Tuesday, 29 December 2015

TftW: In The Walken's Den

TftW:  In The Walken's Den.
Chris Walken TF w/Were-Walken and virus motif.

NOTE:
This is a horror comedy story that tells of what happens when you obsess over someone for long enough and go around snooping in other people's business including such things as posting videos of theirs online without permission for lulzy purposes.  This is also inspired by Nothing But Trouble and House Of 1000 Corpses.   This is also where we actually see what the Walken's den looks like.   This is also inspired by the Eagles song Hotel California.
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Rupert aka RuthlessRupert was the kind of troll wannabe that only existed for one purpose,  to screw people over and to be screwed over himself  -- and that was about it,  he wasn't particularly bright and he was very nosy and enjoyed snooping around in places that he didn't belong,    he was obsessed with finding the elusive Walken that had been haunting the streets at night and had dedicated his whole life to tracking down the Walken or 'Were-Walken'  as he often called him. He had videos of the Walken sightings which he had mirrored from another one of Nathan's friends for the purpose of lulz, unfortunately this made him a lot worse.

These 'Walken' sightings had been reported for several nights now,   draining the blood of several humans and turning them into his minions -  all Walken-like just like him as a result of him biting them.   You see,  if a human is bitten by a Walken -  they will turn into one themselves,  the process sometimes varies - sometimes it is slow and gradual -  slowly but gradually altering them physically and mentally.  

When the former happens,   it's usually unnoticeable at first but as it gets stronger the process becomes more noticeable as the victim is slowly but surely transformed into a Walken,  usually with the mental side of the transformation it is the instincts and Walkeny mindset that start to develop first,   along with an appetite for human blood and a desire for more cowbell as well as a more vicious and bloodthirsty mindset.   And also they become more obedient to the Walken who turned them,  referring to them as their 'master' and getting the desire to be so loyal and Walkeny.

Of course sometimes the process is instantaneous with the person becoming Walkeny overnight,   it is implied that in some cases a human bitten by a Walken - specifically an alpha Walken will become a Walken on the night of the blood moon which is sometimes within the same week of or after the night they were first bitten.   With female victims,  they become alluring vampiress types known as She-Hessians - who are treated with love and respect by the Walken who turned them.

Rupert here was anxious to find out more about these Walken sightings,  which was of course was going to prove to be a huge mistake on his half,  because if there's one thing Walkens are known for -  it's hunting down those who have been bad and using their dark powers to give them horrific nightmarish visions.   One night he set out on a mission to catch the elusive Walken,  after he chatted to Nathan online about wanting to find out more about it -  Nathan agreed to help him,  but as soon as Nathan left him all alone,  he blabbed to his stupid buddies on a forum about this and how about he was going to hunt the 'Walken' down.

That night,  he was making his way over to the location where Nathan said the 'Walken' attacks were happening and to where the Walken was said to live,  up ahead in the distance - he saw a frightening sight -  a dark,  gothic  hotel of some kind.   There was the smell of blood in the air,   his head grew heavy and his sight grew dim - so he decided to stop for the night. As he approached the main entrance,  he could make out a sign that said the 'Walken's Den', it appeared to be for some kind of hotel,  Nathan stood in the doorway as the mission bell could be heard,  he held up a torch as he made his way across.

"This place could be heaven...or it could be hell."

"Welcome...I suppose you're here for the Walkens,  yes?"

"Yes...I was told the Walken or Were-Walken as I call him lives here..."

"And you heard right,  however -  he's not here at the moment."

"When will he be here?"

"Very soon...in fact probably much sooner than you think."

Nathan showed Rupert the way,   the doors of the hotel opened as if by supernatural magic as he guided him all the way into the hotel -  once he had gotten to the hallway,  Rupert swore he could hear voices from the corridor -  and he swore that he heard them welcoming him, as if it was a harbinger of things to come.   The rooms were all delightfully twisted with a gothic blend.

"Welcome to The Walken's Den."

"Woah,   it's such a spooky but eerily lovely place."

"Yes,   it is a rather lovely place.  Owned by such a lovely face."

"This place is creepily awesome.   Does the Walken himself run this place?"

"He certainly does."

"Are there any other Walkens here?"

"Oh yes,   he has a lot of fellow Walkens -  that are his friends."

Looking over to the courtyard,  he could see several Walkens and She-Hessians dancing together to a haunting but soothing melody,  a dance to remember,  a dance also not to forget.   Nathan waved to one of the fellow Walkens,  who bowed to him.   Upon reaching the room he was to stay for the night,   he opened the door and walked in before sitting down on the bed.

"Can I spend the night here?  It would be just wonderful if I could."

"Of course you can,  but once you've spent the night -  there's no turning back."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well...once you stay the night here,  you'll be here forever."

"Forever?"

"Yes... forever."

"Is it cursed or something?"

"Yesss....as you soon will see."

He smirked slightly as he left the room,  leaving Rupert to contemplate over what Nathan meant,   of course he thought this was some kind of stupid attempt at trying to scare him or that it was a Five Nights At Freddy's scenario,  but it turned out to be more than that.  But little did he know was that his own persistence would lead to his downfall.
As he laid down on the bed,  he found himself having trouble sleeping -  he had dreams of being in the hotel that started off nice and calm but turned into nightmarish visions of him being hunted down by the Walken and having his blood drained.  To add more to this,  the voices he heard from the hallway kept him up - and he could hear them speaking,  they were talking about him...talking about how nice he'd be as one of them.

"I must be hearing things,  what's in the wine I drank earlier?"

"That's blood..and it's from the year 1969."

"Blood? Oh I get it...it's that vampire wine stuff that looks like blood."

"Nooo.. it's not."

"It's cherry juice?"

"No..."

"Is it fake blood?"

"No...it's REAL blood."

"Huh?"

There was a series of low-growls and hissing sounds as the blood moon became visible,  peering out from behind the clouds,  the hissing increased as it sent a chill down his spine and that was not all,  the voices from the corridor echoed as fierce roars emitted from nearby,  without warning he was suddenly ambushed by Nathan - who hissed as he grabbed him by the neck with inhuman strength.

"I just love it when humans like you come along."

"Wow...this Walken/Were-Walken stuff is great... how do yo do it,  Nathan?  I mean I know you were really lulzy when I talked to you IRL because you're just so ridiculously foolish  but you're also so self-aware...yet you can't help it."

"You're the foolish one,  because you've fallen for my trap."

"But..isn't this some sort of lulzy joke or something?"

"No.  Rupert,  this is no joke,   this is no hoax...this is all real."

"I don't understand..."

"Don't play dumb with me,  I know that you totally screwed me over by trash-talking about me on the forum to your stupid friends who are probably equally as moronic as you are, people like you make me sick."

"I'm sorry,  man...I didn't mean to."

"Sorry isn't good enough already here,  you should have known better than to screw me over like that,  which was very horrendous by the way.   You like using people for purposes like that,   you enjoy being screwed over and screwing over people over.  It's the only thing that matters to a failtroll wannabe like you."

"I'm sorry...please don't hurt me."

"But trolls and the like aren't any different than creatures of the night or drug addicts really, I mean they're all addicted to something and they all thrive on something in order to keep themselves from starvings.   With trolls,  it's always lulz.  But with types like me...it's something of a much more gruesome nature."

"I'll give you whatever you want...please don't hurt me..or kill me."

"What I want is...blood.  And more cowbelll..."

Nathan snarled slightly and as he did,  his voice changed slightly to become lower and slightly rougher in pitch,  developing a low baritone and a slight New York accent.  In the process his eye color shifted to icy blue as his eyes gave off a hypnotic supernatural glow,  he licked his lips as his fingernails lengthened and sharpened.

"Holy crap...did your eyes just glow?  And are those real claws?"

"Yesssss..."

"And your voice...it sounds familiar..."

"As it should..."

"I've seen those icy blue eyes before...are those the eyes of the Walken?"

"Yes.  And you know the Walken that's been terrorizing the city? The Walken that you've been searching for this whole time?  The one that brought you here?  Well here's the big reveal...that Walken, that Walken is me."

"Y-Y-you're the W-W-Walken?"

"Oh yes...I am."

"But you were human when I talked to you online."

