't be in this mess."

With that the Ringmaster took the now beastified Igglee and walked off,  but not before putting him inside the Hall Of Monsters as part of the display.    Making Igglee famous and well-respected by the monster community.

As for our friend Damon/DemonMeiser18,   he continued to weave his monstrous magic wherever he went -  earning himself new admirers and sticking it to his haters,  after all - he's a monster of his word.     Igglee became famous for being the infamous Chimera-Man in the Hall Of Monsters and he made new monster friends.

Remember,   when dealing with horror writers -  NEVER ever ask them if what they are doing is a joke,   for when it comes to the supernatural -  these people do NOT joke around at all, not by any means.    Monsters never joke around at all either,   they take their business and jobs seriously.    Remember that next time or you might just find out the hard way.

Nate's Inner Machete

Nate's Inner Machete.
Absolutely no Russell Brands were hurt,  maimed or killed in the making of this story,  and the real Russell Brand lives...for now,   but he might possibly get killed off in a future installment.   Please don't take this as an insult in anyway,   because it's just a story and besides...Brand's the villain,   he's SUPPOSED to be unlikable.
Nathan was in desperate need of assistance regarding his ongoing battle against Russell Brand and Lithius could only do so much in terms of his expertize,  so  logically there was only one way to do it.    And that method was through his dreams and thoughts,   which was something he knew very well about and how to do so,  especially since he could control his powers in said dreams.

One night he decided to try out this new method of using his shapeshifting powers, he got into bed,  laid down and concentrated -  before drifting off into sleep, once he was asleep -  he was transported into the dream-world -  to a temple of sorts where he was given a rather unexpected surprise...a visit from some of his favorite celebrities and characters.

There were several ones he recognized,  like Bruce Campbell,   Wesley Snipes,  Jack Nicholson,  Tony Todd,  Tom Savini,  Rick Baker,   and more.   But the one he recognized the most was Christopher Walken -  but alongside Walken,  there was one he didn't know he had -  that of the iconic character Machete,   yep -   Danny Trejo's legendary character Isador 'Machete' Cortez was there.

The others he was already familiar with since they were there before...but Machete?  He didn't seem to recall him being there.   Was this a new addition he hadn't been told about until just recently?

"Machete?  What are you doing here?"

"I'm your Inner Badass  -  well one of them."

"Really?  This is awesome.   How did you get here anyway?"

"Machete don't tell..."


"But what I can tell you is this,   we are all your inner you -  believe it or not."


"Oh yes...we are."

"So Machete....what exactly am I doing here?"

"We brought you here for a very special reason..."

"And that is?"

"We've heard of your shapeshifting abilities..."


"And I think it's time you put them to the test."

"I like where this is going so far..."

"I understand you've been having troubles with Russell Brand.."

"Yeah...I have."

"Well luckily...this ties in with your powers..."

"What are you suggesting?"

" use your become me..."

"You?  Really?"


"Well...sounds awesome!  How does it work?"

"Focus on me...focus on Machete,  and concentrate."

"Alright...i'm ready..."


"Will this hurt?"

"Of course not,   trust me...Machete knows no pain,  and he doesn't feel no pain either."

"That's easy for you to say.."

"Trust me on this...I see great potential in you."

"How can you tell?"

"You have a bloodthirsty streak in you.."

"Well...I am a royal vampire in this realm when i'm not shapeshifting."

"That's just perfect."


"I bet with all that bloodlust in'll be the perfect Machete."

"Maybe I will...okay,  i'm game."

"Of course Machete is the original Machete,  but I think you'll do well."

"You think so?"

" focus,  focus on Machete...and concentrate."

"Yes,  sir!"

He closed his eyes as he concentrated,  focussing all his mental and physical energy on Machete himself,   memorizing every detail about him,   picking up every characteristic and trait as a dark red aura surrounded him.     A fiery circle forming around the ground as his heart raced back and forth,   his mind becoming much clearer as this happened,   he could feel bursts of strength and power jolting through his body.

Which of course made him more alert and receptive to Machete's instructions,  he listened intently,   he knew that this was for the greater good and besides...disobeying Machete would have resulted in him getting his ass handed to him on a bloodsoaked silver platter - which wouldn't have been a good thing at all.

