Monday, 22 September 2014

Walken Assimilation

Walken Assimilation
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Disclaimer:
This story is entirely fictional and is based on a comment on a forum thread,  if you think it is real you are seriously mental.   It is a play on words of the Borg assimilation process from Star Trek: TNG.  It has a hypnosis scene,  a human to Walken tf scene,  and  dark scenes in it which may upset sensitive readers.

Walkens featured in this story:
Christopher Walken himself.
Morty (Click)
Archangel Gabriel (Prophecy trilogy)
Frank White (King Of New York)
Vanni Corso.  (A Business Affair)
Kim Ulander. (Search And Destroy)
J-Man. (Envy).
Tom. (Pennies From Heaven)
Max Zorin. (A View To A Kill)
Hessian Horseman. (Sleepy Hollow)
Reed Thimple. (Country Bears)
Frank Abagnale Sr (Catch Me If You Can)
Paul Rayburn.  (Man On Fire)
Wilbur Turnblad.  (Hairspray)
Gyp DeCarlo.  (Jersey Boys)
Bobby Mcbain.  (Mcbain.)
Bobby Kahn. (Wayne’s World 2)
Robert (The Comfort Of Strangers).
Feng. (Balls Of Fury)
Cousin Bo (Romance And Cigarettes.)
Vincenzo Coccotti.  (True Romance.)
Uncle Bill Ferriter.  (Trance/The Eternal/Kiss Of The Mummy)
Hans. (Seven Psychopaths)
Max Shreck. (Batman Returns)
Mike Wellington. (The Stepford Wives.)
Calvin Webber.  (Blast From The Past)
Secretary William Cleary.  (Wedding Crashers)
Nikanor Chevotarevich  (The Deer Hunter)
Detective Vince Magnotta. (Ripper.)
Clem Doyle/Anthony Benedetti/Gert Froeb. (Joe Dirt)
Bruce Dickinson. (SNL)
Umberto Bevalaqua.  (Illuminata)
Caesar.  (Mousehunt)
Johnny Smith. (The Dead Zone).
Cornelius Hatcher.  (The Rundown).


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This may seem crazy but what if I told you that there was more than one Christopher Walken and that Walken is everywhere?  You would probably think i’m crazy,  right?  Well prepare for a big surprise.    As i’m about to tell you a story which will make you think twice.

It seemed like an ordinary night in my neighbourhood,   there were no monsters or villains out tonight and everything was going pretty well.   That was before I heard a series of multiple knocks at the door,   I wondered who on earth could it be.  

“Hopefully they have a good reason for this,  because I was just in the middle of chatting to my friends.”

I rushed over to the door,  hoping they would have a good reason for interfering with my busy OL schedule.  And what I saw when I answered the door surprised me,   it was Christopher Walken wearing blood red shades,  and there were several other Walkens as well - all of them were characters he had played including the Hessian.    I could not believe my eyes,  all of these Walkens had somehow appeared over the past few nights without any explanation whatsoever.

“Ah,  this will be a perfect place to convert…”

“Convert,  into what?”

“Why a Walken’s den of course.”

“But why?  Christopher,  would you mind explaining what’s going on?”

“You’ll find out soon enough...come my Walkens.”

The Walkens hissed and snarled in unison as they made their way into my apartment,  they first started removing everything from my kitchen before heading over to my lab,  I tried to stop them but it seemed they were much more powerful than I thought.   I ran over to my lab and put it on lockdown to make sure they wouldn’t get in.

“Chris...this is weirding me out,  what’s going on?”

“Allow me to explain.  You see those Walkens there?”

“Yes.”

“They are all humans.”

“But they’re not...they’re Walken...I mean,  they’re you!”

“Well yes, they WERE humans.  Until I got my hands on them.”

“What did you do to them?”

“I hypnotized them,  infected them and turned them all into what they are now..”

“Have you always been able to do that?”

“Why yes..”

“So why have you decided to come after me?”

“Because YOU...are next.”

“But I...I’m human..”

“You won’t be human for long…”

“You mean?”

“Yes….we’re going to make you a ‘Walken’ too.”

“But I like what am I at the moment.”

I tried to make a mad dash for it and to escape them but Walken himself caught me and picked me up with inhuman strength.  I gulped slightly,  knowing that what was about to happen wasn’t going to be good.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah...and can you please let me go?”

“I have a better idea...how about you look in my eyes instead?”

Walken’s eyes gave off a supernatural glow as he held me by the neck,  I tried to break free of his grip but like I mentioned he was inhumanly strong.   I found myself unable to break free as I gazed into his eyes,  my mind was slowly but surely blanking out,  as I fell into a trance-like state.