"That's because it was daytime when you talked to me and I was in my human form using my everyday human name and profile.  The fact my icon is in fact of Walken should have given away the fact I wasn't human."

"But..."

"You see,  Walkens can blend in with humans by taking on a more humanoid un-Walkeny appearance.   They use this form as a disguise during the day and also lul their victims in to a false of security after winning them over with their charm."

"You...you..."

"Yes..and like most Walkens.   I'm much smarter than I look,  for I knew you were going to try and stab me in the back later by blabbing to your friends about how laughable you thought it was,   I knew you weren't going to take no for an answer and I knew that you would be stupid enough to come to a hotel that is run by and occupied by - thousands of Walkens and She-Hessians.  Of course,  like the good Walken I am...I didn't want to reveal the secret for you entirely,  but I think those several hints did the trick just fine."

"I thought this was all pretend..."

"Unfortunately for you,  it's very real.  This place is called the Walken's Den for a reason, this hotel may seem glamorous to unsuspecting humans,  but at night when the doors close and the moon arises - that's when the real nature of it all shines through.  For centuries,  us Walkens have used places like this to attract prey."

"Oh crap,   i'm going to be next on the menu aren't I?"

"Exactly.  That's why I told you that once you stay here,  you'll be here forever."

"I change my mind...I want to go home."

"You can't go home..."

"Why?"

"Because THIS is your home now."

"I don't like this at all...this is not a nice surprise at all.."

"You should have brought your alibis."

He ran out of his room in a frightened rush,  this was all too much -  he didn't ask for this or so he kept saying to himself,   but as much as he tried to deny it...there was no denying that he was definitely about to bite off more than he could chew,   as the hisses and snarls of the Walkens and She-Hessians echoed from down the hall.   There were mirrors on the ceiling, and blood red champagne on ice.

"I didn't ask for this..."

"Oh yes you did,  you wanted to know what all this Walken business was about...and now...you are going to regret it.   Humans like you are so gullible -  they always go snooping around in places they don't belong."

"All I wanted was to know more about the Walken..."

"But now you've bitten off more than you could chew.   Now there is no escape,  you are now trapped forever -  in your very own nightmare.  A nightmare in which you cannot get out of,   you asked for this and now you are a prisoner -  like all the other humans who
were brought here, you're a prisoner- of your own device."

He growled a few times as he slowly but surely transformed,  his skin lost all imperfections as his skintone slowly paled and became more ghostly and vampiric in appearance,  his arms elongated and grew more lithe as his hands shifted  -  until they looked more Walkeny than human,   his fingers elongated as his knuckles jutted and became more pronounced,  his fingernails slowly extended as they lengthened and sharpened until they were akin to claws - he hissed several times during this.   Rupert backed away slightly as he recognized the pale skintone,  long arms and sharp claw-like fingernails of the human that had been showing him around,   they were those of The Walken.

His stomach and chest slowly slimmed down along with his back and his waistline,  giving him a very lithe and slender build -  in the process his legs slowly extended and lengthened to become more lithe while his feet slowly altered to match his Walken-like hands.  His clothing melted and reformed into an elegant black and white striped suit with the tie and shoes to match.   He elevated in height to 6'ft as his neckline extended to become longer and more lithe as his shoulders slimmed in addition to this,   now he stood at 169lbs and was extraordinarily lithe.   In the process his ears became slightly pointed as his hair prickled up and turned sandy brown,  developing the texture and style of the Walken's hair,   his eyebrows thinned a little as they turned sandy brown to match his hair.  

The next to change were his eyes as they turned from hazel to icy blue as they spread out,  becoming narrower and slightly sunken while his forehead elevated itself higher up.   His nose altered a bit in shape to look more Walken-like as his features slowly shifted,   his lips thinning a little and curving themselves into a crescentian shape with pointed tips.   His teeth lengthened and sharpened with his canines extending to become akin to fangs while the rest of his teeth gained feral points and became Hessian-like.   He growled several times as he looked at Rupert with a semi-smirk on his face,  but not a wisecracking smirk - more like 'an oh boy,  are you in for it this time!'  kind of smirk.  

His facial features slowly altered in shape as did his facial structure,  altering to become more brachy/mesoian/dochephallian and his facial features slowly morphed themselves to become Walken-like as his cheekbones sharpened and became more pronounced while his cheeks themselves sank in,  in the process his jaw-line altered to become more angular as his chin narrowed. His voice gruffened and deepened,  altering to rougher but also very distinctive and alluring with a hypnotic and unique low-high-baritone sound and a very eerie but oddly entrancing tone and set of mannerisms along with a haunting and stoic feel to it,  along with a New York accent...in turn giving him a Walken-like voice to match.   When his transformation was completed,  the human that was there a long while ago was gone...instead,  there stood The Walken himself.

"I never thought i'd get to see the Walken up close before.  This is kind of scary."

"Well...it's about to get a whole lot scarier."

"Uh oh,   I don't like where this is going."

Rupert panicked as he made a dash down the corridor,    only to be greeted by a horrifying sight -  for in the 'master's  chambers,  the Walkens and She-Hessians gathered for the feast,  all licking their lips thirstily and hissing -  he tried to turn and run and he tried to fight them with some steely knives,   but he couldn't take down the Walken.    It wasn't long until The Walken attacked him,   grabbed him by the nape of his neck,   bit him and drained him of his blood -  which left a nasty bitemark on his neck.

Soon after he found himself joining the ranks of the other residents in the hotel as he became a lot less human and more Walken-like,  turning from a human into a Walken to serve the original Walken as a willing thrall.  The last thing he remembered before he got turned,  he was running for the door -  trying to find the passage back to the place he was before when he encountered the Walken.

"Let me out of here..."

"Relax..."

"What do you mean relax?"

"Relax,  fellow Walken. "

"I'm sorry...I didn't ask for this."

"Relax,  fellow Walken.  Us Walkens are programmed to hunt and recieve. But the thing is...while you can check out any time you like,    i'm afraid you live here forever now...as a Walken,    this is your new home now.  You can check out any time you like but and this is the real kicker....you can never leave."

And so with that the doors of the master's chambers in the Walken's den closed and all the Walkens and She-Hessians including Rupert who now served the Walken as a thrall,  celebrated for the rest of the night while the blood moon shined high up in the sky and the sounds of cowbell echoed in the background.

As for what happened to Rupert,  after being bitten and turned by the Walken and being made the Walken's thrall,  he learned a very valuable lesson and that lesson is....don't go around snooping in places you don't belong and to never double-cross a Walken or She-Hessian -  and also how to end up biting off more than you can chew.

Remember,   people who double-cross you OL might in fact be trolls or troll wannabes who just want to go snooping around in places they don't belong.  And also remember this,   no matter what you do,  don't you ever double-cross a Walken...because chances are if you double-cross them,  then you'll end up on their menu soon enough.   Oh,  and if you go around thinking it's all some kind of elaborate joke,  then you are too dumb to live and are most likely to end up becoming the Walken's next victim.  Don't go around playing nice with other people online if you're using them for trolling purposes only to blab about it to your stupid friends either,  because chances are...if you're going to stab that person in the back...then you're going to end up getting bitten...on the neck.

Also,  once you enter the world of the Walken,  you will not be able to get out.  Because once the Walken has you,   you won't be able to escape -  you'll be trapped in your Walken nightmare,  except this is no nightmare,   this is real.   Remember,  you can check out anytime you like,  but you can never leave.

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Monday, 14 December 2015

WB Rants: Fake Werecreatures.

Werebelushi rants:
Mythology
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Werebelushi:
Today's rant is on people who constantly think the idea of werecreatures based on humans rather than animals is a stupid idea.    People,  that's the whole point of it - ugh...I just HATE having to explain how it works.   What?  Do you people not know what satire is?
Oh, i'm sorry.. in whatever backwards universe you're from satire must be an alien concept to the likes of whatever your are.   People,   just because you dislike the idea of human based werecreatures doesn't mean you can complain about them and nitpick the hell out of them like one someone says shit like "Why are there no female werecreatures? All of them are male."

