Monday, 25 August 2014

Search And Destroy Review



Chris:
Hello humans,   fellow Walkens and creatures of the night.   It is I,  your bloodthirsty lord and master of darkness,  fear and Walkenity -  Chris the alpha Walken.   It has been quite a while since we dived into the Walken’s lair hasn’t it?   Of course it is.   And we have so many Walken movies to go through and so much Walkenity to experience.    I have also been getting quite a bit of positive attention by humans on the Deviantart forums.    They seem to really love me and my hypnotic powers.   I can’t wait to add some of them to my Walken convert.

Also...I have encountered a lovely user on Google Plus by the name of Gabriela Peina,  who is a huge fan of all things Walkeny.    I see a potential She-Hessian warrioress in her.  Yes,  I am a vampiric being who is essentially the essence of Walkenity itself -   thank you for noticing.

Now I had originally planned to review Jersey Boys as I had plans to see it with my human friends and my loyal Walken army,   but sadly -  we just couldn’t find a perfect time to go and see it at the cinema.   So instead we’re going to look at the 1995 movie Search And Destroy.

This movie is one of many in the Hypnotic And Quasi-Vampiric Walken saga of films that started with King Of New York.   In this movie directed by David Salle.   Griffin Dunne (Jack from An American Werewolf In London)  plays a failed businessman who after reading a book by Dr Waxling (Dennis Hopper) wants to make it into a movie.   Unfortunately,   he has a terrible track record and he still has to obtain the rights.  

He arranges a meeting with Dr Waxling,  but winds up sleeping with Waxling’s secretary,  the two them move to New York where they meet Kim Ulander (the always alluring and vampiric Walken) who is a businessman with a obsession for the dangerous lifestyle.

Walken is at his most hypnotic here,  and I mean it.   Every part of his role in this is hypnotic,  so very alluring -  you will forever be entranced by him and his hypnotic presence.   Especially once you see him sing and dance.

As twisted and bizarre as this movie is,   I loved it and I give it ten of ten and two Walkenized clawed thumbs up.   If you’re a Walken fan,  you’ll definitely want to watch this.  I guarantee it,  if not...I can always hypnotize you.

I’m Chris the alpha Walken and this has been my review of Search And Destroy,  stick around with me for more Walkeny goodness from me and my beloved Walken convent.

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Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Walken To The Cult

Walken To The Cult

Christopher Walken TF/Hypnosis theme

NOTE:
This is inspired by the works of Fighting-Wolf-Fist and pays homage to vampire movies and folklore.

Disclaimer:
This story is mostly fictional so none of it is real,  if you think it is real you are either insane or most likely are in need of a straitjacket,  an enema,  and another enema.

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Ever since I first became a fan of Christopher Walken,  people had been wondering why I obsess over him so much -   they think of me as some kind of crazy loon with a bizarre obsession rather than anything else.    But I knew that somewhere out there are people who are equally as devoted as I am.

Even though Walken himself is not in favor of technology,   I happened to come across a site known as the Walken’s Cowbell Cult,  a cult dedicated to Chris Walken and his works, looking it up I found that there were various different sectors of this cult all over the world including the city I lived in.   The cult was not like the Illuminati or those brainwashing cults,  they were much nicer sounding.

I printed out the instructions on where to find the location of this cult before getting ready to head-off,   I packed my things with me as long as my research papers.  I ran through the city,  searching every location until I came across the location of said cult.

The building looked like some classic gothic castle,  like maybe out of Bram Stoker’s Dracula -  it had several sculptures standing outside the doorway.   I made my way to the entrance and carefully crept inside.

Inside,  I found an assortment of Walken related artifacts including a tree of the dead,  a golden cowbell and several Walken reportings.  I picked up the reportings and read them before making my way towards the main area,  there I saw -  a whole convent of Walken Followers,   males all looking and sounding like Walken himself and the females were all alluring female versions of the Hessian.

“Hello, i’m here to join the Walken Cult.”

“Greetings… Nathan.”

“How do you all know my name?”

“Master Walken has told us many stories about you and your interest in Walkenism.”

“As in Christopher Walken himself?”

“Yes...he owns this cult and runs it as the leader.”

“He does?”

“Of course and he loves all his Walkens and She-Hessians so much.”

“Walkens?  You mean there’s more than one?”

“Well of course,  anyone who is taken into Master Walken’s cult is turned into either a Walken or She-Hessian to help him spread the word to humans.”

“I like that… and would very much like to be part of his cult.”

“Master Walken has been saying for quite sometime,  he’d like to have you as an apprentice or student to take after him.   That way there can be two Christopher Walkens to lead us.”

“Is there anything I have to do?  I mean usually there are tasks you have to do before being initiated into a cult.”

“Nathan,  you don’t need to do anything apart from everything you have already done to help acknowledge the existence of this Walkenful cult.    All you need now is for Master Walken to approve and you’re in.”

“Alright.. I can’t wait to see him.”

“He should be here any second now.   He’s been out hunting and converting people into fellow Walkens,  but he promised he would be returning any second.”

It just happened the Followers were right,  Christopher Walken manifested himself before walking down the stairway in a graceful manner,   he was clad in a very elegant robe that trailed down,  very reminiscent of Gary Oldman in Dracula as well.   He walked so elegantly it was almost enchanting.

“Master Walken!  Nathan has arrived for his initiation into the Walken cult.”

“Nathan,  it’s so good to see you.   It’s been so long since we crossed paths.”

“It has.”

“What has happened to you since last?”

“Well Ariana sadly left me as a friend after I became corrupted and obsessed with trying to convert her into a She-Hessian but I have become very fascinated in Walkenism and have been studying it for a long time.”

“Ah yes,  such impressive studies too.”

“You really think so?”

“You know how to use our techniques and to create a Walken army of your own.   I am very impressed.”

“Coming from you,  Chris - that means a lot.”

“Now I hear you wish to join the Walken cult - yes?”

“Oh yes.”

“Well...I have been meaning for quite a long time to have you as an apprentice.  For years now I have been meaning to convert you into another me to help spread the word of Walkenism to the human world.”

“You have?”

“Yes.  Tell me,  when you go to sleep -  do you dream of serving me and wanting to be like me?”

“Yes,  Chris...I have.  And..”

“...And you’ve been turned into me numerous times?”

“Yes.”