“Yes...master…”

“That’s better.”

“I feel so strange,  yet so relaxed.”

“That’s because of my hypnotic powers.”

“Master,  your powers are amazing.”

“Tell me,  how do you feel about humans now?”

“Humans are so funny,  master.”

“Indeed so.”

“They are afraid of us,  but yet they love us oh so much.”

“Yes they are,  but you won’t be one of them for long.”

“You mean...i’m…”

“That’s right.”

Walken put me down and then gestured to the other Walkens,   the other Walkens gathered around in response to their master.   He perched over me in an angel-like fashion as I fell deeper and deeper into the trance.   The effects of the trance increased as my mostly human thoughts slowly began fading away,  replaced with thoughts of serving him.  In the process, I started to drift off,   as my dreams became hypnotic and filled to the brim with Walken-like thoughts.

I dreamed of being just like Walken himself and of being a perfectly loyal Walken,  ever so devoted to my master and all so happy,  blissful and Walkeny.   Of being free of my hum-drum human life and joining the other Walkens as his voice echoed in my mind.   I started to groan a little in my sleep,  muttering Walken’s lines to myself in between several low growls.

Walken’s voice echoed in my mind as the dreams continued,  hypnotically intoning me and enticing me,  triggering the change from human into Walken.   As strange as the changes were,  they felt so good that it just seemed right to give into them.   Becoming less and less human and more like Walken.   As the dreams ended with me in my Walkenized state letting out a fierce Walken-like roar,   I awoke to hear a growling sound coming from my stomach,  I was beginning to feel so thirsty.  

My appetite was shifting,  human food and drink were no longer succificable,  only blood would do.   I wanted blood and lots of it,  why just thinking about it was enough to make me pant.

Walken gave me a bottle containing freshly slain human blood,  I licked my lips as he presented it to me.   I couldn’t wait to drink it all up,  so I asked nicely if I could have them some,  after he said yes -  I began to gently suckle on the bottle like a baby or toddler drinking milk from a baby bottle.  

“Mmmm...this is delicious blood,  master..”

“I’m glad you think it is delicious,  because you’ll be drinking this from now on.”

“Master?”

“As I mentioned before,  you are next...to become a ‘Walken’ that is.”

“Oooh! I’ve always wanted to be a Walken,  they are so beautiful.”

“And you shall be beautiful too.”

“How?”

“Let me bite you..”

“I will let you bite me,  master…”

He slinked up to me as his teeth lengthened and sharpened,  he reached for the neap of my neck and gently sank his teeth into a bit of skin on it,  as bits of blood dripped off,  he lapped them up with fervor.

“Now...how did that feel?”

“Oh,  master that felt so...so….rrrr.”

“Nice?”

I nodded before covering my mouth out of embarrassment,  after all -  I did just growl.  Having heard my growl,  he turned to me and chuckled.  I blushed a little,   still feeling a little bit embarrassed about growling in his presence.

“Yes.”

“What’s wrong,  why are you so embarrassed?”

“I think I may have gotten a bit too carried away.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I growled…”

“Growling is natural for a Walken,  you shouldn’t be ashamed.”

“I shouldn’t?”

“Your Walkeny instincts and traits are already developing after all.”

“Is that why I am starting to think like...a...Walken?”

“Yes,  my bite enhances the effects of the hypnotic process.”

“It’s so soothing,  master...all I want to do is serve you.”

“Your human thoughts are already being drained out and being replaced with Walken-like thoughts.”

“Oooh..”

“Soon,  all you will be thinking of will be music,  dancing,  cowbell,  blood and being a good obedient Walken.”

“Is this natural too?”

“Yes...it’s all part of your transformation.”

“Does it hurt?”

“There is no pain with human to Walken transformations,  only bliss.”

“Pure...Walkeny bliss?”

“Yes...it feels good to submit..and give in.”

Walken was right,  with the developing Walkeny instincts and traits taking over -  it just felt natural for me to relax and give in to the beautiful process of Walkenization.  My thoughts becoming even more Walkeny as I began to think of singing,  dancing,  acting,  and being ever so loyal to him.   In the process,  I was now completely forgetting that I ever thought bad things about the whole ordeal.  

My interests also shifted - focusing less on science and more on singing, dancing,  acting, hunting and all kinds of delightfully Walkeny things.  The whole mental half of the process was  making me feel oh so happy and blissfully entranced.

I just wanted to give in to the Walken-like urges and feelings,  it just seemed natural to do so -  after all,  resistance was most un-walkeny.   And I wanted to please him by being the best Walken ever.