To which I reply to that one...wow,  SJW much?  Has this person been living under a rock for the past several hundred years or something?   In case you don't know there already have been female werecreatures in the Monster World,  I mean there's a female Were-Presley for crying out loud,   a female werejohncandy and even I have a female counterpart...so I don't see why you must go all SJW because you think there's not enough female werecreatures, heck there are a ton of Were-celebrity type TGs on DA  - are you not satisified enough,  you shrieking demon from the depths of Hell?   Lastly...my good friend does NOT have to listen to someone like you because he/she doesn't wish to please anyone and isn't out to get pageviews or attention,  he/she is just doing this for fun.

Also...to those who try to make up fake weresonas.  Stick to ACTUAL LIVING THINGS.  Objects such as vehicles,  food items and clothing are NOT living creatures -  they are inanimate,  you can't have Were-Inanimate Objects.  Yes,  I know people turning into inanimate objects isn't entirely new especially on sites like Furaffinity but still...you can't have your fursona or 'were-sona' as it were be something that ISN'T A LIVING ORGANISM.  Yeah,  this sounds a bit hypocritical coming from a werecreature based off a dead comedian but at least the person I based on was an actual living human being.

Besides,  being a piece of clothing every night would be depressing.  You'd be forced to be worn by someone all the time and you'd be helpless to do anything about it since clothing CANNOT breathe,  it can't talk,  it can't move and it just exists to be worn.  So you get to be a pretty sandal attached to your high-school crushes's feet,   but you don't get to do anything unless your 'owner' gets up and starts walking.   As for the werecelebrity gimmick,  leave THAT to the professionals.  

Were-food?  Really?  I'm sorry but if you turn into a piece of bread every-night,  then you must have the most depressing life ever.  I mean all you do is sit in the fridge and wait to get eaten,  what kind of life is that?   I mean it must be terribly depressing knowing the only purpose you have is to be eaten.   Unless you're a living food monster made by Grandma Stuffems,  then there's no chance of you ever surviving an entire night as a piece of food..especially if you've read the classic story of the Gingerbread Man.  I mean don't you just hate it when some jerk claiming to be a Were-Pizza shows up at a meeting of actual werecreatures?  I certainly do.

To the person who acted like a pretentious prick and said that my creator needs to do something other than werecreatures and to give things like Pokemon a try.  Here's the problem with that,  there are ALREADY more than 400 types of Pokemon for almost every single creature you can imagine (except koalas, deep sea fishes, and so forth) including inanimate objects and food - yes,  people I have just addressed the fact that there are Pokemon based on non-living organisms.  Face it,  there's a Pokemon variant of almost everything,  so it would be impossible to think of any new ideas.

Also regarding this user's other suggestion...vampires who age.  I'm sorry but having a vampire age is technically defeating the point of their immortality to begin with, being immortal means they are immune to aging,  they can still be killed in various ways but they don't age.   And no...they're NOT the same as zombies,  because while technically undead, they're more human and zombies are mindless and inhuman with a Horror Hunger for either flesh or brains,  and even those Romero type zombies are inspired by a similar flesh-eating creature in folklore known as a Ghoul.

For the record,  Jack Goodman in American Werewolf In London is a ghost NOT a zombie,  and no...Eric Draven/The Crow isn't a zombie either,   he's just the spirit of vengeance personified.   And also...in case anyone asks,  Machete in Machete Kills is NOT a zombie either...he's just an action-hero type who is inhumanly powerful and strong and can survive anything.  Also..regarding Deadites, they're demons NOT zombies.

So...you think this vampire should be the type that goes after virgin blood and if they don't they'll rapidly age?  One problem,  that type of concept has ALREADY been done.  The 1985 film Once Bitten -  starring a very young Jim Carrey by the way -  did that with the Countess  - she needs to bite a virgin on the thigh three times before halloween or she'll age at the stroke of midnight.   The movie The Hunger has also done aging vampires as well.  And besides...like I said,  having a vampire age kind of defeats the purpose of them being immortal to begin with.  I know they said to give vampirism a try but here's the thing, there already IS a new take on vampires -  they're called Walkens and no they're NOT 'Were-Walkens'.

It's like when the Sleepy Hollow tv series revealed that Abraham Von Brunt was the Horseman the entire time and how he became the horseman to begin with. The Headless Horseman isn't human to begin with -  so why make it so he was human at one point?  The original story and lore behind the horseman does in fact explain that the horseman was a soldier at one point but that's all we know about him.  Regarding Christopher Walken's Hessian in Tim Burton's version and people asking..why the sharp teeth and growling? Well.. he's a bloodthirsty monster, and monsters are supposed to have sharp teeth and/or fangs except for ones that don't have teeth.   Plus...wouldn't you sharpen your teeth to vampiric points if you could?  After all,  that is a form of Body Modification.

Regarding my earlier bit on vampires...having a vampire age defeats the point of them being immortal,  it's like if you have a were-shark who transforms during the day but he needs to be in a pool of water - or a were-dragon who is weak against fire which is the thing he/she breathes out of their mouth.

Or a were-frog who is amphibious but only transforms into frog form when he's in the water,  or having a Romero styled zombie who only goes after the brains of intelligent people rather than brains in general.   See?  It's kind of like having a plutarkian who smells like perfume rather than smelling awful.  

People,   my friend isn't here for your amusement,  he's got a life of their own - you know and I don't think he'd like it if you kept whining about how stupid you think his creations are, now please grow up for pete's sake.   I'm That Werebelushi In The Shades reminding you to relax,  man...it's just stories.   Now if you excuse me,  i've got to continue writing my review for the Goosebumps movie.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Apartment of Horrors

TftW: Apartment Of Horrors.
Russell Brand TF/Werecreature motif with possession and mind control

NOTE:
This story is extremely disturbing and features horror elements,  it's also a dark comedy style with a Rob Zombie influence as well as inspiration from Troma films,  C.H.U.D,  Night Of The Demons and the Were-Celebrity TG stories on DA.   This is also inspired by my own personal experiences i've  had online.
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Nathan Forester aka Monstermaster13 had quite the history OL of being known as the Werecreature Guy or the 'Were-Celebrity Guy'  especially by internet trolls who tried to make him look bad and ruin his reputation,   of course said trolls were too moronic to know the difference between fantasy and reality and thought that his stories were real. 

To the point that at one point they actually referred to him as the 'werejohncandy' 'wereleno'  'weregrinch'  or several lame were-names.   Over time he learned how to predict their every move,   he knew exactly how all internet trolls acted and how their trolling tactics worked,   after all -  a troll's desire for lulz was no different than a drug addiction or a zombie's horror hunger for brains or flesh.
He had this reputation for being a dark and frightening monster expert who could actually not only bring your worst fears to life but also turn himself into a variety of things,  and he could use his supernatural expertise to bring forth a new reign of terror if he so desired,  but he wasn't evil -  his monstrous persona wasn't evil at all,   he just enjoyed scaring people for fun and writing horror stories.   Of course,  he didn't really mind the attention either -  in fact he just loved to toy with the poor unfortunate losers who dared to question his work.

One night,  he decided to show these types of people the errors of their ways,  in a twisted and monstrous way.   He was in the bathroom and he had just thought of the most insane way ever,   he got out several candles and walked over to the mirror before turning all the lights out.  He smirked slightly as he held a candle in front of the mirror.   He then thought of the movie Candyman and the old Bloody Mary urban legend,  and decided to add his own little twist on it, using experience from all of the nightmares he had in previous months.

"Oh, this is going to be so insane.  Sure I might regret this afterwards..but hey,  they asked for it, and who am I to deny a request?  Heh heh."

"What's going on in there?"

"I don't know,  but it's all dark and creepy in there...and I hear ominous music."

"They asked for this and  welll... If they want a horrific monstrous abomination,   they're going to get one alright...and then they'll be sorry.  Oh they certainly will be,  oh yes they will.  And they'll never forget this night as long as they live."

He leaned closer to the mirror before concentrating all of his dark,  supernatural energy and unleashing his darkest,  hairiest,  scariest,  absolutely worst nightmare's essence into the mirror - concentrating before checking to see if there was anyone around,   of course the people that he had lured over into his apartment's haunted house were too busy exploring and wondering what was going on to notice.

So,   mustering up all his courage and supernatural know-how,  he looked into the mirror -   concentrated and uttered the two words that he dreaded the most -  putting all his dark supernatural energy into it.

"Here it goes....Russell Brand,  Russell Brand,  Russell Brand..."

