Saturday, 13 September 2014

The Prophecy review

Greetings once again humans,   Walkens and fellow creatures of the night.   I am Chris the alpha Walken and welcome back to the Hallo-Walken installment of the Walken-A-Thon, and you're in for a treat.
I know I already covered The Prophecy trilogy before but I am going to review it again because it's just that good.    There is no doubt about it that the 90's was the era of the Walken we know and love,   the Hypnotic and Quasi-Vampiric Walken.    It started with a little  movie called The Comfort Of Strangers in which Walken played a truly creepy demented and vampiric role.

Little did we know that in 1995,  a little vampire movie called The Addiction came out and Walken played a vampire in it.   He will also be playing a bloodsucker in the movie Fangs Of War,   I hear he might be playing Dracula.  Ooooh.  It looks like  Bela Lugosi,  Max Schreck,  Frank Langella,  Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman have some competition coming their way!  

Walken later found himself sporting sharpened teeth to play the badass Hessian Horseman in Tim Burton's masterpiece Sleepy Hollow.    He just has a natural gift when it comes to playing bloodthirsty or hypnotic quasi-vampiric types.

As I mentioned,   this movie is part of a trilogy -  and I say trilogy because Walken was not in the prequels that came out after the main three.    Walken plays what I think is his best role yet next to  the Hessian Horseman,   Max Shreck,  Max Zorrin,   Feng from Balls Of Fury,  Morty,   Wilbur Turnblad,  Bobby Kahn,   Johnny Smith,  Calvin Webber and Frank White.

That role of course is Archangel Gabriel.   A particular dark and badass archangel who is angry at the Almighty One for favoring humans or 'talking monkeys'  over angels and is looking to lead the war against Heaven.

Can't say that I blame him really,  as a Walken -  I find humans to be such bizarre creatures -  like for example they tend to be very hypocritical.   I am not allowed to kill a single one of them when i'm in my Hessian state but those humans get away with killing other humans and also animals?   That is just sickening.   At least I only kill to feed and keep my bloodlust at bay.    It's a natural thing,   I mean I do have Hessian blood in me.    Humans fear Walkens,  that isn't right,   humans should love Walkens.

I have already gone over the plot of this movie and its sequels but I am going to tell you of a scene that really affected me.    The scene where Thomas is in the church and he sees Gabriel,  the shot of Gabriel's eye is just soooo...hypnotic.    The first time I saw it,  I couldn't help but fall into a blissful trance-like state.  

It's so hypnotic in fact that on one dvd site I saw there was a review with screencaptures and one was of Gabriel's eyes -  the caption said "Stare for more than a minute and you turn into Walken at 55:07".     That sounds delightful.   I want to test that on all the humans that come by my lair.
I say it certainly worked on me.   I look and feel so Walkeny,  as a good Walken should, after all being a Walken is so wonderful.    I wish everyone could be as Walkeny as me.  

You can never have enough Walkens,  that's what I say.  That's why I convert them into Walkens using also build my army.    Wouldn't being a Walken just be so wonderful?  Imagine being hypnotized,  bitten or scratched by a Walken/She-Hessian and giving in as all those wonderful Walkeny feelings take over.

All of those Walkens,   Hessians and She-Hessians growling as they pine for the love and attention of their beloved master.   Doesn't that sound like pure Walkeny bliss?  I think so too.

I loved all three of the Prophecy movies because I feel these were the best examples of both Bloodthirsty Walken and Hypnotic and Quasi-Vampiric Walken ever.   I love Walken in this movie.   I give The Prophecy trilogy especially parts 1 and 2 two Walkenized thumbs up.

If give it a ten out of ten rating and a high reccomendation,  check it out if you haven't already,   even if you're not a Walken fan -  you'll be changing your mind after seeing this movie.     I am Chris the alpha Walken and if you think i'm done here,  you're wrong - because the Walken-A-Thon still goes on.

Friday, 12 September 2014

List Of Walken Reviews

1. Balls of Fury.
2. Stepford Wives.
3. Sleepy Hollow.
4. Click.
5. Hairspray.
6. The Prophecy.
7. The Prophecy II.
8. The Prophecy III.
9. Seven Psychopaths.
10. The Country Bears.
11. The Dead Zone.
12. Batman Returns.
13. Communion.
14. The Deer Hunter
15. Romance and Cigarrettes.
16. Envy.
17. Man of the Year.
18. Undertaking Betty.
19. Mousehunt.
20. Antz.
21. Ripper.
22. Wayne's World 2.
23. A-Z of Walken.
24. SNL: Best of Christopher Walken.
25. Trance/Eternal.
26. A Late Quartet.
27. The Power Of Few.
28. The Addiction.
 30. The Rundown.
31. Kangaroo Jack.
32. Joe Dirt.
33. The Wild Side.
34. A View To A Kill.
35. Life's A Beach/Jungle Juice.
36. Around The Bend.
37. Five Dollars A Day.
38. King Of New York.
39. Brainstorm.
 39. Comfort Of Strangers.
40. Blast From The Past.
41. Excess Baggage.
42.  Mind Snatchers.
43. Stand Up Guys.
44. Search And Destroy.