I couldn’t wait to join the other Walkens and be oh so Walkeny with them,   the gift of Walken was just too good to keep to myself.   I knew that I was going to make an excellent Walken and that it would give me ever so much pleasure.

“Mmmm...yes,  it feels marvelous..rrrrr…”

“That’s it,  growl...give in… let your Walkenizing instincts take hold.”

“Aaaawr...mmm...yes,  rrrr…”

“Doesn’t it feel good?”

“Aaaawrrr….yeeeessss..”

“You’re such a good obedient Walken.. aren’t you?”

“Yes, master…”

“Of course you are, and I am your master.”

“Yes...you are…”

“You love to obey and serve me,  don’t you?”

“Of course I do,  master.”


“You feel so much happier when you are like this…”


“Aaaawrrr...yes,  so happy,  blissful...Walkeny!”

“That’s a good Walken.”

“Mmm...rr…”

I growled slightly in pleasure as the Walkeny instincts continued to take hold,  I was begging  to be fed blood played by my beloved master,  to hear the harmonious sound of cowbell, to be conditioned and transformed into being a perfectly Walkeny Walken.   I felt so at peace,  relaxed and calm that it felt just right to accept the process.

Speaking of the process,  the physical half of the transformation was about to begin with as the other Walkens circled around me.  My Walkeny brethren,  all waiting in baited breath for me to join them.

“My Walkens will help you shed your human form and become one of us..”

“Aaaawrrr...yes! I want to be transformed so badly.”

“And you shall…”

One of the Walkens,  which was Morty, -   reached for my hand and gently massaged it,  which slowly caused it to shift.   Skin imperfections were slowly but surely fading away as my arms were elongating,  growing longer and thinner and shifting to resemble Walken’s arms.    A pale skintone crept up my arms as well as my torso,  stomach,  shoulders and back as they also became more lithe.   My hands shifted until they resembled Walken’s, as my fingers grew longer,  my knuckles becoming more sharply pronounced.

My shirt was getting tight and it was straining to hold on until it ripped apart,  only to reform into an elegant dress shirt that matched my more slender upperbody,  yet I didn’t mind - because I didn’t need clothing like that,  all Walkens need in terms of clothing is black and silver with a Hessian styled motif.

Arching my much more slender back,  I growled a few more times -  gesturing the next Walken,  Archangel Gabriel from the Prophecy to come closer.  He touched my legs with his angel’s touch  and I felt them stretch and elongate,  becoming longer as the pale skintone crept up them.  

My jeans peeled apart in a matter of seconds before reforming into a pair of slim, long, elegant black dress pants to go with my new shirt -  my slipper socks hardening and reforming into a pair of fine black dress shoes.   I now was very much like Walken in terms of my build around my upperbody and lowerbody,  so lithe,  elegant and beautiful.

I examined my new build, and was deeply enamored by it - my entire body was now covered in Walken’s signature ghostly pale skintone,  I moaned slightly but it sounded like another growl,  by now I had accepted that growling was natural and wasn’t ashamed of it.

Two more Walkens,   Frank White and Vanni Corso massaged my much leaner back,  making me grow taller until I was about the same height as Walken which was about 6’ft.  I growled happily as the Walken-like instincts began taking over full circle.

I developed the urge to dance,  which was triggered by the playing of the song Weapon Of Choice -   as my legs and feet started moving in time to the beat,  rhythm and words of the song.   Naturally I started to get up and dance,   and it felt all so good to dance and be so blissfully Walkeny,   I  had found I had become much agile and my dance skills were now greatly improved,  to be just like Walken’s.   The other Walkens started dancing as well including Wilbur Turnblad,  Tom, J-Man,  Max Zorin,  and Feng -  all mimicking Walken’s moves from the music video.

Max Shreck and Cousin Bo ran their fingers through my hair,  making it prickle up and turn sandy brown almost blonde with the texture and style of Walken’s own hair.   I was really enjoying the process  which was pleasing Walken very much.

The next group of Walkens lead by Vincenzo Coccotti and  Kim Ulander followed by  Bobby Kahn, Johnny Smith, Caesar the Exterminator,    Mike Wellington,  Paul Rayburn,  Bobby McBain,  Nikanor Chevotarevich and Robert massaged my neck as my neckline elongated,  becoming longer and thinner until it resembled Walken’s own -  with the pale skintone creeping up it,   my senses heightening to inhuman levels.