The lights flickered on and off in a supernatural manner as a hissing sound emitted from the mirror,   a shadowy,  ghostly entity emerged from it as he jolted back in fright,  and the sound of wicked laughter could be heard in the background.   Realizing that this was a huge mistake,  he got out his torch and his book of incantations and tried to think of a spell to reverse this...but it was already getting close to being too late.   The ghostly entity which could best be described as an evil spirit of some kind lunged out at him.

"Maybe this was a bad idea..."

The evil spirit licked its lips before flying into his body and possessing him,   he began to feel violently ill as he clutched his stomach in pain,  he grunted several times in agony as he coughed up black liquid,  the black liquid then dripped from his lips as the spirit slowly began its process of corrupting him from within.    Dark thoughts slowly began to fill his mind as his appetite shifted to a more ravenous and bloodthirsty one,   in other words...a Horror Hunger of sorts.

As the evil spirit's essence and aura corrupted him from within,  it also began to warp and distort him from the outside as well,   his complexion slowly began to dirty itself up as it became lighter,  in the process small black hairs slowly grew on his chest as his chest slimmed down and elongated in length to 109 centimeters and 43 inches,  his arms also slimmed down as they extended to 33.5 centimeters and 14 inches.   His clothing also fell victim to the evil spirit's corruption as it warped itself into a very Russell styled outfit with black leather,  several chains and a couple of rings on his fingers.

His stomach and waistline slimmed down and elongated to 84 centimeters and 33 inches as a sanskrit tattoo appeared on one of his arms,  in the process he shot up in height to 6'1 and 185 centimeters as his shoulders and back slimmed down too,  while his legs lengthened and his shoe size shifted to a size ten.   He hissed and snarled as he writhed,  his neckline growing longer as the shape of his head became more oval.   He now weighed about 163lbs and was very lithe.

Inky blackness slithered its way up and down his hairline as his hair slowly extended and grew longer, growing messier and more wild-looking as it turned from brown to black,  tangling itself up into a wild back-combed style as his eyebrows blackened and arched, thickening a little in the process.   His eyes which were already brown,  darkened to a much darker shade of brown as they widened a little while guy-liner of sorts was applied around them.

He tried to resist the more monstrous and beastly urges but the spirit's power over him was too strong and not to mention highly addictive,  dark supernatural energy surging all through his veins and his very being,  corrupting him and filling him with ravenous and bloodthirsty thoughts.   He licked his lips as his expression curved itself into a wicked semi-smirk of sorts while his lips themselves became a bit more pronounced as his nose shrank a little.

His facial features morphed and distorted themselves as facial scruff grew around his face,  not a full on beard but more on the lines of a wannabe werewolf with a hit of the unshaved look,  in the process, his cheekbones became more defined and his features slowly warped and molded themselves into the likeness of comedian Russell Brand.  His voice harshened as it altered to match his appearance,  in return giving him an Essex based British accent and Russell's voice as well.

The last to change was his personality as it shifted to a darker,  more sinister one with a killer sense of humor and his mindset was completely over-taken by a more bloodthirsty and monstrous one,   where once was Nathan -  there was no more,  there was only Russell and he was hungry...oh so very hungry,  and thirsty too.   He chucked evilly to himself as his transformation completed.

"Ah,  yes...absolutely perfect and devilishly attractive.  Now THIS is a form I could get used to it.  Such dark supernatural power,  such monstrous urges.   Mmm,  yes -  I can definitely get used to this form."

The newly corrupted and transformed Russell Brand hissed as he admired his new form,  a devious idea then crept into his twisted mind as he unleashed some supernatural energy out,  creating a dark nightmarish vortex and corrupting the room around him.   He levitated in mid air for a few seconds before turning the entire apartment into a real haunted house filled with monsters,  death-traps and other horrific things -  he then swirled around and turned into a cloud of black mist before manifesting in the hallway where the people from earlier were.   When he arrived,  he morphed out of mist form and then emerged sitting on a dark throne.   The crowd of foolish dickheaded people who thought his werecreature stories were real looked in absolute shock and horror.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Hello,  my name is Russell...Russell Brand to be exact."

"What the hell did you to do that 'werejohncandy guy'?"

"Is that all you think of my good friend Nathan?  As the 'werejohncandy guy'?"

"Yeah,  because like he's insane and believes the werejohncandy is real."

"Or perhaps you're the insane ones.  Perhaps it is you who fails to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.  In your sick,  twisted,  minds you still view him as the 'were-celebrity' guy when you should know it's all made-up.  You don't know what is fact and what is fiction.  He's told you time and time again that he does what he does for fun and because he's good at it...too bad you're all moronic enough to believe it's real."

"But it is..."

"To you,  maybe...and maybe you all need to learn your lesson.."

"What lesson?"

"You all asked for him to show his more monstrous side -  and you got that,  in the form of me.  I am the side of him that lurks deep within,  that dark twisted monstrous side of him that just loves to scare pathetic hooligans like you." 

"But we didn't ask for this.."

"Oh yes you did.  And as the old saying goes,  be careful what you wish for."

"We're sorry Mr Brand...we didn't mean to bring this upon ourselves."

"Aaaaw...that's sweet.  But then again,  so is this...."

Russell then brought one of the male hooligans closer to him and began licking him before reaching for his mouth,   in the process his teeth sharpened as he sank them into the hooligan's tongue,  in one strong bite he managed to rip the hooligan's tongue clean off before eating it up. 

"Aaaah!"

"Silly,  human.  You know,  you really should have done the smart thing..."

"Please...."

"I mean really didn't anyone tell you to...hold your tongue?" 

He chuckled slyly to himself as he spat out the remains of the hooligan's tongue,  smirking slightly as he licked his lips and tasted some of the blood that came off them,  yes...it was very delicious and addictive.

"We just wanted to have fun at his expense that's all,   please don't kill us."

"Well if you all just wanted to have fun,  why didn't you say so?  I LOVE having guests over,  especially ones as weak-minded and easily frightened as you.   Don't you worry now,  I won't kill all of you,   we're all just going to have some good ol fashioned fun...of course my version of fun is a little different than yours."

He pulled a lever of sorts which opened up a trap-door,  in turn the trap-down opened and a group of hooligans fell through it into a demented rollercoaster which went in all sorts of crazy directions,  when the rollercoaster stopped -  their bodies were chopped up and stuck onto a giant spider-web of sorts.   He then subjected them to all kinds of horrific nightmarish imagery and torture but the best was yet to calm.

"Please....please..."

"As despicable as I find the lot of you to be for indulging in such mean-spirited behavior in the first place,   I can relate to your plight.  I mean we all crave something,  we all have addictions,  drugs,  video games,  lulz,  sex and what not.  Of course,  my craving is more monstrous than than most..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh...you'll see..."

He crept behind another male hooligan before sneaking up behind him and biting him on the shoulder with his sharp teeth,  not only wounding him but once the bite-mark healed up - the hooligan was infected with Russell's own blood and slowly turned into another Russell Brand, everyone in the room panicked as the beginnings of an epidemic took place.  Faster than you could say Return Of The Living Dead,  the newly infected second Russell Brand started biting other male patrons and turning them into Russells as well.

"Aaaah! Oh my god!"

"Oops...I forgot to tell you that i'm contagious."

Everyone screamed and panicked as he watched on,  watching as several male patrons were turned one by one into Russell Brands with the same Horror Hunger and powers as him,  while females were given vampire style love-bites that turned them into twisted,  vampiric mistresses to be their lovers.   Soon,   the entire haunted apartment was home to several Russell Brands and several vampiric mistresses.   The entire party was quickly becoming a night from hell for the rest of the poor hooligans that hadn't been turned yet.

"Aaaah,  please...no more..."

"Aaaw?  What's the matter?  Did I scare you?  It's okay,  I'm just having fun.  And you know what they say,  it's all fun and games until someone winds up paying the price...and that someone is all of you."


"Is there a way out?  Please....is there a way out?"

"A way out?  I'm afraid you're all stuck here."

"But..."

"This is what you all asked for. Your appetite for the horrifying and the bizarre lured you here and brought you to me. And now,  you're now all-prisoners here of your own device."

"But..."

"Now now,  don't be such a bunch of fraidy cats.  I know you love it when stuff like this happens, and since you all love being scared so much,  you're now in your very own horror story...and guess what,  my dear friends?  You're...THE VICTIMS!"