“And does the change feel good?”

“So good.”

“And do you wake up feeling disappointed that you are not me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you long to be rid of your human life and form and to be free to be as Walkenly as you desire?”

“Yeesss…”

“Do you often feel like you don’t blend in with humans?”

“Yes,  oh so much.”

“Well then...you are definitely ready to become a part of the Walken cult.”

“Really?”

“All these things you’ve been experiencing a normal,   because you always have been Walken in human clothing.   Humans don’t understand us and they think we are frightening,  but I am a very kind,  genteel soul and humans adore my work -  so this cult was created.”

“Do you approve?”

“Oh yes...I approve of you and your passion for Walkenism very much.  You have already proven yourself to be a fine candidate.”

“I  have done all the tasks you instructed me to do in order to spread the word to the humans.   Is there anything left to do?”

“You’re just about ready for initiation,  but there is one thing we always do before initiation...the conversion process,  in this case I will be converting you into me so you can help me lead the cult.”

“Does it hurt?”

“The process of a human to Walken transformation only hurts if the victim resists or tries to  fight it - which is against the conduct code of this particular cult.”

“I would never do that,  being like you is my dream.”

“And it shall come true.”

I followed Chris to the Walkenization chamber which was decorated in an elegant manner,  there was a large altar of sorts with Velventine carpeting and a lovely window which opened as to give a glimpse of the blood moon.

“This is beautiful…”

“And you shall be beautiful too.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I want you to lay down on the altar for me.”

“Okay master.”

“Relax,  take a deep breath...and look into my eyes.”

“Yes..”

I obeyed him as I laid down on the altar,  relaxed,  took a few deep breaths and gazed into his hypnotic blue eyes,  as I did -  I fell into a trance-like state,  all of my previous problems and issues melted away as I thought only of Walken and his wonderful Walken-like ways.    

All of my troubles were a complete blur,  all I cared about was Walken.   I wanted to obey Walken,  I wanted to follow him,  I wanted to be Walken.   I felt so relaxed that I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by him.

As I fell deeper into the trance-like state I started to groan slightly,  but the groan sounded a bit lower and more hypnotic -  almost kind of like a hypnotic growl.  I looked up at Walken and growled to him.

“That’s it,  relax...feel yourself becoming more relaxed and at home among the other Walkens here.”

“Master,  I feel relaxed and at home.  I feel like I belong here with the other Walkens helping you lead them.”

“Good...now...I want you to think like me,  think Walken..”

I closed my eyes and concentrated as my mind slowly started to alter and shift,  thoughts were becoming less human and more Walken-like,  thoughts of singing,  dancing,  hunting and of helping Walken lead the cult -   and of course cowbell.   That sound echoed in my mind,  instinctively I groaned a few more times -  this time pining for cowbell as a fever came over me.

“Master...I feel strange..”

“What’s wrong?”

“I...well I shouldn’t say this because you’re probably sick of it,  but...I have a fever..”

“This is normal.   Because you are developing my instincts,  this fever is merely your need for cowbell starting to take hold,  as you change it will increase.”

“What do you think we should do?”

“More cowbell of course.”

“Yeessss….”

The need for more cowbell surely was taking hold of me,  all I wanted to do was hear more of it -  its soothing hypnotic melodic tinking sound and to embrace it,  more cowbell was all I wanted.   I wanted more,  so much more.   I was really starting to think like Walken now,  desiring more cowbell and desiring it more than ever.  

With each minute I was beginning to feel less human and more Walkeny.    My stomach made a series of growling noises as my appetite shifted,  human food and drink meant nothing to me,  only blood and cowbell.

“Are you thirsty?”

“Yessss….I desire blood.”

“Fear not,  for I have plenty of it for you,  if you’re going to be like me - you’ll need plenty of blood and cowbell.”

Walken clicked his fingers as a chalice containing a mix of blood and liquified cowbell appeared in front of me,   I growled excitedly -  my ever Walkenizing mind becoming inquisitive,  fixated on the chalice.  

I reached for the chalice and happily lapped up the contents,  the addicting taste increasing the trance and making me crave more of it.   I gestured to Walken and growled softly.

“Mmooorrre…”

“There there,  i’ll give it to you.”

“Master Walken?  Will I be as wonderful as you?”

“Of course you will.”

“I can’t wait to follow you in your Walkeny footsteps.”

“Well then,  let’s begin your transformation.”

I nodded as I stood up slightly,  groaning slightly as a cracking sound was heard,  that was coming from my legs as they slowly contorted,  growing longer and thinner until they reshaped themselves to become Walken’s legs as the signature pale skintone slowly crept up them.

My jeans slowly ripped apart as my belt snapped off,  the remains of my jeans reforming into a pair of elegant dark grey dress pants with a slick silver belt slinking around my waist,  my waist and legs were now a little thinner and resembled Walken’s.

It was so blissful,  I growled a little as my thoughts were shifting even further as more Walken thoughts took hold,  all of Walken’s memories and thoughts being transferred into my mind and it felt really nice,  to be honest I really enjoyed it.   I wasn’t even concerned about what happened to my sneakers as they were being reformed into a pair of black dress shoes.

In the process the change progressed up to my upperbody starting with my arms,  my arms slowly elongated and contorted to match my legs,   becoming those of Walken as my fingers also shifted to become like Walken’s figures with the knuckles becoming more pronounced.

The pale skintone from before crept up my new arms as well as my back, shoulders,  torso and chest as they slimmed down to become Walken’s to match my arms and legs,  I groaned slightly as my shirt slowly ripped apart to reform into an elegant suit and jacket and I elevated from my normal height to 6’ft,  which was Walken’s height.

From both the lower and upperbody I had Walken’s physique and lithe build,  I couldn’t help but admire my changing form as more Walkeny instincts and traits slowly took hold of me,   I had the urge to break out into a dance number and I absolutely craved cowbell - but yet,  I was becoming ever so loyal to my master and I would do anything to help him spread the word of Walken to humans.

The pale skintone by this point had crept up to my neck and all of my skin imperfections faded away,   my neckline elongating, growing longer and thinner as the pale skintone crept up my neck making it alter to become Walken’s neck.   I growled slightly as my senses heightened and my strength and agility increased to inhuman levels.