Hans and Detective Vince Magnotta were next as they started cleaning up my face,  making the pale skintone form on it,  my eyebrows thinned out and turned the same colour as my hair. My next change came in the form of my eyes as I gazed into the Hessian Horseman’s aquamarine blue eyes,  my own eyes changing from hazel to an icy blue colour with dark green inner rings.

Gyp DeCarlo and Bruce Dickinson took turns massaging my forehead which helped bring in more Walkeny thoughts and instincts,  my forehead elevating itself higher up as my eyes became narrower,  spreading out and becoming slightly sunken.  Cornelius Hatcher reached for my nose, gently touching it as it altered in shape,  shrinking slightly until it morphed to resemble Walken’s own.

Umberto Bevalaqua touched my face,  causing my lips to thin out and slowly shift to be crescentian in shape,   with the tips becoming pointed just like  well...you know,  Walken.  

The Hessian Horseman snarled as he put his signature gloved hands around my chin,  causing my chin to narrow out  as my jaw-line became more angular,   my cheekbones were becoming sharply more pronounced as my cheeks became slightly sunken.  I growled in happiness as Clem Doyle/Anthony Benedetti/Gert Froebe patted me on the head as my head shape altered to be more drachy/mesoian,  in the process giving me a very haunting and striking resemblance to Walken.

But the work of the Walkens was not done yet,  Calvin Webber and Uncle Bill both massaged my throat,  making my voice deepen,  growing lower and gruffer,  gravelly but also very distinctive,  alluring and hypnotic -   developing Walken’s signature tone,  speech patterns,  mannerisms,  and New York accent.   My voice now was that of Walken himself.

With conditioning from Reed Thimple and Secretary William Cleary,  all of my recollections of ever being a ‘human’ disappeared as did the memories of what appeared before the Walken encounter,   I wasn’t Nathan anymore….my transformation was complete,  I had become one of them.

I was now a perfect Walkeny clone of Christopher Walken himself.


“Now you are one of us...now tell me,  what is your name?”

“Christopher,  but you can call me Chris.”

“Yes,  that is correct.”

“My name is Chris and I am a Walken.”

“That’s right, you are one of us now...a Walken.”

“I’m so beautiful and hypnotic.”

“How do you feel?”

“I feel so happy and at peace.”

“Do you have anything to say?”

“I am sorry for ever thinking that Walken and you guys were evil and for trying to escape from you -  after all,  I like the idea of humans turning into Walkens.”

“That is alright.  You didn’t know better back then,  but now you do.”

“I think we should all share our gift of Walkenity with the people of this realm and make them into Walkens too.”

“That’s a wonderful idea.”

“And maybe make a few She-Hessians too?”

“That’s a great idea as well.”

“Those humans are so silly and un-Walken-like,  but once we get to them.."

“Chris,  that’s good - tell those mean humans!”


Walken himself walked over to me,  he looked oh so proud of his Walkens and of me as well -  I growled with happiness as he welcomed me into his Walken convert.   Finally,  my Walken related dreams I had come true.   I was now a Walken,  just like them.

“Are you ready to help me hunt and Walkenize the humans of this realm?”

“Yes,  master…”

“Then let’s go,  come my Walkens -  the blood moon awaits us.”

“Raaaawr!”

And with that,  the whole apartment was converted into a gothic castle to be Walken’s new den for him and his Walken minions including myself.   He then instructed us to follow him to the city to hunt for humans,  and once we reached the city’s square we all followed his instructions and started our hunt.

In no time at all - I learned to hunt just like them.  I spent so much time hunting with the other Walkens that I became a natural in a matter of seconds,  later developing my Walken claws as my fingernails lengthened and sharpened and my Walkeny teeth as my canines extended to become akin to fangs while the rest of my teeth became pointed and Hessian-like.

As for what happened later,  more and more people were hypnotized,  bitten,  assimilated and turned into Walkens and She-Hessians to serve Christopher Walken.  After all,  there is nothing more fun than being a Walken.

Soon,  you will all see the beauty of becoming a Walken or She-Hessian for yourselves,  for you’re all next and you will join us.   Join us.  Resistance is futile,  you will be Walkenized and you will be a Walken or She-Hessian.

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Saturday, 13 September 2014

The Prophecy review

Chris:
Greetings once again humans,   Walkens and fellow creatures of the night.   I am Chris the alpha Walken and welcome back to the Hallo-Walken installment of the Walken-A-Thon, and you're in for a treat.
 
I know I already covered The Prophecy trilogy before but I am going to review it again because it's just that good.    There is no doubt about it that the 90's was the era of the Walken we know and love,   the Hypnotic and Quasi-Vampiric Walken.    It started with a little  movie called The Comfort Of Strangers in which Walken played a truly creepy demented and vampiric role.