"Let's get out of here..."

"Relax, my dear friends. This is all part of the fun."

"Huh?"

"After all, like it says in that classic Eagles song we're programmed to receive.  You can check out of here anytime you like,  but remember this,  while you can check out anytime you like, you can never leave."

And so,  with that Russell clicked his fingers and commanded all the other Russell Brands and the vampiric mistresses to attack the surviving group of hooligans,  within seconds the males of that group were turned into fellow Russell Brandites and the females became vampiric mistresses to serve as their lovers. 

After that,   no one ever questioned our good friend's work ever again or made quips about the were-celebrity gimmick or ever called him lame were-names ever again,  and they all learned a harsh lesson.   As for what happened later,  the Russell Brand invasion continued all over town with people all being infected and turning into Russells just like the patrons that had been lured over to the apartment.

Remember my friends,  it's okay to have a little bit of fun and to indulge in your own much darker side,  but if it's at the expense of others and for mean-spirited purposes,  then you'll might find yourself in your very own horror story - with you as the victim.  Oh, and if you run into our good friend Monstermaster13 when he's in his twisted Russell Brand form,  i'd be careful about what you do and say to him,  after all -  he might not think the same of you,  in fact he might think of you as being delicious...after all,  He's A Humanitarian

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Revolting Revolution

Revolting Revolution

NOTE:
This is one of many of the Were-Russell stories that has a transformation into the Russell/Were-Russell persona,  and this is one of the first to have Kara -  one of his friends in a co-starring role.
-------------------------------------------------------
Our hero Nathan was watching television with his friend Kara,  flipping through the channels when Russell Brand appeared on the news channel -   which excited Kara because she was a Russell fan-girl,   Nathan on the other hand was disgusted.

"Ugh....Russell Brand again?  Does this idiot ever shut up!"

"Aaaw come on Nathan,  don't bash him -  he's doing a good thing."

"He'd be doing a good thing if he kept his mouth shut."

Nathan had absolutely had it up to here with Russell Brand,  as far as he could tell 2014 was the year almost dominated  by Brand and his 'revolution'.   He thought that the whole Russell worshiping thing was a stupid fad or fan-girl obsession gone too far.     It was the worst thing to ever  happen that year since Robin Williams,   Rik Mayall and  Bob Hoskins died.

"Aaaw,  don't be mean to Russell...what did he ever do to you?"

"I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT HIM AND OF TURNING INTO HIM!"

"Oh..."

"That's what he did to me, he gave me nightmares."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to... he's harmless...isn't that right Lil Russell?"

Kara hugged her Russell Brand plush-doll and squeezed him tightly,  the doll -  which had Russell's voice was one she won at a Revolution book signing.   The doll was a cutiefied plush version of Russell in his signature outfit.

"Hello! I'm Lil Russell Brand.  Do you want to play a game of revolution with me?"

"I love you Lil Russell.."

"Eeeew!  I still can't believe you talked me into helping you enter that stupid contest at the book signing just to win that stupid Russell Brand doll.  I mean just look at that thing,  it's repulsive.  And I can't believe I was talked into helping you win that stupid doll!"

"Don't be mean to Lil Russell.  He's the cutest thing ever! Stupid doll?  Stupid doll?  Lil Russell is not a stupid doll,   he's an adorable plushie that walks and talks and is fully interactive with other electronic plushes."

"Pfft.   The Little Jay -  the Jay Leno plushie that was given out when I portrayed Jay Leno in the musical and movie 'Leno'  is the exact same thing -  only it is something I made as a cute toy to entertain Leno fans.    Russell Brand just keeps ripping off my ideas!"

"But Lil Russell is the only doll who reads from both My Booky Wooks,   Trickster Tales and Revolution.   Plus his hair is super soft.  And he makes the cutest sounds,  he even giggles when you tickle him and he cries when you don't give him a hug."

"Why did you want to win that doll anyway?"

"Because when I went to the toy store to get one -  all of the toy stores were sold out."

"Ever hear of Ebay?"

"I did check on there but most of the Lil Russell dolls for sale were in different outfits,  the one I wanted was the one with the signature outfit because that one looked really cute in the photo."

"And how exactly did you win it?"

"Simple.   I entered an essay contest."

"I suppose the essay was Russell related."

"It sure was!  Over 10 pages or more of 'Why I Love And Adore Russell',   I ran out of paper so I had to use some of yours.  There wasn't enough room for all the words I use to describe Russell."

"YOU DID WHAT TO WRITE YOUR STUPID RUSSELL BRAND ESSAY?"

"I used some of your paper...."

"YOU USED...MY...PRINTER...PAPER?"

"I'm sorry..."

"MY...PRINTER....PAPER!?"

"I'm sorry..."

"THAT'S IT! YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE. NOW I'VE OFFICIALLY HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU AND YOUR RUSSELL BRAND OBSESSION! IT'S GOTTEN OUT OF HAND!PLEASE..GIVE ME THAT DOLL...RIGHT NOW!"

"Noooo...not Lil Russell!"

In a fit of rage,  Nathan picked up the Lil Russell Brand do and started to fiddle around with it,    but before he could do that -  he  was greeted by a rather unwelcome sign indeed,  intense pain jolting through his whole body.

"Ugh......oh god...."

"Are you alright,   Nathan?"

"Do I look like i'm okay?  I'm in intense pain here!"

He clutched his stomach as he began to feel very violently ill,  coughing up black liquid as he did so,   he wasn't sick physically -  in fact you could tell he was perfectly healthy with no health problems.    But he felt as if he had eaten something poisonous or was about to throw up,  it was an extremely unpleasant feeling.

Kara wanted to help Nathan but it looked like he was in a great deal of agony,  which he was - he could feel all sorts of unpleasant sensations jolting through his body and it made him moan out in absolute anguish and for numerous reason.   Looking at his chest,  he could see what appeared to be hairs growing on it,   but they weren't the same color as his hair -  they were black,  they were very thin hairs,  they weren't bushy or entirely hairy...just thin hairs that met in the middle,  making it look like patches of black fur.

The hairs also slowly crept up his arms as fingernails elongated,  lengthened and sharpened, turning jet black and becoming akin to claws,  his arms extended to 33.5 centimeters in length and became very lithe,  his complexion dirtying itself up a little as he felt his arms,  on one of his arms a 'sanskrit' tattoo manifested itself.   He grunted several times in agony as his very being began to alter and distort. 

He clutched his stomach like he did before,  only this time it was because his appetite was rapidly changing to become more ravenous and monstrous,  he snarled several times as his chest and torso elongated in length to 109 centimeters and 43 inches.    In the process his back became much leaner,  and a pair of black raven-like wings slowly grew out of it.   His waistline also slimmed down along with his stomach going to 84 centimeters and 33 inches, his shoulders also elongated to follow.

In the process,  he slowly elevated in height to 6'1/6'2,  as his clothing slowly remolded itself into a black leather ensemble with several silver chains and rings on his fingers,  his neckline elongated itself to become more slender.   One of the parts he feared the most was coming up,  he could feel it .  His hair slowly extended and lengthened as it grew longer,  becoming tangled and messier as it slowly turned jet black,  the style turning from its normal straight-style into a rather wild back-combed hairstyle.

A pair of black furred wolf-like ears slowly peaked out of the top of his head and perked up, as his head shape shifted to become oval,  in the process his eyebrows slowly thickened and blackened before arching a little,  his eye color turned to a darker shade of brown before turning a golden yellow color and becoming lupine in nature.

His eyes in general widened as eyeliner or 'guy-liner' as it was sometimes called was applied around them,  in the process his nose shrank a little as his lips became a bit more pronounced,   his teeth sharpened as his canine teeth extended to resemble fangs while the rest of them became pointed.   Scruffy,  visible facial hair grew around his lower-jaw and his chin as his facial features morph and distorted.

There was an uncomfortable stretching sensation as his facial features morphed, distorted and reshaped themselves until they were molded into the likeness of Russell himself -  which only made him more horrified about this whole ordeal.    But the worst,  the worst was yet to come and it was the part he hated the most.