"Listen very closely to me...listen to my words.  And heed my instructions well."

"Yes,  Machete..i'm listening."

"First of all -   when you become me,  you must answer only to Machete.   Got that?"


"But you must not let everyone know you are me,  so if anyone ever asks you  about this,  which they probably will...tell them that you can't tell them because it's a secret.  People will get suspicious of you including criminals but remember that...unless it's revealed in some form of another...the secret is safe."

"That's very sage advice there..."

"Remember,   there are some things Machete don't do.  You know what those things are,   don't you?"

"Of course...Machete don't text -  he improvises,  Machete don't tweet..."

"And most importantly Machete don't tell.   Remember that motto,   it will make sure the secret is kept safe so no one will know of this or suspect you.   Trust no one except your allies i.e us,  and your instincts."

"I read you loud and clear."

"Next,   you have to be tough and fearless."

"Tough and fearless?  Got that!"

"Nothing scares Machete,  and you should remember that as well -   it will help you get in touch with your inner Machete.. remember,  you have to be exactly like Machete.    It is very vital."


"Feel that power surging through your veins?"


"That is my aura and power coursing through's going to help you..."

" should I just let in happen?"

"Of course.  That's all part of the process."

"Now...when does the actual transformation start?"

"I's right"


He breathed in and out as he concentrated more,  focussing and taking every single little thing into detail.   His heart raced as the power and adrenalin pulsed through his veins and his entire body,   he panted and grunted as his transformation was starting to take place, he could definitely feel his bloodlust increasing.

Looking at his dark blue nightshirt with the spiderweb on the front -  he could both see and feel it growing slightly tighter than usual on his upperbody,  as slowly but surely - underneath it his muscles were starting to swell,  bulge,  and develop.  Also,  by listening closely -  he could also hear a few popping sounds coming from the shirt too due to the buttons puckering until they were almost ready to pop.

The muscles were slowly but surely packing on starting with his chest and torso,  as abs and pecs developed on them -  his nightshirt was surely losing the battle against his growing frame,  as indicated by the multiple tears forming in the fabric.    The buttons were also nearing their last lives when they popped off completely.

He could also feel his arms swelling and gaining muscle as well,   the sleeves of his night-shirt at this point were rapidly becoming nothing but ragged scraps due to being able to hold on to his growing and developing arm muscles.   There was a brief ripping sound as his sleeves ripped apart,  exposing his arms.    His hands became a bit larger in  the process as fingerless gloves formed on them,   he flexed his new arm muscles for a few seconds.

"See?  It's happening already.   Just look at you."

"'re right..."

He snarled and panted several times as his night-shirt gave way with a loud ripping sound,  revealing his more muscular physique,   his skintone was subtly becoming rougher and more rugged-looking,  as numerous scars were lined on his body,   his skintone definitely was looking a bit on the roughside -  like he had been involved in a violent fight or two,  as traces of tattoos became visible,  including an impressive one of  a woman wearing a sombrero,  he stood back while he admired his transforming appearance.

Spiked bracers materialized around his wrists,  in the place of what used to be his night-shirt there was a leather vest with a coat forming over it,  it was a brownish color with several knives stashed inside, there were also a couple of knives on the front as well.    His back also expanded and gained muscle mass,   he remained roughly the same height as before which was exactly 5'7 but he became much stronger as his legs also gained muscle.

His night-pants didn't rip though,  they slowly but surely peeled off and reformed into a pair of black pants as a brown belt with a very distinctive buckle wrapped around his list,  his slippersocks peeled off also and hardened,  growing upwards until they became a pair of western combat boots.

"Very good...I can see you are progressing nicely. "

"You really think so?"

"You have my skintone,  my build, and my tattoos...yes,  impressive."

"You approve?"

"Yes,   Machete approves."


He ran his fingers through his hair as his already long hair lengthened even more,  growing longer,   at first his hair turned a darker shade of brown,  then it developed black highlights - then it blackened completely as it grew longer.   His shoulders broadened and bulked up as they gained muscle,   his neck thickening a bit as a necklace of sorts appeared around it,  he panted and snarled a few more times.