Little did we know that in 1995,  a little vampire movie called The Addiction came out and Walken played a vampire in it.   He will also be playing a bloodsucker in the movie Fangs Of War,   I hear he might be playing Dracula.  Ooooh.  It looks like  Bela Lugosi,  Max Schreck,  Frank Langella,  Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman have some competition coming their way!  

Walken later found himself sporting sharpened teeth to play the badass Hessian Horseman in Tim Burton's masterpiece Sleepy Hollow.    He just has a natural gift when it comes to playing bloodthirsty or hypnotic quasi-vampiric types.

As I mentioned,   this movie is part of a trilogy -  and I say trilogy because Walken was not in the prequels that came out after the main three.    Walken plays what I think is his best role yet next to  the Hessian Horseman,   Max Shreck,  Max Zorrin,   Feng from Balls Of Fury,  Morty,   Wilbur Turnblad,  Bobby Kahn,   Johnny Smith,  Calvin Webber and Frank White.

That role of course is Archangel Gabriel.   A particular dark and badass archangel who is angry at the Almighty One for favoring humans or 'talking monkeys'  over angels and is looking to lead the war against Heaven.

Can't say that I blame him really,  as a Walken -  I find humans to be such bizarre creatures -  like for example they tend to be very hypocritical.   I am not allowed to kill a single one of them when i'm in my Hessian state but those humans get away with killing other humans and also animals?   That is just sickening.   At least I only kill to feed and keep my bloodlust at bay.    It's a natural thing,   I mean I do have Hessian blood in me.    Humans fear Walkens,  that isn't right,   humans should love Walkens.

I have already gone over the plot of this movie and its sequels but I am going to tell you of a scene that really affected me.    The scene where Thomas is in the church and he sees Gabriel,  the shot of Gabriel's eye is just soooo...hypnotic.    The first time I saw it,  I couldn't help but fall into a blissful trance-like state.  

It's so hypnotic in fact that on one dvd site I saw there was a review with screencaptures and one was of Gabriel's eyes -  the caption said "Stare for more than a minute and you turn into Walken at 55:07".     That sounds delightful.   I want to test that on all the humans that come by my lair.
   
I say it certainly worked on me.   I look and feel so Walkeny,  as a good Walken should, after all being a Walken is so wonderful.    I wish everyone could be as Walkeny as me.  

You can never have enough Walkens,  that's what I say.  That's why I convert them into Walkens using hypnosis...to also build my army.    Wouldn't being a Walken just be so wonderful?  Imagine being hypnotized,  bitten or scratched by a Walken/She-Hessian and giving in as all those wonderful Walkeny feelings take over.

All of those Walkens,   Hessians and She-Hessians growling as they pine for the love and attention of their beloved master.   Doesn't that sound like pure Walkeny bliss?  I think so too.

I loved all three of the Prophecy movies because I feel these were the best examples of both Bloodthirsty Walken and Hypnotic and Quasi-Vampiric Walken ever.   I love Walken in this movie.   I give The Prophecy trilogy especially parts 1 and 2 two Walkenized thumbs up.

If give it a ten out of ten rating and a high reccomendation,  check it out if you haven't already,   even if you're not a Walken fan -  you'll be changing your mind after seeing this movie.     I am Chris the alpha Walken and if you think i'm done here,  you're wrong - because the Walken-A-Thon still goes on.

Friday, 12 September 2014

List Of Walken Reviews

1. Balls of Fury.
2. Stepford Wives.
3. Sleepy Hollow.
4. Click.
5. Hairspray.
6. The Prophecy.
7. The Prophecy II.
8. The Prophecy III.
9. Seven Psychopaths.
10. The Country Bears.
11. The Dead Zone.
12. Batman Returns.
13. Communion.
14. The Deer Hunter
15. Romance and Cigarrettes.
16. Envy.
17. Man of the Year.
18. Undertaking Betty.
19. Mousehunt.
20. Antz.
21. Ripper.
22. Wayne's World 2.
23. A-Z of Walken.
24. SNL: Best of Christopher Walken.
25. Trance/Eternal.
26. A Late Quartet.
27. The Power Of Few.
28. The Addiction.
 30. The Rundown.
31. Kangaroo Jack.
32. Joe Dirt.
33. The Wild Side.
34. A View To A Kill.
35. Life's A Beach/Jungle Juice.
36. Around The Bend.
37. Five Dollars A Day.
38. King Of New York.
39. Brainstorm.
 39. Comfort Of Strangers.
40. Blast From The Past.
41. Excess Baggage.
42.  Mind Snatchers.
43. Stand Up Guys.
44. Search And Destroy.