My hair slowly prickled up as its color changed to a lighter sandy brown color with the hairstyle spiking up to resemble Walken’s as the pale skintone reached my face,  my eyebrows thinned out and turned the same color as my hair,  I now had Walken’s eyebrows to match my hair.   My forehead elevated itself higher up as it shifted to become Walken’s forehead.

Walken’s hypnotic powers were working so well and I thought it was rather nice,  I was looking more forward to joining the Walken cult now as my eye color shifted to an icy blue color with dark green inner rings,  my eyes shifting to become narrower and slightly sunken just like his.

“Master….i’m becoming beautiful.”

“Why,  yes you are… just like me.”

“Oh,  master..”

I sighed as my nose altered in shape until it resembled his nose,  my lips slowly thinned a little as the tips became pointed,  the shape of my lips becoming crescentian as my cheekbones altered to become more pronounced, my cheeks becoming slightly sunken.   My chin narrowed out as my jaw-line became more angular.

Examining my new body and features I now was looking like Walken himself as the shape and structure of my head shifted to be more brachy/mesoian in shape looking exactly like his,   my features now fully resembling his.   But my transformation wasn’t done yet.

My voice deepened,  growing deeper and more distinctive,  getting lower,  gravelly,  but very distinctive with a New York accent,  a very calm and hypnotic tone as my speech patterns and mannerisms shifted to match my new appearance,  becoming Walken-like - I growled happily at this change.

The last thing to change was my mind as all of Walken’s memories,  thoughts,  traits, instincts and mannerisms took over completely,  I was no longer Nathan Forester...I was a Ronald Walken,  but yet I was called Christopher professionally -  or Chris,  yes,  that’s a perfect name for me.   I was now completely transformed into an identical copy of Walken himself,  with his mannerisms and everything.

“Perfect...how do you feel?”

“Oh so wonderful and Walkeny.”

“Welcome to the Walken’s Cowbell Cult,  my fine young apprentice.”

“Thank you,  master.  You’ve made my dream come true.”

“You’re welcome.  It is my job to make all Walkens at heart feel welcome here.”

“I hope we can teach some humans how to get in touch with their inner Walkens too.”

“Oh,  I think we can.  Put on your new Walken’s robe and we can go and spread the word of Walken to all humans.”

With that I put on the black robe Walken gave me and the two of us started spreading the word of the Walken cult to the human world,  creating more Walkens in the process - it wasn’t long until I developed my Walken claws and fangs along with Hessian-like teeth needed for hunting.   I felt at home with my new master Christopher Walken and the rest of the Walken cult.

No longer did people act weirded out by my devotion to Walken,   in fact they were enamored by it and wanted to join in,   luckily there is enough room in the cult for everybody.

If you’ve ever felt like people view you as strange or even a little scary,  you might be a ‘Walken’  yourself,  considering joining the Walken cult today -  you get lots of blood and cowbell and you get to make lots of new friends and fellow Walken fans.

Bram Stoker's Christopher

Bram Stoker’s Christopher

Male Walken TF/vampire theme

Disclaimer:
This is told from the point of view from a character who shares the same name as the character Renfield from the classic novel Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  This story is mostly fictional and a satirical take on vampire movies,  in particular Bram Stoker’s Dracula and is inspired by Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

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Hello,   my name is Nathaniel Renfield and I am an inmate at the local asylum,  as for why I am in there -  well let’s just say I have a bug-eating habit and passion for Walken related things.    You see,   I have heard a lot about these beings called Walkens and they are like vampires.    My master Christopher Walken has told me that he will make me as immortally Walkeny as himself and I believe him,  they say i’m crazy but they’re the crazy ones I tell you -   they don’t understand how much I care about my master.  

How did I meet my beloved master,  you ask?  Well it all started on very fateful night at the asylum,  everyone was just packing up for the night and I was in my cell finishing off my dinner which was an assortment of small flies that I saw buzzing around a dead body the other night.   After my fellow inmates were asleep,   I set up an elaborate ritual of sorts to become a Walken.  

Using a dirty bathtub filled with blood and a golden cowbell that was placed near by,   I was able to have the bathtub lined up near the window and I carefully stepped into it as the blood moon peered behind the clouds.  

As I was soaking myself in the blood-soaked tub,  a shadowy figure emerged before assuming its natural form,  it was Walken himself.  I excitedly jumped out of the bathtub to greet him.

“Master Walken!  You’re here!”

“Yes...I am.  I have arrived for you,  Renfield.”

“You have?”

“Why yes,  it is time.”

“What for,   master?”

“For you to be one with the night.”

“I’m going to be a Walken,  master?”

“Yes….”

“Ooooooh!  I’ve waited so long for this and i’ve done everything you asked.”

“You have been so patient and done so well.  You will make a fine Walken.”

“Master...you really think so?”

“Why yes.”

“Let’s do it then.”

“Good,  now look into my eyes…”

I looked deeply into Master Walken’s eyes,  slowly but surely falling into a blissful trance-like state in which all I could think of was Walken and his wonderful ways -  all I wanted to do was serve my master and to help him make the world more Walkeny and beautiful.

“Yes,  master.”

“That’s it...now I want you to tell me...what do you think of Walkens?”

“Walkens are so graceful and elegant.  I want to be one so badly.”

“And you shall.”

“Master...do you love all of your Walkens?”

“Yes..rr...I do.”

“I’ve done everything you’ve asked,  master.”

“That is very good.”

“Rrr..yes.”

“I sense you are ready.”

“To be Walkenized,  master?”

“Yesss…”

I excitedly panted as I stepped out of the bloodbath,  this was what I had been waiting for my whole life.   Finally I was going to be free of this nuthouse and be a Walken like I had always dreamed of.

Walken gave me a reassuring smile as he gestured towards me,  beckoning me to obey him - to which I did.    He cradled me in his arms,  growling softly as he did so.   I became more relaxed.

“Oh,  master...I…”

“Shh..”

He put his finger to his lip and shushed me,   I nodded and listened to everything he had to say -  everyone of my troubles rapidly fading away and becoming a blur,   as new Walken-like thoughts graced their way into my mind.   Thoughts of hunting,  roaring, growling,  singing and dancing -   of being Walkeny.

In the process of this a growl emitted from my stomach,  as my appetite shifted -  human food and drink no longer would suffice,  my new bloodthirsty appetite craved blood -  real blood.  I moaned but it sounded a bit like a growl.

“I…”

“Yes?”