By this point,   he was already taking on many of Machete's characteristics and not just in the way of taking on his appearance,  but he was also acting Machete-like as well , becoming tougher and more confident -  as if all of a sudden nothing scared him.   He held his head back and made a mighty battle cry,  as all of the fury and power flowed through him.

A machete materialized in his hands as his brow thickened a little,   his eyebrows thinning and turning black as they arched,   his eyes darkening and narrowing a bit as his features slowly altered to become rougher,  gruffer and more grizzled in appearance,    he growled slightly as he felt his features changing.

His facial features morphed and reshaped themselves,  gruffening and getting more grizzled in appearance,  his nose got slightly larger as traces of facial scars adorned themselves on his face,   his expression curling itself into a pseudo-snarl  as his face became heavily lined in the process,   by now he was slowly but surely looking more like he could pass for Machete himself.   He definitely looked rather fierce and
intimidating,   like the kind of man you wouldn't want to mess with.   Traces of a long,  thin,  black handlebar mustache became evident above his upper lip -  completing his look as his features finished morphing,  he now completely resembled Machete.

"Oh yes,   you're definitely looking good now.   You're the spitting image of Machete now. Very nice,  I think you're definitely ready for what I have in store for're going to make a fine Machete for sure."

"You think so?"

"Machete knows so..."

He felt a rumbling sensation in his throat as his voice began to lower,  getting deeper and gruffer in pitch and tone,  deepening,  harshening,   becoming more menacing and badass in the process,  as he developed the exact same accent and tone as Machete himself -  giving him Machete's voice.

Finally his new instincts took over as his personality and mindset altered to become those of Machete as well,   Machete's traits and thoughts filled his mind,   making him tougher and more badass as thoughts of bloodlust and vengeance played over inn his mind as his transformation completed.

From where once Nathan stood,  now stood a second Machete -   ready to take names and kick ass,   not necessarily in that order though.    The new Machete walked over to the original Machete and proudly held up his own machete.     Gifted in all forms of weaponry, and a fluent speaker of both Spanish/Mexican and English,   all badass.

Fury,  bloodlust and vengefulness now were on his mind,  and he felt proud of what he had just did -  he had managed to overcome his fears by getting in touch with his inner badass and using his shapeshifting powers.    Now...he was Machete,  and he feared absolutely nothing.    The original Machete admired his own handiwork,  he knew he had done a terrific job with helping him conquer his fear.

"Wow....I look badass!"

"And how do you feel?"

"Machete feels awesome,  sir!"

"That's what I like to hear!  Now tell me...what does Machete do?"

"Kick ass and take names!"

"And what does Machete don't do?"

"Text -  he improvises,   tweet,   feel no pain,  and most importantly...Machete don't tell,  Machete don't tell."

" in your instincts."


"If anyone asks you about this -  remember,   pretend you don't know what they're talking about,   don't let them know anything about this -  for they might suspect you.   Remember the motto,   Machete don't tell."

"Right,  Machete don't tell."


"So...when do we start hunting?"

"Right now... if you want to get back at Russell Brand,  then be like Machete and always be the one to strike first...that way,  you'll be ahead of him and you won't be the victim of his evil powers."

"Right...let's move!"

The two Machetes raced off over to where another dream door was,   the dream door was a black and red one with dark imagery embedded in the design -  as the door opened up,  a black vortex formed which they jumped through into the nightmare realm.  

After they entered the nightmare realm,   they approached what appeared to be the lair of the evil one himself Russell Brand -   which was located in a gothic tower of sorts,   luckily the two of them managed to climb up in true Machete style by using one of the Russell Brandses intestines as a rope,    once they reached the top -  they got to Brand's dark chamber and waited for Brand himself to show up.

The original Machete steathily sneaked up to one of the other Russell Brands and decapitated him,  while the one that used to be Nathan -   impaled the others with a spike before heading over to Brand's throne,   leaving the severed head of the one the original Machete killed - laying there along with a note that the real Machete wrote containing a threat.

Once their job was done,  both of them slid back down the tower on the backs of two other killed Russell Brands before heading back to the brown and gold doorway,   which opened up another vortex -  this time a golden aura surrounded them as they were both transported back to the temple.    