Team Vamp

It looks like Russell is slipping a bit because I slept like a baby last night,   dreams weren't too far out of the ordinary and i'm still me.  Phew.   Chris the Alpha Walken will not allow Russell to have his way with me,   after all -  Chris is a proud member of the vampire team.   Or should that be..Team Walken?































 










 
 




 


 


 

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An American Werewolf In London review

American Werewolf In London review
By Monstermaster13
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Nathan:
Welcome back to Monstermaster13's Halloween Spooktacular Countdown,  now for today's installment we will be looking at a personal favorite movie of mine.    Before we start,  i'd like to mention that I am a huge fan of werecreatures and shapeshifters in general thanks to Big Wolf On Campus,  the 1980's classic Teen Wolf and of course the subject of tonight's review.

Released in 1981,  this classic horror/comedy is directed by John Landis who also directed Animal House,  Kentucky  Fried Movie,   Blues Brothers,   Three Amigos,  Shlock,  and Oscar and is probably the first movie to have a four legged werewolf instead of the two-legged traditional Lon Chaney Jr styled werewolf.

An American Werewolf In London is a project that Landis had been wanting to be do since he was a teenager and is also partially inspired by an amusing story of an event that happened on the set of Kelly's Heroes regarding a gypsy burial.  

It stars David Naughton,  who at the time was known for being in Dr Pepper commercials -  and Griffin Dunne as a pair of back-packing American tourists who on their home from a pub in England are attacked by a wolf-like creature on the moors.     Jack (Dunne's character)  gets killed off but David (Naughton's character) survives only to contract lycanthropy.

As a result he starts having strange dreams like one where he is attacking a deer and his eyes are all yellow and wolf-like and his teeth are like fangs,   and a dream within a dream involving nazi-werewolves.    I'm not making that up.  

On top of that,  his best friend Jack keeps visiting him from beyond the grave,  and each time he does he keeps getting worse and worse.    I love the humorous dialogue between him and David in the hospital scene,    I especially crack up at the line "Have you ever talked to a corpse?  It's boring!".

Of course the biggest highlight in the movie is the makeup and sfx,  which I believe introduced the Best Makeup category at the Oscars that year.    Rick Baker,   who did the makeup designs for this movie would later win the same award for his work in Ed Wood,   Nutty Professor,  Men In Black,   How The Grinch Stole Christmas and  The Wolfman remake.    Of course he is no stranger when it comes to werewolf movie makeup considering he did the werewolf makeup for Jack Nicholson in Wolf (1994).     

Landis wanted Rick Baker to do the makeup from the start but Baker was commited to another extremely well-known werewolf movie 'The Howling' but he left to do this movie,  leaving Rob Botin in charge of the makeup and transformations for The Howling.  

Speaking of TF scenes,  American Werewolf In London doesn't disapoint with its infamous sequence of David Kessler turning into a werewolf.   It still holds up even today and it is remarkable how it was all accomplished with practial effects.  It has been homaged and spoofed numerous times including in the movie Curse Off The Queerwolf (yes, that is a real movie) and in the Wallace And Gromit movie.  Even John Landis's son Max recently did a reinactment of it on Youtube for his dad's birthday.

It's no wonder Michael Jackson was a huge fan of this movie and wanted John Landis to direct the Thriller music video,   to which Landis did.  

In fact the noise Michael makes when he's turning into a werecat is the same as the noise David Naughton made while turning into a werewolf.   I gotta hand it to John Landis...he did a terrific job.  

The transformation sequence itself is very well done and extremely painful for poor David as he goes from being two legged to four-legged.   I love the part where we see the beginnings of fur growing on his back and the stretching hands and feet are also cool as well.

The iconic transformation scene is one of the most well known scenes in horror movies and for all the right reasons.   Another piece of trivia I should bring up about the movie is that one of the pub patrons at the Slaughtered Lamb is played by the now late Rik Mayall.

The soundtrack consists of songs with the word moon in the title,   Werewolves Of London -despite being about werewolves was not on the soundtrack because it did not go with the moon theming of the other songs.

One John Landis running gag you'll see in this movie besides the Ask For Babs bit after the end credits is the mention of a movie titled 'See You Next Wednesday', which may or not may be a real movie.  In this movie it's a porno,  in Thriller it's a horror film.

Do I recommend watching this flick?    Hell yeah!  Especially if you love werewolf movies,  transformations in horror,   or if you just are fond of werecreatures in general.   Also check the BBC radio drama version out as well.  The less said about the in-name-only sequel An American Werewolf In Paris the better.    