He whimpered several times as his voice altered itself to match his appearance,  slowly altering to become Russell's voice as his accent altered into an Essex based British accent,  in the process -  his mind began to fill with dark and twisted thoughts as his intelligence increased,  his personality becoming more rebellious and dangerous but also highly intellectual and flirtatious.   It was now impossible to tell if he was even himself at all,  as far as he knew...he looked and sounded and acted like Russell. 

His facial expression curved itself into a sly smirking expression as his transformation completed,  it seemed that now once again Russell/Were-Russell had been awakened,  he blushed sheepishly before picking himself up. 

"I can explain...honest."

"You....you...you're..."

"I know what you're going to say..."

"You're Russell!"

"What?  Oh hell no...i'm not Russell,  i'm Nathan...your friend.."

"Oh,   Russelll -  you're so silly..."

"But I am NOT Russell Brand!"

"Oh yes you are..."

"Kara...what the hell has gotten into you?"

"Nothing,  it's just...i'm a little obsessed with Russell..."

"A little obsessed?  Kara,  the room you live in the apartment is filled with Russell Brand stuff,  you even have Russell Brand dolls that you collect and talk to like they're the real thing,  you can't get enough of him.    He's all you ever think about it."

"Okay...I admit it."

"Sometimes I don't know what to do with you and your obsession with him. The lights on are on,   but you're not home.  Your mind is his - and not your own.   Your heart sweats,  your body shakes -  and Russell Brand is all it takes."

"I know,  I know..."

"It just gets so out of hand sometimes.  All you do is fantasize about him.  You can't sleep,  you can't eat  There's no doubt,  you're in deep. Your throat is tight,  you can't breathe,   to you -  Russell is all you need.  You like to think you're immune to his charms,  but it's closer to the truth to say you think you belong in his arms."

"Aaaaw...if only.."

"That's exactly what i'm talking about.   You know,  you're gonna have to face it -  you're addicted to Brand.  You're gonna have to face it,  you're addicted to Brand.  Might as well face it,  you're addicted to Brand."

"You're right,  i'm totally addicted to him."

"Your Russell Brand obsession makes you so dangerous to be around,  Kara.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing,  i'm just saying...at least warn me before going into Fan-Girl from Hell mode on me,  please?  You're a bit of a monster when you're like this."

"I can't help myself..."

"It's alright,  just don't over-do it."

"I won't..."

Russell/Were-Russell sighed for a bit before calming down and giving Kara a hug,  he then turned his attention towards the television and switched the channel to the horror channel where there was a special marathon of Werecreature movies showing.   He sat himself down in front of the tv and decided to watch the marathon.

"Coming up next on the Horror Channel...the 1982 remake of Cat People followed by a double bill of the Howling and Howling II.   Plus,  stay tuned after the break for a chance to talk to legendary shock-rock horror DJ Doctor Insanity."

"Now THIS is more like it!"

And so with that,  Russell/Were-Russell kicked his feet up and sat back as the Horror Channel's Werecreature marathon played on,  he smiled as he looked at the poster of Elizabeth Brooks as Marsha in the Howling and then towards the Fangoria collection he had been working on.    He knew that he was going to be in for one hell of a night,  and he definitely felt more relaxed than he did before this entire ordeal happened,  of course he was just glad Kara wasn't going to tell her friends about his hairy wairy Russell Brandy Wandy secret.

As for what happened to him later,  he morphed back to his normal form for a while but then decided to lay around the apartment as Russell/Were-Russell and snuggle up with his friend Kara,  for even though her Russell obsession could be dangerous at times -  he still considered her a very good friend.

Monday, 30 November 2015

WB Vignettes: How Not To Do A Review.

Werebelushi:
Hello everyone and welcome to a special segment called How Not To Do A Review...tonight we'll be tackling how not to do a review of a fanfic.    The first thing you must know is that there's a difference between critiquing something and out-right bashing it to pieces,  critiques -  while they don't always have to be sugar-coated,  can be helpful and can teach the person in question to improve their work,    bashing on the other hand is just Complaining About Something You Obviously Don't Watch/Play or Know About.

Which leads to the first major problem of this piece...saying 'Oh god this fanfic sucks'  is NOT a critique,   it's more like acting douchey for the sake of acting douchey.   And also...shouldn't you at least know what game or movie you're talking about?   All you are saying is that you think you know how games like Skyrim work..when obviously you don't play them at all - you're just using that to call out the author.  Besides,  save THAT for fanfics like Dipper Goes To Taco Bell.

Also...your second mistake is pulling out the Gary Stu card.  I'm sorry,  but NOT all supernatural characters in fanfics are Gary Stus or Mary Sues,   because believe it or not..monsters do in fact have flaws and weaknesses.   Also...you're really calling out the author for having a character like that?   If it makes sense in the context of the movie or show the fanfic is based on -  then it does NOT qualify as a Gary Stu or Mary Sue at all.

The character in the aforementioned fanfic was a monster with several different personalities depending on the story in question.   And now here's why it becomes nothing but nitpicking...i'm sorry,  but why are you questioning why the female monster character is reacting to being called ugly by humans?    Like I said....those who are trying to question this,   please don't -   it's a light-hearted fantasy story not an Oscar winning masterpiece.  And honestly...wouldn't YOU be pissed off if someone called you ugly and you happened to be a monster?   Yes, and so would I!

Also...with the second review...uhhh...did you forget to do research or something?  In the other story you supposedly reviewed it mentions John Belushi's death and where exactly he died -  in Bungalow number 3 of the Chauteau Marmont hotel.  I'm sure someone could have at least told you that.   And also...yes,  this story takes place one year after his death.   As for the ghost haunting the hotel theory?   It could in fact actually be true.   Or maybe the Chateau Marmot is like the titular hotel in the Eagles's song Hotel California.

Our so called reviewer here just asks a bunch of dumb questions about the story and does nothing more than that.  I'm like...dude,  if you're going to be rambling on at least have a point or you'll look like a moron.    Since this is a classic horror movie set-up we have our two teenage protagonists trying to cause mayhem,  not knowing the place is in fact haunted..classic horror trope.

In the story after they look at the plaque,   it is then they realize what they're in for.  And of course the so called reviewer here makes a big deal out of this by making a bunch of lame jokes and nitpicks it to death.  Calm down,  dude - it's just a story.  And wow,  would you look at that?  It's one of my first ever appearances.   And i'm playing the Werebelushi himself,  and i'm portraying him as a supernatural version of Belushi himself.  It was my idea to play the role that way.   I have no dialogue in this scene except for a few grunts,  roars,  yells and snarls but i'm still extremely good at being menacing in that scene.

Also..you can really tell this user was obviously trolling because of how hard he tries to be like his former friend who was also doing the same thing.   Lay off the lame meme references, please.  I mean how would you like it if my reviews consisted of Happy Madison style crude humor and references to memes nobody finds hilarious anymore?  How would you like it if this review consisted of the following?  *facepalm*  Lulwhut?   Epic Fail.  Son I Am Disappoint...I AM A MAN! Big Lipped A CHUCK NOOOOOORRRRRISSSS Aligator Moment with a side order of Elephant and Milhouse is not a meme!   How would you like that,  huh?  It would be annoying,  right?

Exactly...so I don't go around making lame references to memes nobody gets or finds even remotely funny anymore.   Besides,  your references needed more cowbell.   Also...what does the Illuminati have to do with anything?  What does an organization that doesn't even exist have to do with anything?  Is this just you acting like a hypocrite and calling out other people for their beliefs?   Look,  dude...I don't care about your illuminati squid-spider-frog-person-superpowers or if you drink tiger blood like Charlie Sheen does,  I can tell that unlike him you're definitely NOT winning.

So we just get nothing out of this so called review other than this user is either trolling or just plain insane,  or possibly just one of those stereotypical conspiracy nutjobs who blames the illuminati for everything.  And that's about it...nothing but 'I can do better than this'  'this fanfic is crappy'  'it makes no sense'  and other complaints that shouldn't even be taken remotely seriously,  obviously said user has inferiority complex that they're hiding from everyone.

This isn't so much a 'review'  as it just complaining about something you don't know about or have even played or seen.   This is just bashing and that is that,  i'm sorry but this doesn't prove anything except you are complete tool.   At least when I do something like that in one of my rants it's my expressing my feelings towards how awful said movie or show actually is, or in the case of my soccermom and Russell Brand rants...it's me pointing out how stupid these people actually are.   And let's face it...Brand deserves to be called out for every single stupid thing he's done.