Meanwhile the real Russell Brand returned to his evil throne only to get a rather nasty surprise when he saw the severed head of one of his minions along with a note,  he picked up the note and examined it.   The note read: "Dear Russell Brand,   if you know what's good for better leave my friend alone,   or you'll be getting a visit from Machete pretty soon -  and Machete don't take too kindly to evil no-good assholes who try to turn his friend evil,    you better call off your revolution or there will be a new lesson in store for you -  a lesson in pain...and Machete delivers.   PS: Machete don't tweet,  and Machete don't watch the Trews."

"Oh bugger!  Looks like i'm royally screwed now..."  Russell Brand muttered to himself as he sat on his throne,   looking rather worried and distraught.   After all,  he too knew of Machete and of Machete's fury -  and if Machete were to get his hands on him,   all of his evil plans would come to a complete halt.

After the mission was completed,   the two Machetes trained in the temple and practiced their hunting skills,   as their work was done -  it was time for some good old fashioned Machete styled relaxing.

A few minutes later....He awoke from the dream,  not as himself but as Machete - with all the memory of the dream he had the night before,    his friend just happened to be in the room next to his when he saw the new Machete leaping out of a window with inhuman agility and going out for a hunt,   a few hours later he returned back to the bedroom for a quick powernap before sunrise.

The next morning as he got up -  he saw he was in his normal form as Nathan rather than as Machete  -   as he brushed his hair while looking in the mirror.   His two friends came rushing in unexpectedly.

" won't believe what we just saw earlier."

"Try me..."

"Have you seen Machete?"

"Yeah...I saw that movie,   it was badass."

"No, not the movie -  the character..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"We saw him last night!  He was in your bed,  sleeping!"

"You were probably just seeing things.."

"No,   we weren't seeing things...he really was there!"

"Oh really now?"

"Yes...he was!  And we saw him jump out of a window too before he arrived back in your room,  we saw it with our own eyes and no our eyes were NOT playing tricks on us,  I mean we'd know if they were and what we saw was no trick!"

"You were probably just dreaming..."

"It wasn't a dream though,  it was really him!"

"A likely story."

"And we found your spiderweb pajamas looking all ripped along with blood on the covers of your bed...hmmm...someone has a bit of explaining to do.  So..what happened there, may I ask?"

"Oh,  i'm sure that is purely a coincidence."

"A coincidence?  That we found these in your room while Machete was sleeping in your bed while you were most likely gone for the remaining hours of the night?   I think not."

"Yes,  it was purely a coincidence."

"Oh...then how do you explain how you and Machete are never at the same place at the same time, how come he was there earlier and now he's gone and you're here in his place? How do you explain that, I ask you,  how do you explain that?"

"Again...pure coincidence. What?  Are you implying I have some kind of secret i'm hiding from you or something? Because i'm not.  I'm not hiding any secrets at all from you,  trust me on that."

"Oh come's so obvious."

"What's obvious?"

"That you my friend...are Machete..."

"What?  Me?  Machete?  Nah!  Not at all.   I'm just me.   I can't be him."

"Oh,  then how do you explain those things I mentioned earlier?"

"Pure coincidence.   It's simple as that."


"Pure coincidence."




And so Nathan shushed his friend,  in turn his friend ran off back to his room to get things sorted out while Nathan chuckled to himself and continued brushing his hair,   singing to himself a little as he did.    He took out the keepsakes he had gotten from his dream and also took out his newly required machete and closed the doors.

"That's better.   After all,  no one must know about this.   After all - Machete don't tell,  that's the motto.   And it's a motto i'm sticking to.   As long as I have this ability,   I must not let anyone know or find out about this...after all. Like Machete himself says, Machete don't tell."

With that he gave a sly smirk as he sharpened his new machete while singing along to his favorite song and cleaning his room up,   after all -  if he was going to be sharing this apartment with friends,   it had to at least look presentable.

As for what happened to him later,   luckily -  no one ever did catch onto his secret or ever try to find out what it was -  and he made it 100% certain that it stayed that way,   after all he didn't want anyone to find out.   "Trust no one except his instincts and closest allies" he thought to himself as he finished cleaning up and headed into the lab.