All in all,  you must check out - American Werewolf In London. It's a HOOOOOWLingly good film!  Of course it's not for the faint-hearted.  Rumor has it that there is a remake of it in the works by the same company that brought us the weresheep film Black Sheep.  But nothing new has been mentioned as of yet.

Nash:
Nathan!  Nathan!

Nathan:
What is it,   Nash?

Nash:
Dude,   I think something attacked you last night.

Nathan:
Nash...why do you look like a zombie?

Nash:
I got attacked as well and I died.   I think what attacked us last night definitely wasn't human,  it must have been some kind of animal.   Like a civet or something,   or rather...I wish it was.

Nathan:
Look,   I don't have time for this -  okay?   I've got a review to finish.

Nash:
Nathan,   you're hurting my feelings.

Nathan:
Hurting YOUR feelings?   Has it ever occured to you that it might be unsettling to see you rise from the dead to visit me while i'm in the middle of about to ending a review?

Nash:
Dude...it's a full moon tonight.   Do you know what means?

Nathan:
Yeah,  yeah -   I know.    I'm going to turn into a vicious,  wild,  hairy,  snarling hairy beast - I know how it goes alright?  

Nash:
That's right and you must take your own life before you take the lives of others,   beware the moon Nathan!

Nathan:
Ugh...I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!

Nash:
Beware the moon,  Nathan.  *vanishes*

Nathan:
Beware the moon,   yeah -   whatever.   Like i'm going to turn into a beast anyway,  oooh.   I'm just going to sit down with a nice book and finish my review.    So that was my review of An American Werewolf In London... how much do I rate this movie?   I give it two monstrous clawed thumbs up and a high reccomendation.

I'm Monstermaster13 and now if you excuse me...i'm going to settle down with a good book. *picks up the book Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grimm*,    Ah -   Red Riding Hood,  a true classic.   *sits down and reads it*

*A few hours later*

Aaaaagh!  OH GOD!  OH GOD!  OH GOD!  I'M BURNING UP!  AAAAAHHHH!  *he shouts in agony as he gets out of his chair,   he rips his shirt off as pain jolts through his body*  AAAAAAH! OH GO!  IT HURTS SO MUCH...AAAAGH! *he groans in pain and then panics as we see his hand stretching slightly,  black leathery material creeps up both hands as we see the material become black leather gloves,   two cuffs of black fur poking out from them as his fingernails sharpen and become like claws*

OH GOD....WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?  AAAAH!  *he screams slightly as he falls onto all fours,  we see his feet crunching and contorting as the black leather material forms on them, making a pair of black leather boots appear with openings for his clawed toenails,   his back arches slightly as his frame becomes leaner and more lithe,    body hair increasing as it turns from brown to black,  with black fur on his back and chest*  AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!  OH GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEE?   *he falls onto his back as the black leathery material creeps up,   forming into a black leathery outfit as he grows to 6'ft*  AAAAAAAH!  SOMEONE PLEASE HEEEEEEELP ME!   *we zoom over to a TY Beanie buddy horse for some reason*

Aaaaaaahhhh!  No!  NOOOOO!  AAAGH.  OH GOD,  PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!  PLEEEEEEEEASE!  *He feels his hair stretching,  growing longer and messier as it turns black,   developing a messy back combed style,   his ears also stretch and become slightly pointed,  his eyebrows thicken and turn black ,  arching slightly as his eyes turn yellow and become lupine,    scruffy slightly visible black facial hair grows on his face as his nose turns black*....AAAAAAGH! I'M SORRRRY,  I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL YOU A MEATLOAF,  NASH!* his teeth lengthen and sharpen as his features morph and reshapen in a manner mirroring David's face pushing out into a muzzle in the movie, he cries and pants slightly as his voice alters slightly,  developing a familiar sounding Essex orientated British accent,   he lets out a piercing scream as his transformation completes*  AAAH!  IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!  I've turned into Russell Brand again! *screams,  then mimics the werewolf howl from the movie -  before he goes off to hunt*

(The song Bad Moon Rising plays over the end credits as a montage of werewolf movies plays, including The Howling and American Werewolf In London)

Transylvania 6-5000 Review

Transylvania 6-5000 Review

-------------------------------
Nathan:
Hello everyone and welcome to another special installment of Monstermaster13’s reviews,  i’m Monstermaster13 from the time when zombies weren’t used as love-interests in teen monster movies. Guess what?   It’s September!  And do you know what that means?  