“I’m thirsty,  master….can you give me some blood?”

“Renfield,  my young Walken...you are in good hands.”

A chalice full of blood materialized in front of me,  as I grabbed the chalice -  I growled happily.  I lapped up the contents of the blood mixture,  as Chris cradled me in his arms -  I grew ever more excited about becoming a Walken.

I was so blissfully entranced by him and his ways I didn’t even notice myself slowly beginning to change as my straightjacket slowly peeled apart,  reforming into a black and grey gothic suit and jacket,   my pants ripping only to reform into a pair of elegant grey trousers.    My legs elongated, growing longer and thinner as my skintone slowly paled,  all skin imperfections fading away -  I had a pair of Walken-like legs.

In the process my arms altered to become longer and thinner,  becoming more lithe as they resembled Chris’s arms,  my fingers extended,  becoming longer as my knuckles pronounicated,   in the process my fingernails lengthened and sharpened.

My chest,  shoulders,  torso and back slimmed down as I grew in height to 6’ft,  becoming taller and more lithe.    Most of my body by now had that pale Walkeny skintone on it except for my neck upwards,  but there were no skin imperfections whatsoever.

My neckline extended,  becoming longer and thinner as the pale skintone crept up it,  making my neckline resemble Chris’s.  In the process my hair turned sandy brown and prickled up,  as my hearing and sense of smell increased.  My strength and agility increasing to inhuman levels, as in the process -  my eyebrows thinned out,  turning sandy brown to match my hair -  my hair was just like Chris’s as well.

The colour of my eyes shifted to a hypnotic shade of blue with dark green inner rings as my eyes shifted,  becoming narrower and slightly sunken.   I growled a little as my eyes gave off a supernatural glow.

In addition to this my nose altered in shape to resemble Chris’s,  the pale skintone had now reached my face as my lips thinned out,  the tips becoming pointed as the shape of them became crescentian,  feeling my teeth lengthen and sharpen -  I watched as my canines extended into fangs while the rest of my teeth became pointed and Hessian-like.

My cheekbones became more pronounced as my chin narrowed out,  my cheeks becoming slightly sunken as my facial structure took on a more brachy/mesoian shape,  I now fully resembled my master.

But there was one thing that wasn’t complete yet - oh yes what was it...my voice,  another series of low growls escaped from my throat as my voice deepened,   becoming lower and gravellier, but also becoming distinctive,  haunting and hypnotic in tone,  as a set of various Walken-like speech patterns developed.  I couldn’t help but growl happily as my changes completed,  all memories of what it was like before faded away.   My Walken instincts coming full circle as I roared in my more Walken-like voice.

I was finally rid of my human form,  I was now a Walken -  just like my master.   I growled happily and proudly as my new master Christopher Walken clicked his fingers,  black smoke surrounding the both of us before whisking us out of the asylum and into a rather grand gothic castle/mansion.

I now reside with my beloved master Christopher Walken in his glorious mansion/castle as a young apprentice Walken who hopes that with enough training and conditioning,  that other humans can become as eerie and Walkeny as him.  

If anyone asks me who I am...my name is Nathaniel Renfield,  and I am a Walken.    Finally a Walken at last.  Walken loves all his Walken and She-Hessians. For there is all in the world,  no greater love than his.

Werebelushi reviews: THM

Werebelushi Reviews:
THM
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(We see a male werebelushi who looks like John Belushi,  he is seen wearing a The Shining t-shirt.)

Werebelushi:
Hello everyone,   it's me again -  That Werebelushi In The Shades.   Remember when I did my review on Bride Of The Living Dummy?   I brought up a bit of history regarding the Goosebumps tv series and the books they are based on.  

Now,  although Slappy is considered one of the main villains/Big Bads of the Goosebumps universe,   there is one entity however that seems to be more threatening.    As in it is more menacing.   That is refered to as none other than The Haunted Mask.    The so called mask has no actual name,   but it still is a prominent villain in the series,  including in the recent books.

Let's get started shall we?   This is Goosebumps:  The Haunted Mask, the very first episode of the tv show to air.    Instead of opening with the classic opening theme tune, we get an introduction by R.L Stine the author of the books.   This along with Night Of The Living Dummy 3,  Werewolf Of Fever Swamp and well...Haunted Mask II,  are the ones that have the Stine introduction and outro.

Stine tells us the story of the episode while looking around in a halloween store and we see various masks,   pity we don't see any sci fi themed masks or anything akin to those Freddy Krueger or Leatherface masks you see in halloween stores in real life.   So basically,  Stine is serving as the Talking Bookend to this tale.

The story tells of a girl named Carly Beth who is one of the most easily scared people on the planet.  I mean that in the sense that everything scares her!  She and Chuckie Finster from Rugrats would probably get along well.    There are these two boys named Chuck and Steve who constantly play pranks on her and scaring the hell out of her.

If I were her,   I would just tell on them by telling their parents -  but I forgot that in children's media the majority of adult characters are either evil or just plain stupid.  

Of course this  is set around halloween and Carly wants the scariest costume of all.    Although if you really wanted to go as something really scary,    you could just go as an internet troll! *laughs*  I  kid,  I kid.

When she gets home -  she finds her mother has made her a 'duck costume'  for halloween,  wow -  this woman must have the same exact level of art and design skills as Delia from Beetlejuice!    But Carly Beth doesn't want to be a duck -  good thing too.    Because if she did,  she would probably be dressed like a certain Marvel duck character that has been mentioned in Phineas And Ferb: Mission Marvel.

Carly comes across a halloween store that sells various masks.  Okay...what is with The Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday?  That trope is ALWAYS in horror or fantasy novels and tv shows and it just always confuses me.   Did the shop just open?   Are shops like this a common occurrence?

So as she enters the shop,   she is greeted by the shopkeeper or as he's called 'The Thin Man' not to be confused with Slender Man,    The Thin White Duke or the Tall Man from the Phantasm franchise.  

Carly tells the Thin Man she'd like to buy a mask for halloween, but the Thin Man told her the shop is closed.   Okay...if the shop is closed,  then explain how she was able to get in!

There are various masks on display including what appears to be a yeti with glasses,  a werewolf,   what appears to be Alfred Hitchcock,    and the titular mask of this story - which looks rather a lot like Jerry Dandridge from the original Fright Night that came out in 1985. Well,  Jerry's 'Game Face'  that is.  