For he had a lot of work to do and he was just getting started,   for this was only the beginning of one of many missions he had just signed on for.   And he knew he was going to be in safe hands now.   After all,  you know what they say -  two badasses are better than one,  and two Machetes are twice as intimidating as one.

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Sunday, 5 April 2015

The Best of Patrick (Spongebob Compilation)

Saturday, 4 April 2015

The Bite

The Bite
Chris Walken TF/Vampirism and hypnosis theme
When a human is bitten or scratched or hypnotized by a Walken or She-Hessian,  they become a Walken  or She-Hessian themselves.  The process itself is very slow and gradual,  sometimes the changes are so subtle you don't even notice them until it gets real serious.   When Nathan was first bitten  by a Walken,  it was purely by accident but it was a slow and gradual process that was both mental and physical.

First he began to feel pale and sickly,   even though he wasn't ill -  then he found himself losing his appetite for normal human food and drink,   then he started getting that lust for blood,   and then at night he started having those dreams -  in those dreams he was following the Walken who turned him,   being hypnotized by him and turning into a Walken himself - as strange as it sounded,   he was enjoying it.

And somehow he always woke up from the dream feeling disappointed he wasn't a Walken,  he was slowly beginning to feel like he had been a Walken the entire time,  like he was a Walken in human form.    He was even starting to think like a Walken,   he knew it was only a matter of time until he'd fully turn into one of many Walkens.
That night -  as he slept he was having more of those Walken dreams,  he found himself growling in his sleep and muttering about wanting more cowbell.   While he was sleeping, he swore he could feel a supernatural presence touching him -  almost like a ghost or spirit,  but it wasn't.

For when he awoke,  he was greeted by another Walken visitation,  this time by the real Walken himself -  he thought this was another dream but it wasn't.   He looked up at Walken, feeling slightly confused.


"'s alright.."

"Christopher Walken?  What are you doing here?"

"I know what's happening to you might seem strange at first.."

"Strange?  More like weird.  I feel so...urrrgh...thirsty."

"I know it may seen strange,   but...i'm here to help you."

"I...just feel so strange...all I can think about is blood and cowbell and...."

"I know what's happening to you..."

"You do?"

"You were bitten by a Walken..."

"A Walken?  But aren't you the only one?"

"There is more than one Walken."


"Oh yes, I am not the only Christopher Walken."


"There are several other Walkens as well."

"You mean there's more?"

"Indeed so."

"So...what happens to humans who have been bitten by 'Walkens'?"

" you probably can already tell by all the strange things that are happening..."


"You're going to become a Walken yourself.."


"I'm afraid so..."

"Will it hurt?"

"Not if you just let it happen."


"Oh yes,  oh yes..."

"I think i'm going to like becoming a Walken."

"Oh,  believe me -  you will."

"What do I need to do?"

"Just look into my eyes...and obey."

Nathan hesitated at first but he knew that he didn't want to tick off Walken,  so he looked up at him and gazed into his eyes -  as he did,  he slowly began to drift away -  making it ever so difficult for him to think normally,   all he could think about was -  Walken and how great it would be to be with him.

"Yess...I obey."

"From now on,  since you are about to become a Walken -  I am going to be your mentor, not just your mentor -  but...since all Walkens need a master... I will be YOUR master and you will obey me like a good obedient that understood?"

"Yes,  master Walken...I will obey you and do whatever you tell me to."

"That's it...relax,  give in,  obey..."

"Yes,  master."

" are thinking Walkeny thoughts....think Walkeny thoughts."

Walken-like thoughts and instincts began to cloud his mind as he drifted off even more,  obeying every single one of Walken's commands like a good Walkeny thrall always should, and in turn he grew to admire him even more and wanting to be like him in many ways.

He growled a little as he allowed the Walken instincts to guide him,  letting Walken himself condition him to be a perfectly obedient young Walken capable of serving his new master,  the more he thought about it -  the more Walkeny his thought process became as the trigger phrase: "Good...obedient,  Walken" echoed in his mind.

Because all that mattered to him now was being a good Walken for his new master and being so good and obedient,   that and blood -  lots and lots of blood...lots of delicious blood, which made him thirsty just thinking about it.