Team Vamp

It looks like Russell is slipping a bit because I slept like a baby last night,   dreams weren't too far out of the ordinary and i'm still me.  Phew.   Chris the Alpha Walken will not allow Russell to have his way with me,   after all -  Chris is a proud member of the vampire team.   Or should that be..Team Walken?






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An American Werewolf In London review

American Werewolf In London review
By Monstermaster13
Welcome back to Monstermaster13's Halloween Spooktacular Countdown,  now for today's installment we will be looking at a personal favorite movie of mine.    Before we start,  i'd like to mention that I am a huge fan of werecreatures and shapeshifters in general thanks to Big Wolf On Campus,  the 1980's classic Teen Wolf and of course the subject of tonight's review.

Released in 1981,  this classic horror/comedy is directed by John Landis who also directed Animal House,  Kentucky  Fried Movie,   Blues Brothers,   Three Amigos,  Shlock,  and Oscar and is probably the first movie to have a four legged werewolf instead of the two-legged traditional Lon Chaney Jr styled werewolf.

An American Werewolf In London is a project that Landis had been wanting to be do since he was a teenager and is also partially inspired by an amusing story of an event that happened on the set of Kelly's Heroes regarding a gypsy burial.  

It stars David Naughton,  who at the time was known for being in Dr Pepper commercials -  and Griffin Dunne as a pair of back-packing American tourists who on their home from a pub in England are attacked by a wolf-like creature on the moors.     Jack (Dunne's character)  gets killed off but David (Naughton's character) survives only to contract lycanthropy.

As a result he starts having strange dreams like one where he is attacking a deer and his eyes are all yellow and wolf-like and his teeth are like fangs,   and a dream within a dream involving nazi-werewolves.    I'm not making that up.  

On top of that,  his best friend Jack keeps visiting him from beyond the grave,  and each time he does he keeps getting worse and worse.    I love the humorous dialogue between him and David in the hospital scene,    I especially crack up at the line "Have you ever talked to a corpse?  It's boring!".

Of course the biggest highlight in the movie is the makeup and sfx,  which I believe introduced the Best Makeup category at the Oscars that year.    Rick Baker,   who did the makeup designs for this movie would later win the same award for his work in Ed Wood,   Nutty Professor,  Men In Black,   How The Grinch Stole Christmas and  The Wolfman remake.    Of course he is no stranger when it comes to werewolf movie makeup considering he did the werewolf makeup for Jack Nicholson in Wolf (1994).     

Landis wanted Rick Baker to do the makeup from the start but Baker was commited to another extremely well-known werewolf movie 'The Howling' but he left to do this movie,  leaving Rob Botin in charge of the makeup and transformations for The Howling.  

Speaking of TF scenes,  American Werewolf In London doesn't disapoint with its infamous sequence of David Kessler turning into a werewolf.   It still holds up even today and it is remarkable how it was all accomplished with practial effects.  It has been homaged and spoofed numerous times including in the movie Curse Off The Queerwolf (yes, that is a real movie) and in the Wallace And Gromit movie.  Even John Landis's son Max recently did a reinactment of it on Youtube for his dad's birthday.

It's no wonder Michael Jackson was a huge fan of this movie and wanted John Landis to direct the Thriller music video,   to which Landis did.  

In fact the noise Michael makes when he's turning into a werecat is the same as the noise David Naughton made while turning into a werewolf.   I gotta hand it to John Landis...he did a terrific job.  

The transformation sequence itself is very well done and extremely painful for poor David as he goes from being two legged to four-legged.   I love the part where we see the beginnings of fur growing on his back and the stretching hands and feet are also cool as well.

The iconic transformation scene is one of the most well known scenes in horror movies and for all the right reasons.   Another piece of trivia I should bring up about the movie is that one of the pub patrons at the Slaughtered Lamb is played by the now late Rik Mayall.

The soundtrack consists of songs with the word moon in the title,   Werewolves Of London -despite being about werewolves was not on the soundtrack because it did not go with the moon theming of the other songs.

One John Landis running gag you'll see in this movie besides the Ask For Babs bit after the end credits is the mention of a movie titled 'See You Next Wednesday', which may or not may be a real movie.  In this movie it's a porno,  in Thriller it's a horror film.