Now this is where I bring up the concept.   Now believe it or not,  the idea of becoming what you are dressed as is not a new one at all.    It was done in The Twilight Zone episode The Masks,  as well as in one of the Friday the 13th sequels.    The idea of the living mask was also done in the Dark Horse comic series The Mask that inspired the Jim Carrey movie,  although the comics were a LOT darker and the titular mask was a villain.    Still,  as dark and graphic as that was -  still not as scary as the trucked up imagery in Son Of The Mask!   Although I definitely think New Line must have borrowed the design of the mask from this Goosebumps episode as the design of Loki in his mask form.

Carly Beth has her eyes set on this particular mask as she views it to be the scariest,  but the Thin Man stops her  -   offering her a gorilla mask instead.   Had she chosen the gorilla mask instead I bet there would have been a chance of her turning into a hulking gorilla monster - a Queen Kong if you will.

She takes the titular haunted mask and leaves the store but not before giving the man some money!  Well at least she remembered to give him money.   Why can't shoplifters be THAT polite?

Well the mask is a huge success and she even gets back at those two kids Steve and Chuck,  bringing along the bust her mother made of her.   And she's carrying it around on a stick too, going for the Vlad The Impaler technique I see.

Of course this is where the actual haunted part of the mask comes in,  as slowly but surely it melds with her face and turns her into a monster.   Complete with Exorcist styled demon voice!    She becomes angrier and more sadistic as the nature of the mask consumes her or at least half of it.

It turns out the masks from the Thin Man's store were made with dark supernatural magic that slowly corrupted him,   they originally were beautiful but the corruption slowly turned them all grotesque and monstrous.   Which is actually quite interesting.    It's a pity we don't actually get to see the Thin Man as a monster though,  actually we do in Haunted Mask II.

Speaking of which....this is a minor nitpick,  but in Haunted Mask 2 when Steve turns into an old man his skin goes all wrinkly and we see his hands change like with Queen Grimhilde becoming the hag in Snow White  -  yet in the original Haunted Mask Carly only gets a demonic face and she doesn't develop claws or monster-like hands?    That seems a bit odd if you ask me.    I believe that the reviewer known as Orion57 brought that up as part of his Goosebumps retrospective when he talked about Haunted Mask 2.

The mask is now not only stuck on her face but it is now her actual face,  horrified she runs back to the store and the Thin Man tells her it is too late -  as it is her actual face now,  which makes her cry once she catches her reflection in the mirror.

She runs off over to a graveyard to recover the bust that she buried,  only to be pursued by the other masks from the store who beg her to save them.   Woah,  easy with the ghostly flying,  guys! I'm not wearing my 3D glasses.

She holds the bust up and this frightens off the other masks,   because this is apparently the symbol of love and she discovers who she really is,  she takes the mask off and gets rid of it - however,   her little brother picks it up and tries it on.    Do we ever get to see him become a monster?   No.   We just get the Haunted Mask 2.

That was the Haunted Mask...now was it really as scary as we remember it?  Well kinda, but it's really cheesy,   but it's still one of the creepier episodes of Goosebumps and the one episode that kicked off the tv series proper.    It is easy to see why this was considered one of the scariest episodes,   it is because it deals with a theme we are all familiar with,   and while the concept has been done before -  it is done very creatively here.

I still view this as one of the best episodes of the Goosebumps tv series in general as it is based on one of the best books in the series.   I give it 9 and a half out of 10,  I recommend watching it for nostalgia or if you are a fan of horror tv shows or anything to do with the halloween season.

I'm That Werebelushi In The Shades and this has been my review of Goosebumps:  The Haunted Mask.   Now if you excuse me i'm going to go and read about Universal Studios rides and attractions.

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Werebelushi rants: NBDVDs

Werebelushi rants:
NBDVD
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(We see a male Werebelushi who looks and sounds like John Belushi,  he is sitting at a table of sorts.)
Werebelushi:

Today's episode of Werebelushi rants is inspired by a Youtuber by the name of OccpCommuinications,  who has done a series of reviews and rants about movies he likes and movies he hates.   One series he does is called Needs Better DVDs is about the poor treatment of dvd releases of certain movies or shows.    And now i'm going to take a page out of his book and do my own view/rant on this issue.

First up,   I would like to mention the Blues Brothers as an example,   now the features on the special edition are pretty good,  but the problem is with the previous editions.   Like I was at a dvd store once that had the original Blues Brothers special edition dvd,   which was good but the problem was that it came with Blues Brothers 2000 as well.    You know how much I hate that loathsome excuse for a 'sequel'.  

You mean if I want the special edition I have to buy it in the giftset that includes the godawful attempt at a sequel?    That is so unfair.    I only saw Blues Brothers 2000 once,  and it wasn't in theaters -   I saw it on dvd -  in the same set that came with the original movie.  I only bought that set for the reason that it had a special edition of the original movie.

Eventually I got the separate special edition of the Blues Brothers to go with my two disc editions of How The Grinch Stole Christmas,   The Shining,   The Fly and Animal House.  Now the afforementioned examples are examples of how to do special edition dvds.

Also...we need to talk about tv shows on dvd,  first of all - Saturday Night Live Best Ofs, specifically ones that have skits that are different from ones that were part of that episodes original airing.    Like for example -  the tv version of Best Of John Belushi has 'The Thing That Wouldn't Leave' and a few other skits.   But the dvd version doesn't?  That's just confusing if you ask me.    Also...I know there's a boxset for the Not-Ready-For-Primetime-Players era, but I'm wondering if they are EVER going to cover the late 80's SNL seasons.  

I know a LOT of people hate that season.  But again the late 80's season of SNL was when Gilbert Gottfried was a cast member.    And this was before he became known for his trademark voice!

Will we be getting complete season dvds of All That soon?  I really do hope so.   British comedy dvds are actually getting better though,   especially if the Blackadder Special Collector's Edition dvd set is anything to go by.    By the way,   yes -   I do remember Nathan mentioning rumors of an Americanized remake of Blackadder with Steve Martin and Rob Schneider.     I'm glad those were just rumours though.   Because if anyone tried to remake Blackadder,  I would make it my life's goal to make their lives a living Hell.  