That is right my dear children of the night...it’s time for the Monstermaster13 Halloween Spooktacular countdown.    All through September and October,   I will be highlighting horror movies,  horror comedies and anything horror related in general.  So be prepared for lots of screams,  scream queens,  monsters,  and all things that dare to go bump in the night!  Buwahaha! *lightning and thunder is heard*

And what could be a better movie to kick it all off,  than the underrated comedy classic Transylvania 6-5000.    No,  this has nothing to do with the Bugs Bunny short of the same name apart from the title.

Released on November 8th, 1985 -  this film is directed by Rudy De Luca who also wrote the scripts for several of Mel Brook’s movies.    I first heard of this movie thanks to James Rolfe when he reviewed it for Cinemassacre’s Monster Madness Camp Cult back in October 2010, and you know how much I love James Rolfe’s work.

The title of this movie is a clever pun on the song Pennsylvania 6-5000,  and speaking of songs..it has a very catchy theme tune that is very hard to find,  almost as hard to find as the soundtrack to the Jay Leno/Pat Morita  buddy cop movie Collision Course (Leno himself personally regrets being in that movie though,  even though I liked it).  

This movie stars Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr as a pair of reporters who get instructed by their boss to go to Transylvania to get a story about the monster simply known as Frankenstein, of course they can’t believe their ears when they hear this.    I like how they play around with the classic horror cliches,   like how people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster (it’s the name of the scientist who made him NOT the creation itself) among others.  

Including the bit with the mad scientist where someone asks him if he needs lightning to bring his creation to life and he responds with: “Lightning? I HATE LIGHTNING! I  HATE IT! I work with all this other shit!”.    

Once the two reporters go to Transylvania,  they go to a tavern and inquire about Frankenstein, which causes a rather hilarious reaction.  

How do the townspeople react?  Weell...the townspeople all laugh at them like it’s one big joke -  yep,  they find it hilarious -  heck,  even the town’s mayor played by Jeffrey Jones who later played Charles Deitz in Beetlejuice  (1988)  thinks they are joking.    He then mentions several other monsters including Dracula,  The Blob,  Creature From The Black Lagoon,  and Godzilla,  yes -  they know how silly it is.

What I think makes it unique is that this movie is self-aware and that is what I love about comedies like these,  especially horror comedies.  You just gotta love a movie that makes fun of itself like that!

But of course no monster comedy would be complete without the monsters,  we have ourselves a ‘Frankie/Adam’ type monster,   a mummy,  a werewolf,  a contortionist bent into a pretzel shape,   two hunchbacked servants,  a mad scientist (of course),   and a sultry vampiress played by Geena Davis.   And oh booy,  is she a hottie!  I think it’s to do with that costume, it’s very Vintage Vampire meets Elvira!  

Interestingly enough,  it is around this time that Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis were a couple,   having also appeared in Earth Girls Are Easy and one year later The Fly directed by David Cronenberg.

Oh...and remember when my furry friend the Werebelushi reviewed UHF and pointed out that Stanley was played by Michael Richards before he was Kramer on Seinfeld?  Well...Michael Richards is also in this movie as well.   He plays the butler Fejos who is always being random and wacky and doing all kinds of hilarious pranks and jokes.

And well...he cracks me up in this movie!  He’s just so silly.   I love all the jokes he pulls and I love his funny accent.  *imitating Fejo’s accent* Ah,  is good...yeah?  Is funny!   Trust me,  if you loved him in UHF and Seinfeld,  you’ll love him here.

This movie is underrated and definitely worth watching if you like monster movies or comedies with supernatural themes in them.  I especially like how the monsters technically aren’t monsters,  they’re just people with various different conditions.  

As of right now,  the whole movie is available to watch on Youtube,   just type in Transylvania 6-5000.   You can also if you prefer get this on a dvd giftset with another great horror comedy Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark.

I heavily reccomend this movie if you are looking for a laugh this halloween along with Young Frankenstein and Dracula: Dead And Loving It.  I give it ten out of ten give it two monstrous clawed thumbs up.

Stay tuned for more spooktacular halloween reviews with me,  your monstrous host -  Monstermaster13.   Because we are only getting started.  Buwahaha!  Hit it! *the theme from Transylvania 6-5000 plays as a montage of monster movies is shown*

Thursday, 11 September 2014

The Beast

Last night in my sleep I was haunted by a creature so horrifying it made me scream like a banshee,  this beast hailed from Essex and had a British accent,   was 6'ft tall and was all hairy and monstrous,   he looked like a werewolf from the belly of Hades and he got me,   he turned me into him.   Who was the monster,  you ask?

It was....Russell Brand.  *the sound of horrified screams is heard*