Do I recommend watching this flick?    Hell yeah!  Especially if you love werewolf movies,  transformations in horror,   or if you just are fond of werecreatures in general.   Also check the BBC radio drama version out as well.  The less said about the in-name-only sequel An American Werewolf In Paris the better.    

All in all,  you must check out - American Werewolf In London. It's a HOOOOOWLingly good film!  Of course it's not for the faint-hearted.  Rumor has it that there is a remake of it in the works by the same company that brought us the weresheep film Black Sheep.  But nothing new has been mentioned as of yet.

Nathan!  Nathan!

What is it,   Nash?

Dude,   I think something attacked you last night.

Nash...why do you look like a zombie?

I got attacked as well and I died.   I think what attacked us last night definitely wasn't human,  it must have been some kind of animal.   Like a civet or something,   or rather...I wish it was.

Look,   I don't have time for this -  okay?   I've got a review to finish.

Nathan,   you're hurting my feelings.

Hurting YOUR feelings?   Has it ever occured to you that it might be unsettling to see you rise from the dead to visit me while i'm in the middle of about to ending a review?

Nash:'s a full moon tonight.   Do you know what means?

Yeah,  yeah -   I know.    I'm going to turn into a vicious,  wild,  hairy,  snarling hairy beast - I know how it goes alright?  

That's right and you must take your own life before you take the lives of others,   beware the moon Nathan!

Ugh...I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!

Beware the moon,  Nathan.  *vanishes*

Beware the moon,   yeah -   whatever.   Like i'm going to turn into a beast anyway,  oooh.   I'm just going to sit down with a nice book and finish my review.    So that was my review of An American Werewolf In London... how much do I rate this movie?   I give it two monstrous clawed thumbs up and a high reccomendation.

I'm Monstermaster13 and now if you excuse me...i'm going to settle down with a good book. *picks up the book Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grimm*,    Ah -   Red Riding Hood,  a true classic.   *sits down and reads it*

*A few hours later*

Aaaaagh!  OH GOD!  OH GOD!  OH GOD!  I'M BURNING UP!  AAAAAHHHH!  *he shouts in agony as he gets out of his chair,   he rips his shirt off as pain jolts through his body*  AAAAAAH! OH GO!  IT HURTS SO MUCH...AAAAGH! *he groans in pain and then panics as we see his hand stretching slightly,  black leathery material creeps up both hands as we see the material become black leather gloves,   two cuffs of black fur poking out from them as his fingernails sharpen and become like claws*

OH GOD....WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?  AAAAH!  *he screams slightly as he falls onto all fours,  we see his feet crunching and contorting as the black leather material forms on them, making a pair of black leather boots appear with openings for his clawed toenails,   his back arches slightly as his frame becomes leaner and more lithe,    body hair increasing as it turns from brown to black,  with black fur on his back and chest*  AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!  OH GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEE?   *he falls onto his back as the black leathery material creeps up,   forming into a black leathery outfit as he grows to 6'ft*  AAAAAAAH!  SOMEONE PLEASE HEEEEEEELP ME!   *we zoom over to a TY Beanie buddy horse for some reason*

Aaaaaaahhhh!  No!  NOOOOO!  AAAGH.  OH GOD,  PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!  PLEEEEEEEEASE!  *He feels his hair stretching,  growing longer and messier as it turns black,   developing a messy back combed style,   his ears also stretch and become slightly pointed,  his eyebrows thicken and turn black ,  arching slightly as his eyes turn yellow and become lupine,    scruffy slightly visible black facial hair grows on his face as his nose turns black*....AAAAAAGH! I'M SORRRRY,  I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL YOU A MEATLOAF,  NASH!* his teeth lengthen and sharpen as his features morph and reshapen in a manner mirroring David's face pushing out into a muzzle in the movie, he cries and pants slightly as his voice alters slightly,  developing a familiar sounding Essex orientated British accent,   he lets out a piercing scream as his transformation completes*  AAAH!  IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!  I've turned into Russell Brand again! *screams,  then mimics the werewolf howl from the movie -  before he goes off to hunt*

(The song Bad Moon Rising plays over the end credits as a montage of werewolf movies plays, including The Howling and American Werewolf In London)

Transylvania 6-5000 Review

Transylvania 6-5000 Review

Hello everyone and welcome to another special installment of Monstermaster13’s reviews,  i’m Monstermaster13 from the time when zombies weren’t used as love-interests in teen monster movies. Guess what?   It’s September!  And do you know what that means?  

That is right my dear children of the’s time for the Monstermaster13 Halloween Spooktacular countdown.    All through September and October,   I will be highlighting horror movies,  horror comedies and anything horror related in general.  So be prepared for lots of screams,  scream queens,  monsters,  and all things that dare to go bump in the night!  Buwahaha! *lightning and thunder is heard*

And what could be a better movie to kick it all off,  than the underrated comedy classic Transylvania 6-5000.    No,  this has nothing to do with the Bugs Bunny short of the same name apart from the title.