Which in turn triggered his transformation  -  the process itself commenced in a series of slow and gradual steps -  starting with  skin imperfections clearing up and fading as his skin paled,   becoming ghostly and vampiric in appearance,  while still looking ageless and flawless.

His nightshirt and pants peeled away and reformed  into an elegant black and grey outfit consisting of a suit,  tie and pants with a Hessian motif.     He thought this look was fitting, so much so he couldn't help but admire it.

In the process his torso,  chest and stomach slimmed down.   His arms elongated to become longer,  as did his fingers -  his fingers becoming thinner in the process as his fingernails lengthened and sharpened,   becoming akin to claws as a skull shaped ring materialized on one of his fingers.    His hands were also slowly shifting to become Walken-like,  resembling Walken's own hands.

His legs elongated to match his much longer arms as his slipper socks morphed into a pair of black dress shoes with striped socks to fit his feet which were altering to match his hands, a silver skull themed belt snaked itself around his waist as his back slimmed down to match the rest of his body.

He leaned slightly as he elevated in height to 6'ft,  he was now standing at the same height as Walken himself.   He felt a ticklish sensation at the back of his scalp as his hair slowly turned a sandy brown color before prickling up and taking on the style and texture as Walken's hair, he was now definitely feeling more Walkeny than ever -  completely forgetting what he was like prior to his transformation.

His neckline elongated to become thinner and more elegant looking,   now the pale vampire-like skintone was evident on his neck and on his face as well,   as his eyebrows thinned a little before turning sandy brown to match his hair.

The color of his eyes shifted from hazel to an icy blue as his eyes narrowed and became slightly sunken,  his forehead elevating itself higher up as his nose altered a little bit in size,  his cheekbones sharpened to become more pronounced as his cheeks sank in a bit.

His facial features slowly morphed and reshaped themselves as his chin narrowed out, his jaw-line slowly shifted to become more angular as his facial structure took on a more brachy/mesoian shape  -  his lips thinning out a little and curving into a crescentian shape as the tips became pointed,   his teeth lengthened and sharpened with the canines extending to become fangs while the rest of his teeth developed feral Hessian-like points.

Without even needing to look,   he could tell he was not only feeling like Walken but also looking like him too,  his voice developed a lower, gruffer pitch and tone as it shifted,  harshened and became more menacing,   it also altered to become more hypnotic and alluring,   developing a familiar sounding New York accent and set of rather...Walkeny mannerisms.

He could definitely tell he was sounding like Walken as well,   his Walkeny instincts fully taking over completely as his metamorphosis was complete -  he was now a 'Walken',  he had now been turned into a Walken capable of serving his new master.
From what he could recall  -  he couldn't recall ever being human,  in fact he recalled that was a Walken and that he always was one.   The new Walken seemed to recall being called Christopher,   or Chris for short.  In fact,   that name did have a nice ring to it,  it definitely rang a few cowbells. He roared proudly before approaching his new master the real Walken himself.

"Now tell do you feel?"


"That's what I like to hear..."

"I'm a good Walken aren't I?"

"Oh yes,   you certainly are."

"There's nothing I would rather be than your loyal Walken,  master."

"Stick with me,  I'll teach you how to put your Walken powers to good use."

And so,  Christopher  Walken taught Chris how to put his Walken powers to good use including how to hypnotize human victims and to turn them into Walkens or She-Hessians, he also learned from him how to hunt for fresh blood,  and how to dance and sing...the two formed a bond that to this day cannot be broken.

For Chris soon grew to be a strong,  fierce and powerful young alpha Walken and leader of his very own vampiric Walken army,   and he really enjoyed it.   To him,  being Walkeny was all that mattered now.     And with that the legend of the Walken was born and it was spread across many realms.

Even to this day it continues,   for Walken is eternal and always will be,   never grow old,  never die,   near-immortal -    Walken forever and for eternity,   for ever-lasting eternity - dawning a new era,  a Walkeny era.

You know what they say -  once bitten,  twice shy...but once bitten by a Walken,  your life will never be the same again and you can quote yours truly on that.    Is it a curse?  No,  it's a blessing -  in the form of Walken.

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