Speaking of Nickelodeon,  how about Are You Afraid Of The Dark?   I mean the rival show Goosebumps has had dvds but why not AYAOTD?   I think the fans deserve to have AYAOTD released on dvd sets.    

Speaking of television show dvds I have a few that I think should get dvd releases:  Camp Candy,   Superted,  Earthworm Jim,   Get Your Own Back,  all Nickelodeon game shows,   the Beetlejuice animated series (seperate from the movie)  and a few others.   I know there is one of Biker Mice From Mars and by that I mean the original series not the 2006 revival.

Also...Shout Factory is very good with this considering the MST3K dvds (I still want to get the one with the toy of Crow T.Robot),   the Bump In The Night dvds,    SCTV dvds,   and the Saban shows.   Well all except for Masked Rider,   because well...I personally think they're ignoring it for the sake that it is viewed as one of the worst American Toku/Kamen adaptations.    They almost had it right with Beetleborgs but they only got to part 1 and 2 of season 1 and 2,   they will be releasing another one in December if the VR Troopers one sells well though.

Kudos to them for releasing the Weird Al Show on dvd as well as their recent announcement of releasing The Compleat Al.  

But my big question is....is there ever going to be one of Big Wolf On Campus?  I mean if any show deserves its own dvd release it's Big Wolf On Campus.    Sure, no one knows who holds the official rights to this series but I think they'll find out sooner or later.   This series deserves an OFFICIAL dvd release.   And not just one episode on a dvd of selected Fox Kids shows.

I know that comedy talk shows don't usually get dvds but seeing as Johnny Carson has several -  my question is...are there going to be ones of Jay Leno anytime soon?  I remember looking on Amazon and coming across a 'Best Of Jay Leno' dvd or something that was supposed to be coming out,    this was in late 2008 -  I think,  a year before his controversial pseudo-retirement from the Tonight Show.  

It's now 2014 and we still don't have a DVD for Jay.   What gives?   It doesn't even to be actual episodes of his show,  it can be highlights from certain segments -  like for example the most ridiculous Jaywalking answers,  or the most bizarre Headlines posts.    I'd like to see a dvd with all of his skit characters from the late 90's incarnation of The Tonight Show,  like for example Iron Jay,   Billy Tuttle,  his evil twin Evil Jay,   Beyondo,   Mr Brain,  and so on.   By the way,  you can actually see those skits on Youtube now.    Along with the Virtual Jay segment.   The part at the end where Jay winds up looking like a cat-man complete with ears and whiskers just cracks me up,   because he looks like the Cowardly Lion.   Makes me think he could have voiced the Cowardly Lion in 'Legends Of Oz:  Dorothy's Return' instead of Jim Belushi.    I think it's about time they released some Best of Jay Leno dvds,  especially considering that he officially retired from The Tonight Show in Febuary of this year.   Can we maybe get Jay's garage as a bonus feature then?   I mean Jay is/was essentially part of the reason NBC is still one of the most successful television companies -   he is/was essentially their saving grace in this current age.

Also....how is it that Russell Brand gets his own dvd giftsets?  Oh I forgot,  he's pretty much worshipped in Britain even though there are people who hate his guts.
My biggest issue is with the so called 'special edition' of the Beetlejuice dvd.   Warner Bros has severely neglected it.    All we got was a few episodes of the cartoon and a music only track?   That's pathetic.  

I think it would have been much better if they put in some actual worthwhile bonus features.   Like for example i'd like to hear what Tim Burton has to say about it,  or Michael Keaton - since Michael Keaton has expressed that Beetlejuice was his favorite role.  

I'm pretty sure Winona Ryder isn't too busy. Catherine O' Hara could probably contribute too,  as could Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis. Well..i'm not entirely sure about Jeffrey Jones because of you know...certain things.

I was going to say Glenn Shadix could contribute something,  but well...Shadix passed away two years after this so called 'special edition' came out.    The special edition I think came out in 2008,  and Shadix passed away in 2010.    But there could be a re-release of this dvd with a tribute to him,   especially seeing as he was a close friend of Tim Burton's.
 
I have to agree with OccpCommuinications,   the so called '20th Anniversary special edition' is very lackluster and in need of a much better dvd.    I mean the Labyrinth special edition rocks!

Also...I find it very disappointing that Christopher Walken is NOT in any of the special features on the View To A Kill dvd despite the fact well...he's the main villain in the movie!  He should be at least be in interviews.

Lastly....how about a better release of Fright Night and Fright Night 2?   With actual bonus features?   Also...shame on you Twilight Time for messing up with the dvd releases of both movies!   You should be ashamed of yourselves.    I mean how come the 2011 remake has more bonus features?   That is unfair!

I'm That Werebelushi In The Shade and this has been my rant titled NBDVD which is short for Needs Better DVDs.   Be sure to check out OccpCommuinications on Youtube.   Oh, and you can also contact Jay Leno on Twitter.    Now if you excuse me,  i've got some more reviews to plan.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Werebelushi rants: Snooz Bros

Werebelushi rants:
Snooz Bros

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(We see a Werebelushi who looks and sounds like John Belushi,  he is sitting at a table of sorts -  looking at his dvd collection)

Werebelushi:
Hello everyone and welcome back to another Werebelushi Rant.  I was looking in the movie/game rental place that is near the local pizza parlor,  looking for a good movie to review or rant on and guess what I found?   A Blues Brothers spoof movie called The Snooz Brothers!   They’ve even tried to parody the cover-art from the original Blues Brothers as well.

The movie starts with Blake Snooz -  just being released from prison by his parole officer and meeting up with his brother Dalwood.   Ha, ha, ha -  Dalwood -  get it?  It almost rhymes with Elwood!   Whoever is playing Blake sounds nothing like John Belushi,  he sounds more like Dan Fogler and he even resembles Fogler in Balls Of Fury.

Dalwood is even worse as he sounds more like Tom Hanks than Dan Aykroyd.  So,  Blake and Dalwood drive off in their Snooz-Mobile,  which looks like a poorly made parade float.   Ha, ha get it?  Because in Animal House the Deathmobile was disguised as a parade float!   Seriously...whoever designed this parody Bluesmobile knows nothing about how to design a car properly.   Oh and they really try to hammer it in that it’s a supernatural car,  even go so far as to reference The Car AND Christine at the same time.   I wish I was watching those movies instead.