I'm sorry,   but just because you think my friend's work sucks doesn't mean I have to agree with you on everything especially since trolls don't know how real opinions work,  and they think that bashing and critiquing are the same thing.   You have to know how to respect other's opinions,  man.   Nobody is going to be agreeing with you if you keep making yourself look like a tool in front of everyone.    No amount of lame meme references,  Illuminati ramblings or hate speech is going to make you a critic at all,   in fact I would hardly call you a critic at all.

I'm not a professional by any means but I can tell you that what you are doing is wrong and you aren't a real critic at all,  you're just a troll and trolling and bashing are not the same as actually critiquing something.   And also I can tell you this - what your stupid friends were saying is complete bullshit.  Like Monstermaster13 himself,  I respect the opinions of others but still believe that criticism should at least be both positive and negative but not on the level of bashing.    But what makes them think that Monstermaster13 mistakes criticism for broad dislike?  If this is about that loser that did that stupid review on Tangled saying how he hated the movie...and how Rapunzel is a 'bimbo',  then  that person doesn't know how real criticism works -  yes,  he admitted to have seen the movie more than once but still...it still sounds way too harsh to be real criticism at all.

Even though I am primarily a parody of the whole old 'Ticked Off/Angry Reviewer'  trope in the vein of James Rowlf's  AVGN persona or the Nostalgia Critic,   I am more on the lines of 2TheRantingGryphon who is the inspiration of my show in general as well as Ben Tannehill aka BenTheLooney.   True,  the persona I use for my show is usually a very surly,  often angry and ticked off character  - there are times in which he's much calmer.   I know the show is called Werebelushi Rants but a guy like me can't be mad all the time.

It takes a certain something in order to get this werebelushi truly upset,  and in most cases it's either a bad remake (e.g the Arthur remake,  the Fright Night remake,  or Rob Zombie's Halloween),  a bad sequel (e.g Blues Brothers 2000),  topics such as politics,  religion,  bad reality shows,   bad tv shows,  and bad fanfiction (e.g Love At First Bite,   Dipper Goes To Taco Bell).   Or if you really want me to go all Anger from Pixar's Inside Out,  it has to be something or someone that pisses me off enough to make me do that,   like for example internet trolls, kids-trying-too-hard-to-be-edgy,   rude forum posts,  ignorant forum admins,   foreign extremist wannabes,  or if you REALLY want an explosive rampage of rage and fury,  there are five things -  I repeat...FIVE things,  guaranteed to make that happen.  

The first being soccermoms and their stupidity,  the second is overprotective parents,
the third is stupid Youtube comments,   the fourth is Illuminati/Conspiracy theorist crap that people on youtube believe is real,  and the fifth and worst offender of them all -  Russell Brand.   Just the mere mention of him doing something that leads to him getting his sorry ass handed to him on a plate is enough to drive me into a frenzy.   And i'm not so nice when i'm in a rage induced frenzy.

See?  That's the difference between me and the loser that obviously doesn't know what criticism is.    At least when I act all angry and like a sarcastic Jerkass,  i'm actually playing an exaggerated version of how I normally act.   If anything,  the Werebelushi In The Shades persona is more of a Jerk With A Heart Of Gold,  it's more of a case of Mean Character,  Nice Actor though.    And at least when I take on this role -  i'm playing a jerk who is actually likable and not a nutcase who is obsessed with the Illuminati.

Also...what kind of excuse is that?  What?  You're only nice when you're on drugs? You're only nice when you're high?  That's the stupidest excuse ever.   You're clearly failing at this critiquing business,  sir...I suggest you quit while you are ahead.   I can be nice,  I can be fair...i'm not always likely to have volcanic  rage induced freakouts,   I am very open and honest about things I like and don't like...and people like you...I DON'T like at all.   Nitpicking is one of my pet peeves,  dude...it's just a story,  it's not real.   As for the latter?  I believe you're the one who is throwing a bitchfit. That is NOT how to respond to proper criticism.   That is like how Derek Savage reacted to I Hate Everything's Cool Cat Saves The Kids review.

That is just you being a total diva.  That is just diva behavior and it makes you come across as a whiny douchebag,  i'm sorry but THAT kind of behavior is NOT how to respond to criticism at all -  I don't care what kind of bizarre upbringing you had to make you act that way,  you are making it worse -  for yourself by carrying on.   Oh...what's that?  You said that your critiques are better than mine and that I'm the one being a whiny douchebag?  I'm sorry...I couldn't hear you over the sound of your own pretentious whining and nitpicking.   Also..i'm sorry,   but your so called friend obviously was too dumb  to know what criticism is -  all of their work was the same and could be best summed up as follows: Bla bla bla once upon a time there was this loser that I hate for no reason bla bla bla and he was like a total troll and whatnot,  bla bla bla and one day he was doing something pathetic when bla bla bla bla all of a sudden some freaky monster thing that looked like the lovechild of Scar and the Iron Maiden mascot showed up and bla bla bla accused this person of something he didn't and then 'punished'  him by turning him and his friends into grotesque sex-toys,  bla bla bla the monster laughed at his misfortune and flew away,  bla bla bla pointless jab at the user in general -  followed by pointless meme reference bla bla bla the end.    That's basically all they were and they were awful.   That is NOT legit criticism,  that's just bad writing and hate speech in the form of a fanfic.    Can you imagine if an episode of my show started out like that?  I sure can't.  And do you know why?  Because it's fucking mean-spirited. I'm glad that both your friend and you are gone forever,   because I got tired of seeing you jerk off to that user's crappy fanfics.  Also...who the heck gets turned on by trolling?  Isn't that technically the same as masochism or sadism?

You are dangerously close to getting your whiny-ass handed to you by a 220lb Werebelushi,  pal -  I would recommend dropping the act and giving up all-together.   Oh...what's that? You're saying that it's not your fault that your critique didn't meet the original writer's expectations?    I'm sorry,   but since YOU wrote that critique -  it technically is YOUR fault and you should be feeling bad about what you did.    Also,  I would hardly call those hate-fics your friend did 'valid criticisms'  when it was really just bashing -  which is exactly what YOU are doing right now.   Also...the only person here with sycophantic tendencies here is you,  because obviously you're thinking way too hard about something

In conclusion...wow,  this 'critique'  of yours was fucking terrible and not in a So Bad It's Good way like Nothing But Trouble,  Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot,   or even direct-to-dvd sequels,  but more in an embarrassing way like Asylum films,  Disney Channel original movies and sitcoms,   post-movie era Spongebob,   most modern Happy Madison movies,  Seltzerberg,   Batman and Robin,   Blues Brothers 20000,  Freddy Got Fingered,  and those stupid Ancient Aliens documentaries.      Stop,  just stop.   We get it,  you're a pretentious prick who thinks they're better than everyone else...just shut up already.

I might as well be talking to a zombie because you're so devoid of intelligence it's like you're completely brainless.    And you call yourself a critic?  Ha.  I call you a loser,  a moron,  an imbecile,  a failtroll wannabe,  a douchebag and an abomination to mankind.  How do you even function in society knowing that you're a total failure?
If this has been too much TL;DR for your empty brainless head to take in,  i'm just going to tell you this in a language someone like you would understand.  *in a goofy dimwitted sounding voice* HURR HURR U DUN GOOFED!  *uses normal voice*  That's how much of a failure you are.  

What you just saw this person do is how NOT to do a review.   Remember,  don't be like this brainless idiot of a man right here,   be smart when it comes to critiques.  You don't have to sugarcoat it,  but pointing out the good and bad helps.   Acting like a hypocritical jerkass will not get you anywhere and will result in you making a total tool out of yourself.   Also,  if your only purpose for 'critiques'  like this is to force the author in general to take their work down for no reason other than 'this fanfic sucks',  then you are NOT a critic.  That is called harassment and also hate-speech.

Free speech does NOT mean you are free to say whatever the hell you want without consequences,  because there ARE consequences to that sort of thing and you still have to be really careful when it comes to the things you say.   Besides,  the way this user in general and his friends were talking wouldn't even be allowed IRL.    At least I can get away with it though because i'm a FICTIONAL character who puts on a mean persona when doing rants and such, but people like the loser I was talking about...nope.