Released on November 8th, 1985 -  this film is directed by Rudy De Luca who also wrote the scripts for several of Mel Brook’s movies.    I first heard of this movie thanks to James Rolfe when he reviewed it for Cinemassacre’s Monster Madness Camp Cult back in October 2010, and you know how much I love James Rolfe’s work.

The title of this movie is a clever pun on the song Pennsylvania 6-5000,  and speaking of has a very catchy theme tune that is very hard to find,  almost as hard to find as the soundtrack to the Jay Leno/Pat Morita  buddy cop movie Collision Course (Leno himself personally regrets being in that movie though,  even though I liked it).  

This movie stars Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr as a pair of reporters who get instructed by their boss to go to Transylvania to get a story about the monster simply known as Frankenstein, of course they can’t believe their ears when they hear this.    I like how they play around with the classic horror cliches,   like how people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster (it’s the name of the scientist who made him NOT the creation itself) among others.  

Including the bit with the mad scientist where someone asks him if he needs lightning to bring his creation to life and he responds with: “Lightning? I HATE LIGHTNING! I  HATE IT! I work with all this other shit!”.    

Once the two reporters go to Transylvania,  they go to a tavern and inquire about Frankenstein, which causes a rather hilarious reaction.  

How do the townspeople react?  Weell...the townspeople all laugh at them like it’s one big joke -  yep,  they find it hilarious -  heck,  even the town’s mayor played by Jeffrey Jones who later played Charles Deitz in Beetlejuice  (1988)  thinks they are joking.    He then mentions several other monsters including Dracula,  The Blob,  Creature From The Black Lagoon,  and Godzilla,  yes -  they know how silly it is.

What I think makes it unique is that this movie is self-aware and that is what I love about comedies like these,  especially horror comedies.  You just gotta love a movie that makes fun of itself like that!

But of course no monster comedy would be complete without the monsters,  we have ourselves a ‘Frankie/Adam’ type monster,   a mummy,  a werewolf,  a contortionist bent into a pretzel shape,   two hunchbacked servants,  a mad scientist (of course),   and a sultry vampiress played by Geena Davis.   And oh booy,  is she a hottie!  I think it’s to do with that costume, it’s very Vintage Vampire meets Elvira!  

Interestingly enough,  it is around this time that Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis were a couple,   having also appeared in Earth Girls Are Easy and one year later The Fly directed by David Cronenberg.

Oh...and remember when my furry friend the Werebelushi reviewed UHF and pointed out that Stanley was played by Michael Richards before he was Kramer on Seinfeld?  Well...Michael Richards is also in this movie as well.   He plays the butler Fejos who is always being random and wacky and doing all kinds of hilarious pranks and jokes.

And well...he cracks me up in this movie!  He’s just so silly.   I love all the jokes he pulls and I love his funny accent.  *imitating Fejo’s accent* Ah,  is good...yeah?  Is funny!   Trust me,  if you loved him in UHF and Seinfeld,  you’ll love him here.

This movie is underrated and definitely worth watching if you like monster movies or comedies with supernatural themes in them.  I especially like how the monsters technically aren’t monsters,  they’re just people with various different conditions.  

As of right now,  the whole movie is available to watch on Youtube,   just type in Transylvania 6-5000.   You can also if you prefer get this on a dvd giftset with another great horror comedy Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark.

I heavily reccomend this movie if you are looking for a laugh this halloween along with Young Frankenstein and Dracula: Dead And Loving It.  I give it ten out of ten give it two monstrous clawed thumbs up.

Stay tuned for more spooktacular halloween reviews with me,  your monstrous host -  Monstermaster13.   Because we are only getting started.  Buwahaha!  Hit it! *the theme from Transylvania 6-5000 plays as a montage of monster movies is shown*

Thursday, 11 September 2014

The Beast

Last night in my sleep I was haunted by a creature so horrifying it made me scream like a banshee,  this beast hailed from Essex and had a British accent,   was 6'ft tall and was all hairy and monstrous,   he looked like a werewolf from the belly of Hades and he got me,   he turned me into him.   Who was the monster,  you ask?

It was....Russell Brand.  *the sound of horrified screams is heard*

Spooktacular September

It's September...and you know what that means?  Only one month to October...and you know what that means?  Halloween!  Which also holds two other significant events,   one being the birthday of my favorite comedian ever John Candy,  and the second being the anniversary of how me and WarriorsRPGMembah  first became friends on Deviantart.   

Plus,  i've got tons of halloween movie reviews to work on and several horror stories to do as well.   So without further adu,  it's showtime.