So they find out that the Puppy Orphanage Factory...i’m not kidding,  it’s a dog-pound, a factory and an orphanage all combined for the sake of one overly cute cliche.  And we get our Curtis knockoff in the form of Otis.  Who wants to bet that Otis will die of old age 18 years later?

The two boys go through a series of obstacle ridden missions in order to get their band back together including encountering crazed rednecks,  bikers,   foreign extremists and...animal rights activists?   I don’t remember that part of the original Blues Brothers at all.  Oh and by the way,  love how the nun in this movie looks like a genderbend version of Danny Devito’s Penguin.

Also what the hell is up with the Snooz Mobile becoming an Autobot?  I don’t recall the Bluesmobile being a transformer.   Unless of course someone did come up with a Bluesmobile transformer,  now that would be awesome.

I know a lot of people have questioned Nathan’s appreciation for the greats like John Belushi and so forth because according to them,  Belushi was reportedly sexist and hated women,  as well as being a drug-addled sadsack but I personally don’t believe a word of that.    Yes,  I KNOW he had a drug related problem and he did have a few problems in his life but he was NOT that bad.  What do you think,  Shebelushi?

(Shebelushi:
You have some very valid points here.  I know that personally I knew Belushi was never like that,  no disrepect to Jane Curtin or anything - but still...she was kind of over-reacting or making it up.  Plus it was a different time.   The 60’s and 70’s were when you had those shows like Leave It To Beaver or The Dick Van Dyke Show in which the women just were portrayed as stereotypical housewives.)

The movie Wired portrayed him in a very negative fashion and I didn’t like that all -  not to mention that fantasy elements had no place being in a movie about a real person,  the whole movie was nothing but one extremely crappy feature length PSA about the ‘horrors of drug use’ and was just flat out insulting.    I hope that the new John Belushi biopic approved by John’s ex-widow is better and does a better job than that movie did.  I mean having elements of the afterlife in a movie about a person like John Belushi is like having a homage to Aliens in a biopic about Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldin.   Or having a subplot involving Chinese Dragon Warlords in a Bruce Lee biopic.

(Shebelushi:
I have a feeling that it probably will.   It hasn’t got a release date yet or any info on who is going to play the role of Belushi,  but I have high hopes for it.)

This movie really doesn’t know the first thing about parodying the Blues Brothers,  I mean the actors playing Blake and Dallwood don’t even resemble Belushi and Aykroyd,  not to mention the setting looks absolutely nothing like the town of Chicago.   It looks more like they filmed it on a soundstage.   

Also...what the hell is up with the random celebrity cameos?   I mean we got a ton of celebrity cameos in this movie,  most likely the same people who starred in previous movies made by the company that made this.   So far this is a pretty awful attempt at a Blues Brothers spoof,  the Snooz Bros aren’t likable in the slightest,  the plot makes no sense,  and the song numbers are awful and off-key.

But I do like how they make fun of the non-sequel Blues Brothers 2000 in certain parts and especially during the end credits were the last credits stinger goes something like this:  “Coming soon to a dvd player near you,  Snooz Brothers 3000!”.   Of course they actually DO a show a bit of the Snooz Brothers 3000 movie on there as well,  like for example Not-So-Mighty Hank replacing Blake as a nod to Mighty Mack replacing Belushi’s Jake,  the RuPaulesque drag queen as the Queen Mousette parody,  the annoying brat who serves as the spoof of Buster Blues,   and the scene with Otis’s kid being magically put into  Snooz Brothers clothing.   But also,  I like how they made fun of how nonsensical the plot to Blues Brothers 2000 actually was.  

The movie in general may be a poorly made spoof movie,  but I personally think this is a better and more legit followup to the original Blues Brothers than BB2K ever was and will ever hope to be.   It gets an eight out of ten,  but it is still pretty good despite the flaws this movie had.  Check it out if you must.

I’m That Werebelushi In The Shades and this has been my rant on the Snooz Brothers parody movie.    Are there any more parody movies like this?  Yes and I recommend them.     Now if you excuse me i’m going to watch the original Blues Brothers.

TftW: Haunted Towers

TftW:  Haunted Towers

Female Werebelushi TF

NOTE:  This is based on the concept for the Mel Brooks Disneyland ride Hotel Mel and is inspired by the British sitcom Fawlty Towers.

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Our story begins at the Planet Horrorwood resort and cafe which is run by Reginald Horror of Horrorland from the Goosebumps books and tv show as well as his son Ritz and his daughter Henrietta.    Our friend That Werebelushi In The Shades had just woken up from his nap that night to go and get something to eat at the cafe,   when he was approached by Hugo the hunchback.

“Good evening Mr Werebelushi,  sir.   How did you sleep?”

“Terrible.   It all was bright and sunny and there were some bratty human kids outside playing.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.  But i’m glad you like it here at the hotel.”

“Well of course I love it here...and why wouldn’t I?   I get to meet all my favorite celebrity monsters here.   I met Linnea Quigley from Return Of The Living Dead last week,  she’s a real sweetheart.”

“Say...would you be interested in meeting the newest guest? She seems to have the same interests as you.”

“Oh?”

“Her name is Andria Antakos.  She knows a lot about Werebelushis like you as well,  she seems to be a huge fan of your rants.”

Werebelushi jetted off to the television room where he saw Andre watching a double-feature of Christine and The Car.    He then took note of the Bluesmobile sculpture and the beanie bopper who resembled Lil Andria.

“Say there….I couldn’t help but notice you like Stephen King and horror movies from the 80’s and 90’s.”

“Oh,  thank you.”

“Allow me to introduce myself… i’m…”

“That Werebelushi In That Shades.”

“Yes...how did you know?”

“You’re famous around here.   I’ve been a fan of your rants for quite sometime.”

“Well,  it’s always nice to meet a new fan.”

“How do you like it here in the hotel?”

“It’s much better than the previous hotel,  the previous one had a woman with serious mental issues,   she claimed to be from a country i’ve never even been to and was ranting and waving about how one of the guests used negative stereotypes about said country against her claiming that guest was harassing her.”

“I’ve dealt with that woman before,  she’s a real witch if you ask me.”

“Tell me about it -  she threw that hissyfit over nothing.”

“And yet they still hire her?”

“Sadly,  yes.”

“Don’t tell me she used to be a Blues Brothers fan.”

“Yep,  former Elwood Blues fan-girl.”