I'm That Werebelushi In The Shades and this has been How Not To Do A Review aka How Not To Review A Fanfic, I hope this guide has both been helpful and amusing to you and if it hasn't, then...well...I respect your opinion and I do mean an ACTUAL opinion. However, if you're nitpicking, trolling or bashing - get out of here if you don't want me to kick your sorry ass from here to the 8th dimension.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Just Delete Them.

Just looking online for something to watch.
And I see your videos.
Just what do you think you're doing?
Stop right there.

Those videos aren't yours.
They're mine, you just stole them.
You may call it mirroring.
But I call it stealing.

You're taking something,
Something that doesn't belong to you.
Those belong to me, I had those videos.
You've been stealing my videos.
You're claiming them as your own.
It's not right,  it's wrong.

I don't care how luzly they are.
You're just taking something.
Something that isn't yours.
And using it for trolling purposes.
Stop it right this instance.
Or i'll report you.

Don't you know you're infringing on my rights?
Don't you know you're doing wrong?
Take those videos down right now.
Or I will report you.

It's okay if you're doing it for satire.
But if it's just 'hurr hurr look at this loser'.
Then it's not worth it.
I'm asking you nicely,  just take them down.
All I am asking..is for you.
To take them down.
Please?

Please consider taking them down.
Ebaum's, Youtube, whatever.
I don't care, they're still reportable.
Do you think anyone is going to care about them anyway?
You're going to get reported anyway.
So just take them down.

I mean..think of it this way.
How would you like it?
If I stole something you worked hard on?
And claimed it was my own?
You wouldn't like that.
Eee-nope, not at all.

Please, take them down.
Nobody will miss them.
So please do the sensible thing.
And take them down, right now.

Today's magic word is..delete.
Remember it, it's important.
Just do it, man.
Just delete them.

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Monday, 9 November 2015

Babutant KWG

Description:
Babutant KWG is an overgrown Garbage Pail Kids inspired monster who is known for his bizarre behavior and attitude problems which are due to the fact that even though he's an adult monster,  he still acts childish and has problems accepting defeat of any kind and he doesn't like losing.

He serves as a warped and twisted CWC parody in terms of his behavior and the world he inhabits,  he is also inspired by Bobo and Lil Debul from the movie Nothing But Trouble as well as by Garbage Pail Kids,   he's a mostly unclean monster and doesn't bathe or shower, he prefers to use his own musk.

He's not outright evil,  but his childish nature makes him think that even those who are trying to help him are evil or are trying to hurt him,  he doesn't get along with humans and prefers to interact with fellow monsters.

Appearance:
As mentioned above,   Babutant looks like an overgrown Garbage Pail Kid wearing a red and white striped shirt,  blue jean shorts and a headband with what appear to be hedgehog or mouse ears,   he weighs about 240lbs if not heavier and has very oily skin with several pimples and warts on them,  in addition to this he has short brown hair and a very unclean look about him.   This is due to him not bathing or showering and preferring his own musk, he does have a much appealing form though in the form of a Sonic style anthro hedgehog but he uses that form for combat.

One thing you should know about him is that he always wears a medallion that has a creature that looks like a cross between a sonic styled hedgehog and an anthro pikachu on it,  which is the creature he often has a sidekick.

Personality:
He's not outright evil,   but his childish and stubborn nature makes it so he thinks that even those who are trying to help him are evil or are trying to hurt him,  he is very melodramatic and has a terrible temper,  he's also  incredibly immature and moronic at times.   He also hates losing and doesn't like it when people don't play along with his little games.

His bad attitude makes him very difficult to feel sorry for or to get along with due to how whiny and insistent he is,  he also tends to change the rules of each game every few seconds to constantly annoy whatever opponent he is up against.   It also makes it difficult to take him seriously as a legit threat because of stuff like this.  
Of course,  towards fellow monsters he is actually more accepting of their terms and conditions when it comes to playing and actually does play fair when playing against them, it's just against humans that his true nature shows itself and it's not pretty.

Powers:
He can control all forms of grime,  dirt and muck.  He can also create Pikachu or sonic inspired creatures out of slime or mud and have them act as golem types,  he can also turn himself into a Sonic styled hedgehog form with a toxic/poison motif which he uses as his more appealing form.  He can also travel to a multitude of different dimensions and convert them to match the homeworld he originates from,  which is a backwater town setting filled with dirt and grime and is inhabited by Garbage Pail Kid inspired mutants,   sonic inspired hedgehog-like creatures,  or grotesque mutant Pokemon.

It is also shown he can produce slime and has poison glands like certain types of frogs/toads have,   his slime can be used to not only entomb his opponents but also mutate them into either mutated Pokemon,  sonic inspired hedgehogs or Garbage Pailesque mutants.

Strategy:
When you first see him,  chances are he'll be in his Sonic inspired hedgehog form or he'll be hiding inside a garbage can of sorts.   The reason he's in his Sonic inspired hedgehog form is to appear more appealing than he actually is.   If anyone comes near the garbage can,  he'll pull them down into it and through a dimensional gateway that leads to his world.

As mentioned above,  his world is a grotesque,  grimy backwater town that is inhabited by several different types of mutated creatures including  Sonic inspired hedgehog mutants,  garbage pail-esque mutants,   mutated Pokemon,  and slime monsters.   Once they've arrived at his homeworld,  he'll get them to play games with him,  but he'll always tell them that there are certain rules he uses for these games and that if they don't follow said rules, he'll put them in his 'humiliation' field.

The humiliation field is where he humiliates them by covering them in dirt and makes them smell everything that it's in the town including the mutant inhabitants,  and if it gets particularly bad -  he makes them serve his pikachu-like monster friends as sidekicks or lackeys.  He'll also subject them to his slime treatments if they don't play along.

The thing is though about his games,  he'll often change the rules so it makes it very difficult for the players to keep up without messing up.   After they have 'completed' his games so to speak,  he'll weaken them with his poison gland and then use his slime to entomb them in a slime or mud mold that is shaped like a garbage can,  a  Pokemon or a Sonic-esque hedgehog creature.   He'll then pour slime down into said mold and leave the player inside the slime/mud  mold for a few hours....within the course of hours,  the slime/mud mold sets like Plaster Paris and the player is slowly turned into either a mutated hedgehog creature,  a grotesque Garbage Pail-esque mutant,  or a mutated Pokemon of some kind.

Those very special ones will get made into a mutated hedgehog/anthro Pikachu hybrid like his own sidekick and will have a slime/toxin theme,  design and motif,   these ones serve as mutant companions who will aid him in making the world as disgusting as possible.

Weaknesses:
His childish and stubborn nature makes it so he thinks that even those who are trying to help him are evil or are trying to hurt him,  he is very melodramatic and has a terrible temper,  he's also  incredibly immature and moronic at times.   He also hates losing and
doesn't like it when people don't play along with his little games.

In addition to this his bad attitude makes him very difficult to feel sorry for or to get along with due to how whiny and insistent he is,  he also tends to change the rules of each game every few seconds to constantly annoy whatever opponent he is up against.   It also makes it difficult to take him seriously as a legit threat because of stuff like this.  

He is known for his bizarre behavior and attitude problems which are due to the fact that even though he's an adult monster,  he still acts childish and has problems accepting defeat of any kind and he doesn't like losing.  Often changing the rules and obstacles of each game he sets up just to make sure he doesn't lose.
Being a grime-based monster,  water based attacks are all what is needed to weaken him and keep him at bay,  also...his poisonous gland has no effect on cybernetic beings,  demi-gods, demon types,  and types that are immune to poison.  Most water attacks used against him are elemental.

Enough splashes of said water based attacks slow him down and make him slowly but surely melt in varying ways,  but a strong enough tidal wave of a water attack is good enough to not only slow him down but also weaken him to the point that the melting increases...which is what leads to his defeat,  once hit by a tidal wave level water attack the melting process will increase even more and he'll slowly but surely melt away until he is nothing but a puddle of mud/slime with a hedgehog headband sticking out.
If he's not defeated,  he just retreats back to his garbage can and stays there for a while - maybe waiting for someone else to come near it and to see if they're foolish enough to try and open it up.