“Former?”

“She discovered Russell Brand.”

“That man is my arch nemesis….he’s the bane of my existence.”

“You too?   I thought I was the only one who hated him.”

“Yep.   That man is absolutely off his rocker.”

“How he ever became popular to begin with is beyond me.”

Andria chuckled as she listened to Werebelushi,  she raised an eyebrow in a similar manner to the way he did.   She seemed to like his jokes and funny stories of his experiences.

“You know,  you’re really quite funny.   Have you ever considered getting your own show?”

“Well yeah,  I DO have my own show Werebelushi Rants.   I’m part of the Monster World variant of Thatguywiththeglasses.”

“I’ve been told you’re the Monster World version of Phelous,  is this true?”

“Kind of...well we do kind of look alike.”

“What do you personality loathe the most besides Russell Brand?”

“Internet trolls who don’t know when to quit or shut up,  soccermoms,  foreign extremist wannabes,  people who think the illuminati is real,  people who insult my taste in comedy, jokes targeted at people with autism,   betrayal,   being asked if i’m going to end up like my namesake,  people asking if i’m based on the other Belushi who isn’t John,  disrespect towards any race or religion,  racial slurs,  fat jokes..”

“Same here…”

“They’re just a bunch of hypocrites if you ask me,  I mean they can call me out all they want but I can’t do it back to them?   What kind of bullshit is that?”

“They obviously need lives of their own.”

“Absolutely.”

“Care to share some examples?”

“Plenty.  Like for example I had a legit complaint against a certain teacher at a certain school my friend used to go to,   and those afforementioned douchebags apparently think that basically acting like an omega soccer-mom wannabe is ‘giving helpful advice’.”

“I know they’re teachers and kids are suppose to be listen to them,  but there’s a difference between helpful and being Drill Sergeant Nasty.”

“Yes...and I don’t think banning heavy metal music and taking away the kids belongings during class qualifies as being helpful.   Neither does letting a girl listen to High School Musical just because she has anger issues and the music calms her down.”   

“I know you’re supposed to put your belongings away during class so that you don’t distract your classmates  -  but schoolwork is so boring and tiring that you might as well start playing video games in class anyway.”

“I mean if I wanted to know how to do math I would just go the lazy route and download a million maths programs onto my computer and just sit back and let the programs doing the teaching for me.”

“Same here...I would also rather be sleeping than attending assemblies or taking part in some crappy production that rips off a much better musical.”

“And what about PE and Jump Jam?  Aren’t they the silliest things ever?”

“Hell yes,  even those exercise videos from the 80’s look more sensible by comparison -  and I OWNED several of those.”

“Even Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout?”

“Yes...I got the dvd of that one as well.”

“You know,  I thought you’d be just like you are in your rants.  But you’re actually a pretty calm werebelushi.”

“Well you know what they say...Mean Character,  Nice Actor.”

“You’re a troper,  I see.”

“Yep,   I sure am.”

“I know a lot about werecreatures but this is the first time i’ve ever gotten to know a Werebelushi before.”

“Say...how do you know so much about me anyway?”

“Well...I have a bit of a supernatural secret of my own.”

“You’re not a succubus are you?”

“No,  silly.”

“Are you a vampiress,  witch or zombie?”

“No.”

“Well...what are you?”

“I am a….I’m…”

“Well?”

Andria closed her eyes and concentrated as she slowly but surely transformed,  growing blackish fur all over her body as her raven black hair grew longer and messier,  she gained a bit more weight - developing a bit of muscle in addition to the fat.   Her fingernails and toenails both lengthened and sharpened,  becoming claw-like in the process.

Her clothing changed from its usual look into a plus size gothic attire,  as her ears stretched out and became pointed,  black fur growing around her face as her hair grew into a long mane,   her eyes turning a neon green colour and glowing as her eyebrows became slightly thicker,  her nose turning black as her canine teeth sharpened and her features morphed slightly,  becoming a cute and feminine version of the Werebelushi’s own features.

“I’m a Werebelushi as well!”

“Wow! I didn’t expect that.  That’s awesome.  Good to see another werebelushi here,  and a female one at that.”

“Well...this is a hotel for monsters,  just like Hotel Transylvania.  And I picked this place to stay because it’s relaxing.”

“Yeah,  there are lot of great choices for movies around here,  nothing but good fashioned 70’s,  80’s and early to late 90’s horror movies.”

“Not to mention they air classic episodes of SCTV and Saturday Night Live on the comedy channel.”

“Even better!  I swear The Best Of Belushi and The Best Of Farley never get old no matter times I watch them!”

“Oh,  and there’s a Thatguywiththeglasses channel.   Btw, which Nostalgia Critic review do you love the most?”

“Easily one of his most recent -  the Blues Brothers 2000.  You know how much I hate that sequel and how it made no sense.”

“Oh yes...certainly.   And you  know about my theories of Jake and Curtis passing away as well.”

“I certainly do.  I think that would make for a good creepypasta.”

“What was the most ridiculous scene from the movie?”

“Easily the Funky Nassau musical number.  I mean...what?  Did they suddenly stumble upon an episode of a fantasy based kids show or something?”

“If that movie was made today,  I bet you that they would have had it so Mousette makes them dance to either Harlem Shake,  Gentleman,  Thrift Shop,  What The Fox Say or even Gangnam Style.”

“Oppan Elwood style?”

“Yeah...also I bet if it came out today that the scene with Mighty Mack would have him singing a Moves Like Jagger type song.”

“He’s got the moves like Jake Blues,  he’s got the moves like Jake Blues,  he’s got the moooo-oooves like Jake Blues.”

“You know,  you’re pretty funny.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.  Say...do you need a female Werebelushi to serve as your female counterpart -  like say a Shebelushi?”

“Yes.”

“Great,  i’ll gladly take up that job.   I’d love to do a review with you sometime.”

“You don’t need to ask,  i’m always open for requests.”

“Come on,  let’s sit down and talk about movies we could review.”

“Right behind you.”

And so that is the story of how our favorite Werebelushi met his female counterpart The Shebelushi In The Shades who would later appear with him in several of his own reviews, as for what happened later they watched horror movies together and talked about movies they had seen and enjoyed.

Remember if you ever need a break,  visit Planet Horrorwood,  the best hotel/resort for monsters and supernatural creatures this side of the Underworld.

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